No Escape From Life And Feeling Stuck

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by PsychT1987, Apr 27, 2013.

  1. PsychT1987

    PsychT1987 New Member

    Hi, I feel trapped and unsure how to let go of my emotions. I feel angry, but towards myself. That is filled with guilt, loneliness, and emptiness. I don't know where to begin or start. I am 25 years old. Graduated college two years ago and living with my mom. I help pay for groceries twice a week and lend money when my mom needs it. I also help what I know fix and clean the house. I cook and replace appliances as needed.

    Am I the perfect son no. Never did drugs, drink, or go party. I will take responsibility my mom had it difficult raising me. I had my outburst, but my mom was a saint pulled through it. Put herself in debt to provide the best life for me. I feel I never can return or show how much I appreciate her for that.

    Now where my mindset is at. I feel that my life is empty and worthless. Reason I feel that is I don't deserve the people who try to bring joy to my life. Looking at my environment I don't know how or what the next step is. I feel my mom is very controlling and judgemental. I ferl wrong about this and hope maybe I am too critcal. Lately, making statements about my recent weight gain. Why I don't run anymore. Reminding me of past events in my life. Saying look what I had to deal with or you made this choice look what happen. Talk to her about giving me breathing room. However, still tries to control situations. One was leasing a car talked to the dealer. Few seconds later mom makes call to the dealer explaining the situation and trying to handle it. Other situation is trying to move out. States stay here i will leave the condo to you. Again I feel taking control of the situation. Been reaching a point where I stop listening to my mom. Now we rarely talk she feels I hate, which I don't. I feel so guilty. Other issues are with current relationship hid in the beginning since she wasn't in approval of it. Then came out about my relationship with a older woman. Was okay, but she felt dissapointed. Expressed why do you do this to me, why can't you have normal relationships, and I want grand children. I now hide it behind her back again and feel guilty. Feel like I am on eggshells. Other issues are trying to control what career I take in life. Even though I graduated college with a Bachelor's. Upset it took five years a d feels I struggled can't go further.

    Biggest issue is can be one of the most supporting mother in the world. Then she will criticize you or remind you of something she did for you. I feel put down at times. My family also questions my life choices and how I handle situations. My mom does defend me at times.

    I feel so trapped and worthless. I am sorry I rambled a bit. Just had to let it all out. I have no intention of taking my life. However, also wonder be the only way to escape.
    I also have no clue what I want to do with my life or what I enjoy about life. Only time I feel at ease is when I am running or with my girlfriend.
    I don't know how to though. I feel trapped in this relationship with my mom. Anything I do would be the wrong move. I don't know how to break free from letting that judgement and guilt pull me down.
    Conversation today with my mom: Ranting in an email about how I don't understand car shopping. Trying to interject what needs to be done. Now saying I won't help you out, which I wanted in the first place. Doesn't understand why we don't talk anymore. Tell her you try to control my life. Expressed the need to listen to her. Said I don't because you don't listen to me.

    Few hours later talked more about car situation she was supportive. Then said those shorts won't fit you. What size are they. Said you gain weight you need to be a 38. Then went on about my beard I grew. How she doesn't like it feels it has changed me. Joking to me that I will be a mass murder and be writing a manifesto. Then saying what are you depressed oh I forgot. Then starts jabbing me about my girlfriend what she break up witj you. Guilty me about what going to ser her tomorrow over family.
    Please I need help I feel like I want to break apart. Can't eat or talk to my mom. Just stay in my room sleeping all day until work. I can't sleep anymore. Go to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning up by 8am. I miss enjoying life. Why am I like this. I have no one to talk to. Only person close in my life is my girlfriend. However, I don't want to overwhelm her with this. I have no idea how to handle this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time to move out on your own get that space you need and deserve Your relationship with your mom will be better then as you can set up boundaries that she will have to abide by hugs
  3. PsychT1987

    PsychT1987 New Member

    That's the thing I feel so pathetic. I can leave and walk away. However, I feel guilty. I know if I leave my mom will be upset not on her terms. I can't loose my mom. I don't know why I feel like this ot sounds ridiculous. I appreciate the support and looking at my ramblings.