No choice

[MorningBlues]

I firstly apologise for this, because I couldn't decide which topic to put it into.

I went into hospital a few weeks ago because my dad found out I hadn't eaten for about a week prior to that, which I didn't (and still don't) think is that bad. I clocked in at 6.4 stone and they discharged me after two days.

Ever since, I've been seeing doctors and a mental health clinic for eating disorders, and I've suddenly come to realise that now that I'm eating again, I don't think I'm actually doing it for 'my benefit.' It just feels like I'm doing it for everyone else, because they 'want to see me better', and I know they do, but i'm not actually sure that I want to be better.

I couldn't just tell them straight in the face that I wanted to kill myself, or that I felt suicidal. That would just cause things to be even worse. But I don't want to carry on eating 'normal' anymore.

My perception of myself is still the same, or it's getting back to me. And with it, I'm losing my appetite again with control. I'm sick of people trying to tell me to be happy or get better. And i know they're doing this out of concern. But I can't see that. To be honest, every time someone tells me that, I just feel like killing myself. They don't know that. And every time it feels worse. Maybe that's what'll happen. Maybe that's my only way out and make them see what damage they're doing to me.

Does anyone have any advice before I actually do it...?

 

[Sadeyes]

It is sad that you do not find not eating for a week a concern...you are so valuable and worth so much that you need to take care of yourself...maybe talking (writing) about what is going on for you will serve to give you a means of support. Please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J

 

[andyc68]

i agree with sadeyes, you are worth more than you think and you really do need to take care of yourself more, can't say i understand your reasons for not eating for a week but if i don't eat for a day then its because i can't be bothered and i know that its to do with low self esteem.
is it the same for you or are there other underlying reasons to punish yourself in this way?
living with the thoughts of suicide is scary and confusing when you can't share it with those close to you but it is a way out in time, if you can find the courage to tell them how you feel then i would do it.

 

[MorningBlues]

Well, I wasn't really diagnosed with an eating disorder, more my dad told me I had the symptoms of anorexia... but it is true that if I fell depressed, I don't eat. I've felt suicidal for a long time now, and only when I went to hospital did I tell a doctor about it, but it's something I think about every time I eat or get upset. I like to draw or write when I feel this way, is it the same for anyone else? And I'm not quite sure what you meant, Andyc68, when you said, 'then I would do it.'