no connection

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bluebird002, Mar 13, 2009.

  1. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    I don't feel connected to anyone. I just feel this empty pit. In my head and feelings, no-one gives me what I really need and all they do is suck things from you, are untrustworthy or incompatible.

    I feel a horrible misfit in this world. That everything is hopeless and inaccessible because I can't grasp how to play the rules of the world to do decently in the game it is. It is out of my reach and I feel like an undesirable reject in it.

    I suppose you do have to have the losers, so that the winners have something to measure themselves by but that is only a fleeting consolation.

    Suicide keeps on playing about on the edges of my thoughts. I want my problems to be fixed and suicide is the only way out I can see and I am too depressed and fearful to even do that. I download how-to books on suicide. I think about it a lot but can never find the surefire resolution.

    I get very bad times where the black hole that is a black quicksand sucks me in and I'm on a sharp edge, consumed with my situation. The black fuzziness pollutes each thing I focus on, like tar, cloudy around the edges.

    I feel stuck, impotent, powerless and many other negative things. Years of not getting the things I need has broken me down and I don't have the energy or motivation any more to even try because I need to be valued more when I do try. The being unable to feel connected to people means that I'm in a wasteland. I now literally don't interact with a single human being offline apart from brief transactions in shops or on transport for months a time.

    Depression is a curse. I wish I had the energy and up and go to do things and be productive like so many seem to be able to do. I have problems like a serious congenital disability, but so many others with my disability are able to connect with and feel connected to people and so get along in the game of life, so I'm not sure it's a real excuse. It's just combinations that conspire to make life sucky for me.

    It is a cold world, the wintry blue glass of ice cracking on me. My veins are frozen and the starlings sing without me in this bleak white sky. The blood in me will flow when the fire in me is able to burn and eat free, devouring and blazing bright. This - this is just a prison. My blood is frozen. I have no escape.
  2. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    I watched 'Control' today, which is a biopic of the singer Ian Curtis (Joy Division), and I felt so envious, because Ian was able to get all of the things I wanted, like proper relationships young, a decent job, success in something valued and was able to kill himself when he was 24. He was able to exit the inevitable (for him) misery of the world once he had done it all, as such.

    This Be The Verse - Philip Larkin

    They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
    They may not mean to, but they do.
    They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

    But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,
    Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another's throats.

    Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
    Get out as early as you can,
    And don't have any kids yourself.
  3. SadPandaBear

    SadPandaBear Well-Known Member

    all I ever read as.. is... "out of Order."
  4. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    out of order because of larkin's language, that he says negative things about parents, or was it something else?
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Maybe when you see life as a game, - with winners and losers- you will identify with the losers because you're comparing yourself with the winners you see, and Ian Curtis - his was one of misery and pain.

    I can relate to what you're saying as I've felt like you - that isolation before, the failure to connect- and the need to connect, and the hatred of depression which I felt was stifling me from being like other people.

    The people you see as productive- are they feeling happy being trapped, and what are they producing for- is it worth it?
    The people you see as winning, they might be feeling very much like you. I live in London, and I think people are so alone and unhappy although they put on a good front.

    You feel frozen and cold. Maybe there's solace in thinking, a lot of people feel like you (although they might desperately give off the impression that they don't) although you feel so isolated and a misfit?
  6. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Whilst I agree Ian did accomplish certain goals he'd set for himself and the band he had not by any stretch of the imagination 'done it all'....Joy Division would have broken massive (they were breaking big at the time anyway) he had a young family and had much to look forward to....even though he was having relationship problems.

    Why he took the decision to end his life is anyone's guess.
    But being a manic depressive and an epileptic and on lord knows what medication I think played a large part in his suicide.

    He was only 23 and could have become a spokesman for his generation.

    You should read the book by Debbie Curtis 'Touching From A Distance' it gives some fascinating insight's into Ian's mindset.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 14, 2009
  7. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    ggg4567, well, see, it doesn't really matter if they are miserable, too. In a way, I expect that of certain people. I suspect it is likely that I will always be miserable in some way, no matter what situation I am in. It's about shades and they are obviously people who are valued more in this world. It's better to be valued than not to be valued. I've been in both situations.

    Ian Curtis: at least he got out young with his unhappiness and misery. His legend lives on. I got his age wrong, oops. 23, not 24. Even younger. heh.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2009
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I hear you. To know that you exist is a fundamental human need and I've felt like you a lot in my life before. :hug:

    I drew/wrote about the fire burning - the prison as you put it, around 06. I was struggling so much and experiencing exactly what you're describing. I notice, further I retreat into the distance, the more colder I get, the more frustrated/ the more need to destroy what I've found myself is- I'm not sure if you understand that? It's a bit like when death- whenever I've found myself facing death I've screamed so loud and that's when I know I haven't lost the connection with something essential to me- something the opposite of coldness and bleakness, and maybe this is the most important connection to have? To something within yourself? I know you feel the empty pit but you described the fire within you and maybe there's a way for you to access that.