Hi. I was feeling crushingly depressed and had recently lost most of what little contact with others I had in my life, and randomly decided to search around for chat rooms where it'd be ok for someone to complain constantly, be incredibly miserable, negative and mentally unstable. Actually I think I just wanted any kind of interaction to distract me from stuff. Turns out I can't use the chat either cause of some combination of Java problems or not having had my account activated, so I'm just posting here instead. Anyways, I've been suicidal off and on for most of my life (in my late 20's now). Some times I can't remember why I ever would even have wanted to, but other times (like now) the only thing stopping me from doing it are the fact that I have a pet who has stuck by me through it all and I don't want to abandon them. As soon as they're gone though, I'm off. I completely hate the world I live in, all the human relationships I ever seem to make a completely toxic, and I'm slowly becoming a truly horrible person who is losing is grip on reality. 10 years ago I would have hated the person I've become today - I'd probably have rather been dead. The thing that finally made me snap and just completely stop caring about anything a few days ago was relatively minor, but after years and years and years of watching my life completely fall apart and being tormented by the happiness of everyone I see around me, it's finally worn me down. I went through stuff a lot worse than this like a year ago and didn't feel nearly this bad, but when it's just one thing after another and you never find any kind of hope in this world, you just keep living regretting having not offed yourself years ago... anyways yeah I'm going nuts here, I think. Like, becoming slightly delusional and severely paranoid even, certainly very violent, hateful and cruel even if there's little inclination to act on any of it. The longer I keep going through stuff the worse I seem to get. Can't even tell a psych either, I've had so many bad experiences with them. They'll just want me on medication that will destroy my mind, won't take me seriously and will manipulate me or play head games with me instead, or will have me institutionalized if they think I'm possibly dangerous. I don't want medication, I want solutions to the multitude of unsolvable problems in my life. I suppose I really want some kind of meaning and happiness to my existence, not to spend every day being tormented by the cruel ironies of life. At a certain point so much shit has built up that there's just no way to ever get around it. Nothing could ever happen to make you feel like you'd made the right decision not killing yourself one day. Well that was a lengthy ramble. When I'm not being crazy I also enjoy discussing math, science, technology, politics, society, etc. Nice to meet you, anyone who reads this. PS. Oh, I also tend to destroy all human relationships in my life in incredibly stupid ways that I can't even understand myself, and only make them worse and end up worse off for them in the end, so if you think you're going to reach out to me then know that it'll probably end like that anywhere from a day to several years from now.