I'll spare the melancholy laments, as I haven't the ability to express them in words. I live with my mother to help her out, and had to resign from my job a couple of months ago. It was that, or most likely be terminated. The reasons for that are not germane to this post, suffice it to say a termination wouldn't have been justified. This in and of itself should not be cause for concern. However, in the past two months, I have contacted places looking for work as a technician, mechanic, A/C specialist, counter grunt, even a stock boy at a grocery store. Apparently, I'm damaged goods and no one will touch me. Whether there is a secret black list that only business owners are privy to is a question that has crossed my mind many times. Needless to say, this is demoralizing in the extreme, and a scary situation. I'm not a man easily given to depression or suicidal thoughts; however, over the last several years of menial jobs and trying and failing to make something of myself, I feel that I have lost something vital, that other people have. What that is, I cannot put a name to it. At this point, I have lost the will to achieve and simply want two things : 1)To provide for my mother's well-being, which I can't do if I'm out of work. She does, however, have a life insurance policy on me if something should happen to me. Not a huge amount, but enough to live on for a good long time. 2)To put a stop to my own unrelenting pain. I am well aware of the fact that if I do go through with it I will most likely end up in Hell. Strangely, this is a remarkably easy fact to accept, since I'm technically worth more dead than I am alive.