No cure

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Perhapsa3, Apr 10, 2012.

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  1. Perhapsa3

    Perhapsa3 Well-Known Member

    So this is what's going on...
    I have complete jackasses (in the healthcare field-RNs & MDs) telling me and everyone else what I am doing, saying and even thinking (they joke about my suicidal thoughts in front of me and how they got me to this point). Everything I say and even think is twisted for their benefit. I don't know who gave them the right to pry into my personal life. This is completely fucked up! People in my apartment building that I don't even know walk by my door and complain out loud about what I say in the privacy of my own apartment. This happens everywhere I go; the grocery store, library, gas stations, EVERYWHERE!! All of my phone conversations, texts and everything I look at online is being monitored and talked about indirectly towards me. These "healthcare professionals" even know everything that I am wearing...disgusting creeps! They are fucking with every aspect of my life and will not stop. Can you believe that there is technology that can alter someone's behavior with a push of a button? Seriously. I am trying my hardest to be a good person and do my job the right way but I cannot any longer. I am an atheist but at this point I am tempted to go to church for the sole purpose of praying that these low lifes burn in hell forever. There are people who have to touch or rub up against me in some way to satisfy whatever it is that they are lacking...the most disgusting people on the face of the Earth. I work in an establishment with a good name on the outside but inside it's a disgusting *****house filled with uncivilized and uneducated scum. I would not care if a nuke was dropped on the building. What surprises me most is that I let them bother me. 3 years ago I was dismissed from nursing school because of 2 low grades and when I got this job I bonded with the RNs at work hoping they could offer advice on how I could return to nursing school. After completing a CNA course I was looking to take a step towards re-entering nursing school and that's when I found out that who they really were and what they were doing to me. I would look for another job but I am afraid the same thing will happen. I've lost my dream and even the desire to go for my dream. My family's ignoring me because they think I am crazy but after I left home I went back to school, got a CNA license, my own place and pay all of my bills+student loans (except my phone bill which is paid by my grandmother, she insisted). That's not crazy, that's stable and progressive.

    I can't go on living knowing that these perverts are controlling my mood, the things that happen to me and above all making me out to be someone I am not. They take pictures of me and joke about everything I do in front of my face. People with titles RN and MD on their badges. They are fucking sick, really I don't know how they made it to where they are. Apparently, in this field, torturing and getting people to kill themselves is considered fun and noble...similar to terrorist. I fear America is no better than any other 3rd world country. I did not grow up in an environment like the one I work and live in. On top of all of this are a couple of other problems that I do not have the means to fix. I would if I could but this world is so underdeveloped. I'll probably be dead within a month. I cannot deal with this.

    Thanks for reading,
    Ashley
     
  2. laylou

    laylou Active Member

    Ashley. It sounds like you are going through
    a really horrible time. Not being able the trust
    a professional is very dangerous and lonely.
    Are you 100% positive there isn't even one
    worth putting some trust in?

    Please let me know how you are doing!
     
  3. Perhapsa3

    Perhapsa3 Well-Known Member

    By your reply I know that you don't care.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    laylou cares a great deal or would not have replied to your post hun i too am concerned about you and how paranoid you feel It must be so hard for you. You are doing great reaching out here hun and i hope you continue to do so hugs
     
  5. Perhapsa3

    Perhapsa3 Well-Known Member

    Anyway, to continue. I use to think nice clean cut individuals with families were decent people but they are proving themselves to be the scum of the universe. They actually watch me take showers and then joke about it in front of me. Really, the nice clean grocery store I shop at, which you would think is somewhat decent, talks about what I search for on the internet and jokes about my personal life. I have never invited any of these people to my house, ever. Now, I dont care if someone has a family or not, if they watch people in the privacy of their own home then they are never to be respected but rather should be thrown in jail with the rest of the rapist and pedophiles. This is the correct thing to do but I am quickly realizing that my government as well as the police do not care and probably enjoy the viewing pleasure of many families, even their kids. Sick piece of shit is only the beginning of what you all are. I am around a lot of them everyday at work. Police and guards leisurely stroll by while knowing exactly whats going on and do nothing about it. America is no better than any other country. Freedom to watch someone undress in the privacy of there own home and joke about it at work in front of their face and tell them that theres nothing they can do about it is disgusting. I cant live like this. They make me sick. Wouldnt you want a pedophile locked up or dead?...and especially if they're a police officer?!

    Then they investigate my life, my past and remind me everyday of something that happened to me that I dont want to remember and they joke about it. Using the technology that they have they make me do things I dont want to and control the way I feel. Sometimes at work I feel extremely nervous, weak, dizzy or laughy when there is nothing to justify those feelings at all. RNs and MDs and OR techs. If you cant trust a professional in healthcare with your health then the field is becoming a waste and nothing more than a scheming money market. Make someone ill, check them into the hospital and make money off of their insurance. If you keep your victum sick, you keep making money. I hate them all for what they do. Can you imagine the malpractice in psych wards?...and the devestation felt by all those who endure such evil?

    Save your smart ass comments for yourself because this is a serious problem thats needs to be addressed.
     
  6. Perhapsa3

    Perhapsa3 Well-Known Member

    Moderator, why dont you investigate whats going on instead of being so defensive. Whats going on in the world is sick and needs to be addressed and stopped. Do people you dont even know talk and joke about your family around you? Do they critique how you take a shower? Do people you dont even know talk about everything you do or have done? When you go outside do people run up beside you just to tell you about something they know about you? Or do you cover for people who like to do these things?
     
  7. Damask

    Damask Well-Known Member

    So are we supposed to reply and try to give you support or are you just going to get angry at everyone who tries to help for no justifiable reason?

    Just want to know before I try to give my two cents worth.

    I mean, you got two supportive, caring comments and they are somehow the enemy now, as low as the scum who are treating you so terribly.

    Why are we supposed to help you if you are just going to be rude in return? No one on this forum is required to reply to you, and these two did out of the kindness of their hearts. :/
     
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I am not understanding. How do people know what you're searching for on the internet? How is it that people are able to see you when you are undressing or in the shower? How are people hearing what you say in the privacy of your apartment? How are people listening to your phone conversations and reading your texts? You say people are watching you undress "in the privacy of your own home." Can you clarify that? I think everyone here would like to help you through whatever is wrong, but it would probably help if some of these things could be explained.
     
  9. aussiegal

    aussiegal Well-Known Member

    Hope you are going ok. Hope you can get some kind of support.
     
  10. Perhapsa3

    Perhapsa3 Well-Known Member

    They are reading my mind. Somehow my thoughts are sent to their cellphones via text message. I know, if someone were to tell me that pigs could fly i wouldnt believe it either but some scientist way out in the middle of nowhere is inventing technology like this. From what ive gathered online it's called Thought Identification (look it up) has something to do with reading impulses from your brain. Online it says that you have to have a CT scan for it to work but it's way more advanced than that. After Ive thought something at work people make comments on it in less than 5-10 seconds, seriously. When I first moved into these apartments, i had yet to put up curtains and there are cameras all around the property so it could have been through that. I noticed that this med student at work starting wearing shirts the same color as my underwear, seriously! I recently put up curtains but they still know everything im doing because of what i am thinking. At first I thought they only know what i am thinking about but the last 2 months they purposly place an object in my path or say something that triggers a memory, so now i know that its not just what i am thinking but they know everything about me, what ive done, were ive been, what i eat, what i am planning. They even joke about my passwords, even the password I use on here. Very disturbing!

    Anytime i feel the least bit happy at work they bring up something in my past or what i am dealing with in the present to keep me suicidal and then they joke about it. Medical professionals are doing this! Everytime they make me unhappy they gain better acceptance at work I think. I deal with this 6 days a week. Then i come home and deal with people at my apartment doing similar things. Everytime i take the trash out there is someone else taking the trash out exactly when i do in my building. Everytime I leave the apartment someone pulls in. Ive heard them talking really loud on their cells phones using the exact same language they do at work like they are trying to tell me something. They even walk by my door talking loudly and being smartasses about what I am doing online. I cant deal with this. I ask them at work why and how they are doing this but they always laugh and sacastically talk about how they dont know anything. I got upset about this website i started using to view movies and when i walked outside to go to work someone made a joke about how i got upset at the website. What disturbs me the most is that they can manipulate the way i feel. At points throughout the day i feel extremely weak or giggly or tired and they walk by me joking about how i am feeling when i havent said anything to them. I didnt say anything for a while because i couldnt believe what was happening but after a few months of careful observation I now know without a doubt that these things are happening. Theyre like kids with remote controls pushing peoples buttons whenever they feel like it. It's sick. To be honest, im used to talking to them through my thoughts and them verbally but subtly answering back and then joking about it. Even patient family members make jokes.

    Im not asking for their help i am asking them to stay the fuck out of my life but they wont. This happens everywhere I go. If a bunch of MDs and police officers are doing this, there is no help. I feel like they got me to this point and are now trying to get me to keep quiet and commit suicide so they wont get caught for what they are doing. If i die their secret dies with me because no-one will ever believe that technology has advanced this far and remained secret.
     
  11. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I m feeling for you but you might not like what i m going to say.Sounds like you are suffering alot of paranoia and you do really need to find some help.I m saying this from my heart.Try to find someone you can trust and seriously let them help you.Plus even posting here and letting ppl reach out to you will help.We are not your enemies we all really do give a shit.I ll leave it there please take care.
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi again hun i wish i could help you hun You sound so afraid you sound like my brothers my sister my daughter and all i can say is you need to get some help hun I know you don't believe me and thats okay because that is your illness. You need to see you doctor ok and tell him about your thoughts he will be able to help I am sorry you are in such a place right now you must be so afraid hugs
     
  13. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You are suffering from something that is referred to as Schizophrenia. This is believed to be caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the body and can many times be resolved by taking the proper medication. Sometimes it takes several tries of various medications to isolate the one that works best for an individual.

    If your belief and observations were true, however, would it not be a special honor to know that everyone around you has completely modified their own lives in order to keep track of your every thought? Unfortunately, most people have too much of their own going on and are not likely to have the time to focus on someone else in this extreme manner, even if it were possible to do so.

    What medical diagnoses have you been given in the past and which medications (by name) have you been prescribed in the past? You probably need to share your current experience with your doctor(s) in order that they can make adjustments and get your medications working properly.

    There should be no shame in taking medications for this. I suffer high blood pressure and take a pill for that each day. Initially, the first couple of medications for it that my doctor prescribed did not work right (one of them actually affected me very badly). Chemical imbalances and/or ailments are common in people and can many times be treated. There is no shame in being treated. Reach out to your doctor(s) for some help.
     
  14. Perhapsa3

    Perhapsa3 Well-Known Member

    Did you search for Thought Identification?

    By your replies I see that you all either dont know whats going on or you all do not want to talk about it. Im not going to pick because I dont know you all but what I do know is that this weekend it happened again and i cant tell you how disappointed i am at what this world has come to. I was a psych major in college and eager to help individuals experiencing mental distress such as Schizo disorders and other diagnosis but now that I know what people are doing to those individuals and somewhat myself, I find enlightened therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist opinions/treatments purely evil. I understand that people need jobs but to harm individuals to create jobs creates mentally disturbed people in return.

    Question:
    If whats happening to me was happening to you, knowing what people/technology are capable of, would you want to live?
     
  15. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya. Seems that you're having a really difficult time. I know you're scared about a lot of things right now. That must be hard for you. :hug:

    I looked up thought identification, and there isn't technology for reading someone's mind and sending it to other people. There is an MRI procedure that lets doctors see what areas of the brain are working when a person thinks about a specific object (and if the doctors see those areas working, they can "read" the data and infer that the person is "thinking of that object"). But that's very basic technology and not nearly enough to be able to read minds and send thoughts.

    I know you're against doctors at the moment. Some doctors are good people (I promise). I have an idea...what if you go to a doctor and give him/her a chance to prove that he/she is not out to hurt you or laugh at you? He/she will likely prescribe meds to help you feel less afraid. And after a few weeks on the meds, you could see if things are better. And it would great if you could let us know how you're doing. :smile:

    I agree that there are some things in the world that are pretty upsetting - but there are good things too. When we're feeling really afraid, it's nearly impossible to see the good things. It turns into a cycle where we feel bad all the time - and we don't have to. So please, go to a doctor and just trust him/her to help you. No matter how scared you are, just trust.

    I hope you feel better soon. Stay safe, sweetie.
     
  16. Perhapsa3

    Perhapsa3 Well-Known Member

    I'm afraid of falling into the mindset of those around me. In certain situations I think it would be easy. I'm afraid of losing my understanding or knowledge of the 'enemy'. At this point suicide is my token of peace although the pain involved is intense. I'm tired of explaining and talking about thought identification and everything else with no honest communication back. I'd like to think that there's this 'machine' on some other planet where particles or waves traveling beyond the speed of light synthesize the characteristics of human beings here. The transferral of a soul from one body to another through impressions made on our brains or nervous systems. Maybe that's what happened to me. :) (?) The state of the world should be far more advanced from becoming to being, from survival to living, from defense/offense to communication/discussion. This may be too much to ask now but it's definitely the future we're after but have yet to realize. A world where the importance of human connection and happiness extend beyond everything else we deem important today. Since we are going to be here for a while, why run towards an unsurpassable finish line when we can walk together in harmony. There's only so much to discover until we ultimately realize this.

    Tonight I felt like I got to tell my dad I was sorry for not being able to better explain the things I have witnessed and experienced over the past few years that lead to the unimaginable happening to our family. Being the only one that knows is depressing, lonely and hurts like hell. Revenge is a recurrent thought but what would that change for the world? In my case, knowing what I know, suicide is better than engagement.

    Thank you for listening.
     
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