Hi, I'm 41, and four months ago my 15-year marriage ended. To cut a long story short I was caught by my wife looking at gay porn online, and 'Outed' to my family by her shortly afterwards. My family were fine about it, and my ex-wife and I are still close friends now the dust has settled. The thing is, I'm not really 'out' to myself. I married her for love although she will never believe that - Having a lot of time to think now, It all adds up that I have been in denial all my life. I now realise that I was in love with a male friend when I was 17.. There were 'moments in time' between us where I should have blurted out how I felt - he was giving off signals too. But I didn't have the confidence to because It seemed too 'forbidden' back then. Well, not so much forbidden as not knowing others our age who were openly gay for support. No Internet either! I find myself thinking about him 24/7 as though he's still 17 now, and mulling over what could have been seems to have sexually fixated me. I don't find men my age attractive as a result, which makes me feel like a stereotypical 40-something 'creep'. I'm just posting here because I'm surrounded by people I love wishing me well in my 'new life', but feel more confused and isolated than ever.