No connection with anyone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Dark, Dec 18, 2014.

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  1. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    Anyone else have absolutely no one they feel "close" to? That isolated feeling when you're in a social event full of people, but you don't recognise or know anyone there. That is my life, constantly. I feel like I have nobody. There are people around me.... but I just don't feel any attachment to them whatsoever and I know that might sound selfish and arrogant, but I desire to feel close to at least one person in my life. It seems every time I make an attempt to socialise and assimilate into social groups or society.... it backfires and am an exiled outcast over and over again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, it feels like I'm "cursed"... I go in a group, meet people or a place with an open mind and it may be going positively and smoothly in the beginning, but in the end, a complication pops up.... forcing me or them to not want to keep in contact anymore.

    In hindsight, it was a lot easier to make connections during my High School Years, but I've lost contact with all of my "friends" now. It seems a lot harder, because I have no more motivation meeting new people, due to it always ending on a negative note.... I guess I'm numb and desensitised from having a "connection" with somebody. I am able to go out with the same people repetitively and go out by myself... but it requires huge effort and motivation on my part. This isolation is killing me inside.... I mean, I just want to be friends with a loyal, open-minded and friendly person and have a bit of an attachment.... but unfortunately it's too much to ask. I have more friends online than in real life, but it's very hard to feel connected because it's such a limited medium. I've constantly made suicide plans.... because it is literally torture to feel so isolated. There are undoubtedly many people in tough situations, but it seems they always have someone to lean on and someone they can trust and open up to.

    I'm sick of talking to helplines.... where it seems the person doesn't care and is abrupt in ending the call, unless you're suicidal, in which case there's a high chance, you get chucked in the back of the ambulance.... and put in a mental health ward. I have mental health support, but they feel limited and just doing "their job", so it doesn't feel genuine. I'm just exhausted from have to start fresh again and again, as far as relationships are involved... It feels like I don't belong in this world and I do try my best to fit in. But, I'm so socially awkward it's hilarious. I can't live the rest of my life as a hermit and feel like I'm the victim to society. That seems to be what I'm descending more and more into day by day. Isolation and loneliness is like a holy shield with spikes.... it protects me from getting hurt again, but at the same time it makes me feel like I'm not getting anywhere with my life or making progress in relationships like "everyday" people. It seems like I lose no matter what choice I take. I have a suicide plan in place that will be painless and guaranteed to succeed.... and it is very tempting to take it. And I know there is friends and family too, which is why I'm not doing it, I guess.... but I don't feel any connection to any of them... it feels like I'm living my life for them rather than myself.
  2. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    Literally very single thing you said I can relate to. I'm in so much pain because of it as well, every minute I feel like I'm stabbed in the heart, it's so slowly killing me. Thanks for writing this post, I hope you can find some sort of comfort that there's someone out there who is going through the same thing. I have no idea what else to say to you, because I know exactly how it is, the hope that gets smashed to pieces constantly, the despair, the shame, jealousy.
  3. reynard_muldrake

    reynard_muldrake Well-Known Member

    I struggle with that too, both online and in regular life. At times I was convinced I finally found "close" friends, but it wasn't to be. People say you can find friends at any time. When you see people connecting right away, though, it's hard not to think you're being cheated out of certain experiences, etc.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I feel the same way. I no longer get close to anyone because they always start to see me as a burden and dump me off whenever it is most convenient to them. So I guess that is why I have become cold and distant to people. My therapist wants me to socialize more, I can do that, but it will probably never turn into friendship, because I am done with that.
  5. shadowonthewall

    shadowonthewall Well-Known Member

    I have the same problem. I have always had few friends and for years have had none at all, whether through the internet or in real life. People that I meet at work, for example, are generally nice to me and I have had chances to foster friendships. I've had positive relationships with people on message boards, but then I fall at the next hurdle when they approach me privately to talk through instant messaging. I'm not very quick at dispensing humour and my conversational skills are generally very poor.

    I think that this makes my failure even more devastating than if I were largely ignored. If I were given the cold shoulder, then perhaps I could still be deluding myself that the problem lies with other people.

    However, given the chance that people often go out of their way to show kindness to me, I cannot avoid facing the reality that there is something very profoundly, fundamentally and innately wrong with my personality. My personality seems to be incompatible with the very concept of friendship and I cannot see any option other than to give up and hope for the courage and opportunity to win escape from my prison of isolation, through suicide.
  6. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    Sorry you're all going through the same period and pain as me. Thanks for your posts, It gives me relief that I'm not the only one who holds these thoughts and feelings, but I'm not glad there are people going through it. It's pure hell.... and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've tried to identify introspectively and retrospectively my errors, but I still don't understand what I'm doing wrong all those times. It's like a harsh lesson without any knowledge or mistakes to learn from. When I meet somebody and I persist on developing the relationship, there is always a void presently, an unexplainable emptiness, where it seems the other person likes me, but this affection and feeling just can't be replicated in return. I don't hate them but at the same time I feel like I can't connect with anyone. And that makes me feel selfish, confused and arrogant. I've come to the conclusion that maybe I've just been "unlucky" in all my social situations....

    I find it a bit easier on the internet; the cesspool of trolls and spammers, but there are barriers to the interactions, but these barriers is what makes me feel safe. I feel I have significantly more control. Social situations have metaphorically become "breathing underwater", I can't stay in it for too long.... till I need to gasp for some alone time again. I don't know what I've done to deserve this..... I'm just hanging by a thread at the moment.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 19, 2014
  7. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    I can identify everything shared here The problem or question is : is the social isolation due to depression or in part the depression due to the isolation. I suspect its more of a 2 way street. I have a different kind of isolation in that I have no one around me. But can imagine feeling isolated when being around people you know may even be harder. I get you on the help lines. Most of well intentioned but of little help really. Rather is the battle fought and won within ? I hope for your sake and others you find away to overcome these awful awful feelings. My only consolation to you at this time is you certainly are not alone in what you feel. I really wish you well I do!!!
  8. shadowonthewall

    shadowonthewall Well-Known Member

    Personally, I don't think that I am suffering from clinical depression. But I believe that my social ineptitude is one of the root causes of my unhappiness and not the reverse.
  9. caspar

    caspar Well-Known Member

    Hey, do you think you may have social anxiety disorder? Social skills are easily learnt, even if you don't naturally have a gift with socialsing and being around other people. It takes a bit of practice but it's just a skill like any other. However, from personal experience, social anxiety makes me act like a bit of a weirdo 'cause I get nervous and so on. But if I'm relaxed or comfortable I can do well with other people, as I've learnt over the years through practice/imitation. Social anxiety is treatable so you don't have a life sentence with social ineptitude.
  10. shadowonthewall

    shadowonthewall Well-Known Member

    I have Avoidant Personality Disorder and possibly also social anxiety disorder. Because I've been living in such an isolated world, I can't really relate to other people, which has made it worse. I've tried to make friends and be sociable, but even when I've extended myself to my maximum level of gregariousness, it never takes long before someone asks me why I'm so quiet.
  11. flowerofsun

    flowerofsun Member

    I'm not a native English spealer but in my life I just feel the same thing as you. It's so depressing and sometimes I think I'm used up and there is a huge stone blocking in my chest, choking me to death. I lose communication with everyone around me, even my parents, though they worry much about me. I feel sick staying with people and I can't help running away from them. I don't know what has happened - sometiimes life seems to be confusing and complete chaos. But still I wish you happy and finally find someone who really knows you and can give you the care you need.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Just posting to say that I have replied to your e-mail :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2014
  13. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly the same and wish i had a solution to offer you, me, and everyone else.

    stay strong. :hug:
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