No Change

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Sep 8, 2008.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Hi again. It’s been a while since I’ve posted, not sure when it was. I could look it up, but not feeling the drive to do so. Honestly I don’t know why I’m writing this. I thought maybe it would do some good, but it won’t. Never does.

    Well, where to start? Since the last time I posted (if anyone cares), my life has not improved (I know, not a surprise). The puppy my family got back in May is now almost five months old, and has lost all but one of her milk teeth. So at least she can’t add more scars to my arms. The job situation hasn’t improved, in that no job has been acquired. Tried job agencies, and they mostly said they would try to find something, but not to hope for too much given my lack of experience. Problem is, hoping for not much means most likely a low paying, dead end job near home, where I’d have to live.

    That would mean I’d have to deal with all the crap I already do that is helping to drive me to kill myself, plus a job. I guess at least it would be a paycheck, and I’d have an excuse to be so miserable. Lately my mother has been asking more questions lately about why I’m always so angry and depressed. Not sure what to say, I’ve told her dozens of times. I want out of the house; I want to be away from my family long enough to try and get self-esteem again after it got destroyed with the crap I dealt with the first summer after I graduated from college. I have thought about the military, but every time I say that my parents get upset because they don’t want me in any branch.

    What am I supposed to say to her, the same crap that makes her roll her eyes? She’s heard it too many times for it to have any kind of impact. Only thing that would make her (or anyone else in the family) have a reaction would be to say I was ready to blow my head off.

    Since we got the dog I can’t do anything to calm down. She just has more energy than I can deal with. I used to take her outside to run her around so she’d calm down, but the house is being sided, and she goes after the guys working. So I have to keep her inside.

    Also, lately everything associated with not having a girlfriend is really killing me. I don’t know what caused it, but lately anytime I see something pertaining to a relationship or even sex it makes me really depressed. I try to avoid watching TV because I know I’ll be bombarded with such imagery, but it seems like I always see it no matter what. It’s just constant pain now. Even after hours of seeing something it still kills me. I made a choice for abstinence a long time ago (religious reasons), but lately I’m just starting to think it was something I just accepted because no woman would ever want to be with me.

    Maybe all of this crap is being dredged up so much because the fifth was the ten year mark for being depressed. I had made it my New Year’s Resolution I would not make it to that, whether it was to be by becoming happy or by suicide. Well, I broke that promise to myself. My word doesn’t mean much anyway now.

    Guess I should end this, both in terms of post and night. The construction guys are coming to do windows tomorrow and will need to be inside to do so. I know I’ll still have to stay alive for a few weeks. One of my brother’s has his birthday Friday, then my mother’s birthday in the beginning of October. Maybe early November would work? That could work. Far enough from Christmas that in a few years it won’t bother everyone as much. Then again, why should I care so much about what their feelings would be? That’s the sort of thinking that helped get me into this mess. Anyway, I’m going to go now. Probably won’t be responding to this post for quite some time, as the puppy takes up most of my day.
  2. I"m so sorry InMyWay but I stop reading after you wrote "puppy". I just get really jealous with people who have pet, as I need one so bad. Don't take it personal, I am very sensitive when it come to pets, as I have never had one but want one so bad. I feel the opposite of being bless, like curse that my parents won't let me have a dog or cat.
  3. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Hey InMyWay, that sounds pretty rough and kudos to you for sticking it out as long as you have, it certainly could not have been easy. Pardon if I'm prying but what is your friend situation like? Do you have a lot of them? A few, none? I imagine everything you're going through now must seem pretty overwhelming, especially since it has been going on for a very long time. If you ever have anything to say feel free to send me a message. I can't promise to get back to you immediately but I do check the site from time to time and would be glad to offer an ear where needed.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey InMyWay,
    What kind of puppy do you have? I have a Jack Russle. They are very active dogs who demand alot of maintence!! I play ball with him when we are outside. When we are inside i play fetch with his soft toys, so we don't break any thing!! I break enough stuff my self.
    Does your job pay enough to have an apartment? You Also need grocerys, meds refills, therapy, gas, and more to deal with. It all adds up on your bottom line..
    I will cut this short because my mind is not clear right now..:chopper:..
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Inmyway. I think that you should continue try finding a job, even a dead end job, because at least you will be out the house and earning money. And if you're planning on moving out, you need to have a lot of money saved up, otherwise you'll move out, but eventually move back home, due to lack of funds. Also, don't feel upset that you don't have a girlfriend. I'm 27 and still a virgin (male). Just keep an eye out for any nice girls that come your way.
  6. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Thanks for the comments.


    Currently I have very few friends, only one that I get together with. The ones I made in college only send me a message once in a blue moon on facebook. I guess they don't want to hear how I'm just sitting at home all the time.


    The puppy is a black lab. She recently lost all of her milk teeth. I currently have no job, but have $3K saved up for moving out. I don't have meds, and was only on pills for a month my last semester out of college after the only gf I had left me. The pills made me feel better for a while, then made me feel worse. When I got home for a break my father tore me down about being on pills when they were still in my system, so I really wanted to kill myself after that. Part of me wishes I had. At least that way my family could have blamed the suicide on the meds and sued the company. I also don't have a therapist because I have no insurance to cover the costs. Last therapist I saw was a school counselor in college.


    Thanks for the advice. I'll try not to be upset about the gf situation, but odds are I won't get any better as far as that goes. I never get out and have nothing to offer any woman.


    I'm sorry that your family won't let you have a dog or a cat. I don't know your situation, but maybe one day they will let you get one.

    Thanks again for the comments everyone.
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