Its like fucking clockwork. Every year I get depressed every season every week I fall into a pathetic existential depression. I almost wish I was religious. At least then I might have a reason to live, right? This time it's coming on like the last time I tried off-ing myself. What can stop me. Surely not the lack of insurance or local depression and anxiety peer groups. Not the 7 Billion people can stop me. The only person who can put hold on my inevitable and young demise is me. God do I want to pull that switch though. A childhood friend killed himself last week. He died in a jail cell after getting arrested for underage drinking. Dont show pity or mercy for methough, I couldnt even attend his funeral, not after my last friend died years back. This is stronger though. I feel like im really going to do something snd I need someone, something. Anything. Life isnt life. Its a series of shitty events sprinkled with an underlying sense of 'happiness'. At this point im probably just rambling. Drunk, been drinking, cant stop-wont stop getting under the influence on something, anything that could take me away just for a little bit.