no colors left in this world

Hello everyone
I'm 24, married and live in Europe. Female by the way, not that it really matters I think...
At the age of 12 I started to have these feelings, these thoughts that won't go away...
This need to die, to disappear, to dissolve into nothingness.
I started to hate myself more than anything else in this world.
Maybe there is no cure for my condition. Pills don't work. Nothing works.
I spend my days lying on the couch, drinking alcohol, smoking weed, taking some pills, hitting myself and starving myself.
It's hard when you fantasize about Death all the time.
I just want to shut my brain off.

 

Hey DCNM,

Welcome to Suicide Forum, you have come to the right place in searrch for help so weldone :hug:

It seems like you are really struggleing ast this moment, I am really sorry to hear that but things do look up sooon

Feeling suicidal is not always about dieing but wanting the pain to go away. What one thing would you change about life?
You may want to stop on weed and alcohol as they can be classed as antidepressants but are not good to stimulate the brain.

Do you know what started these feelings at such a young age?

If youu ever need to talk, I'm hear for you seending you lodes of hugs :hug: x

 

hello death_come_near_me,

I can relate to what you're going through, i'm having the same suicidal thoughts and i live isolated, and i do drink a lot of alcohol too.
I'm belgian too, so if you want us to share experiences send me a private message you're more then welcome, i'm fluent in french and dutch.

It's better to share than to bottle things up.

Kind regards,

Eric

 

Hey thanks for the quick reply.
I justed wanted to answer some of your questions also.
If I could change one thing about life?
- me being in it
What started these feelings in my youth?
- one day I just opened my eyes and felt that this life is meaningless and pointless... it all leads to the same

I know alcohol and weed are not good for the brain.
I've been smoking weed for 10 years now, every day and all the time.
I used to be smart, but goodbye brain cells :blink:

Sometimes it's just nice when someone wants to listen to you.

 

I'm sorry to hear that if you could change one thing it would be with you not being on it, you said byou have a husband and family, who seem like they honestly love you are care about you and wouldn't want to see you getting hurt.

Life is more than worthless and meaningless and pontless, we all see the world differently, you just need to look at it through the other angle you'll see. You can send me a PM if you want to talk or if you msn you can add me

Always hear for you :hug: x

 

There's a theory that the brain can recover if you give it proper training, due to the elasticity of the brain, new circuits can be made and the brain can recover from it's damage.

 

Hi and welcome to SF. Do you have any idea where these thoughts are coming from? Have you experienced any early childhood trauma that may have caused you to start hating yourself? You should love yourself for the person who you are. Also, does your husband know how you feel? Maybe he could help you with your feelings? :hug:

 

It's not uncommon for people to have feelings like this but when they go on for quite a while you need to at least unburden yourself and explain what you go through.

Keeping this all in is part of the problem - can you not tell anyone close? Maybe parents if any? Or other relatives?

Bear in mind depression can isolate you from family and often as not silly things cause long silences. As stated by someone, if its childhood trauma then maybe its a case were family has not been loving and kind. Sometimes they are but depression is like a blackness that blots out any light.

If you are married, then one would suppose your husband ought to be the one who you'd try and share this with. Ideally he would be the one.

I hope things get better or you find some answers here.

 

I can't help but share my view. I was smoking 1/8 of an ounce a day or more, every day, and doing other drugs occasionally, before I realized that I had to get out of the fog I was in. I was, quite literally, in my own world, though I would not have believed that to be the case until I stopped smoking. My outlook on life quickly improved, and I thought less in black and white and perceived myself as a more thoughtful, meaningful person. You can do the same.

Alcohol and marijuana change the way ours mind works, even just after two drinks or two joints, doesn't it? Maybe you'll become paranoid, maybe just drowsy, maybe even slightly confused in a situation in which you would normally be focused. Now, what about smoking at the level that you are? Obviously, you are probably not getting the same highs that you used to, but as you imply, the chemicals are still detrimental to your ability to function (which you call having fewer brain cells.) Whatever it is that is going on in your brain, the chemicals you are adding are complicating what could otherwise be the former normal "you."

When you speak of burdening yourself, the burdening may now be due to alcohol and marijuana changing your perception on life, and not your life in and of itself. In your explanations, you are going back to when you are 12, explaining the possible reasons you started abusing pills, alcohol, and marijuana. But at 12 you were still developing physically, emotionally and intellectually, and it may have been difficult for you to cope with life without incorporating supplementary chemicals into your diet.

Now, however, you are 24. Practically speaking, your concerns are probably not the same as they were when you were 12. You mention having a husband and kids. Don't you want them to have a mother who is infinitely more concerned with her kids than smoking weed?

So, what can you do, besides seeing what people have to say and continuing to live your life the way you are? I am sure that setting goals will help you take the first step, and the first step is cutting down on these drugs you are abusing, or stopping them completely. There are plenty of ways to motivate yourself to do this, but whatever your motivation is, please have your first concrete goal in mind (e.g. smoking no more than 3x a day) and do not punish yourself if you do not get past this step. There is always another day when you can focus on reducing your reliance on these substances. Taking a step forward is realizing that you need a breather from marijuana, and maybe pills and even alcohol. Succeeding takes time, but it is bold to know that you have to make it there and staying with it.

motivation (just some ideas/examples)
Be there for your kids
Have a sharper mind
Just see what it is like to be substance free
See if you think about death less often
___________________________________ etc. (write one down)