I firstly apologise for this, because I couldn't decide which topic to put it into. I went into hospital a few weeks ago because my dad found out I hadn't eaten for about a week prior to that, which I didn't (and still don't) think is that bad. I clocked in at 6.4 stone and they discharged me after two days. Ever since, I've been seeing doctors and a mental health clinic for eating disorders, and I've suddenly come to realise that now that I'm eating again, I don't think I'm actually doing it for 'my benefit.' It just feels like I'm doing it for everyone else, because they 'want to see me better', and I know they do, but i'm not actually sure that I want to be better. I couldn't just tell them straight in the face that I wanted to kill myself, or that I felt suicidal. That would just cause things to be even worse. But I don't want to carry on eating 'normal' anymore. My perception of myself is still the same, or it's getting back to me. And with it, I'm losing my appetite again with control. I'm sick of people trying to tell me to be happy or get better. And i know they're doing this out of concern. But I can't see that. To be honest, every time someone tells me that, I just feel like killing myself. They don't know that. And every time it feels worse. Maybe that's what'll happen. Maybe that's my only way out and make them see what damage they're doing to me. Does anyone have any advice before I actually do it...?