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No escape

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mortal Moon, Oct 30, 2009.

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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    The only thing in the world that I want is to die peacefully at the time of my choosing. That's my only wish. I don't want to take anyone with me (unless they choose to follow), I don't want to make a statement or prove a point, and I'm NOT "crying for help."

    All I want is to quietly, painlessly return whence I came. That's all.

    Why won't anyone let me do this? Why is it such a impossible wish to grant? Is it really so much to ask? Really?

    There was a time, a little over 22 years ago, when I didn't exist. There was no 'me'; no mind, no consciousness. Then, suddenly, POOF: here I am. Now I exist, through no fault of my own. I didn't ask to exist; I didn't sign up for any of this. A couple of people just decided it would be a great idea to make a new person, and that was that.

    Fast-forward to present, and I have come to the conclusion that I really don't like being human. I have considered the difficulties that are inherent in human life- work, illness, noise, nonsensical rules, dealing with unpleasant and hostile people, coping with loss, fear, oppression, injustice, a weak and frail body, insatiable desires, and on and on- and determined that the benefits of living do not outweigh the hell of these trials. I have absolutely no desire to play the role that has been foisted upon me.

    So what do I do? In a more just world, I would have the option to just up and quit. Doesn't that seem fair? Doesn't that seem like the very least the world could do for those who must bear the burden of its ills?

    But no, says the world, fuck that. You're going to live as long as you reasonably can, whether you like it or not, and we're going to do everything in our power to keep you here. Involuntary commitment and forced "therapy", excessive regulation or outright banning of voluntary euthanasia, suicide watches, interventions, "pro-life only" counseling, denial that one is competent or even sane for wanting to die, an ingrained culture of shame and stigma... whatever it takes.

    What's the point of keeping me here? Why does it matter to you? Don't I have the right to not be a slave? Why am I stuck in this prison?

    Why am I not allowed to die?!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dying is not the answer there are treatments new medication every day that can help you just ask you doctor for them new meds that will help hard to treat depression. Ask to start new treatment with new therapist every one is different. You have been given this life use it to help others to care for others if not yourself Look outside you and see who you can reachout to to help them. I am sorry you are suffering but there is help is treatment is cures just reach out and demand them instead of giving up on everything and everyone
    You can do so much really everyone has potential use it okay to help othersin pain.
  3. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I don't want treatment. I don't want to get better.

    As cliche as this phrase now sounds, all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up. If there were any justice in this world, no one would try to keep me here against my will.
  4. dreamstar

    dreamstar Active Member

    FourthDerivative you took the words right out of my mouth. I feel EXACTLY the same as you. All I want is to slip away peacefully/quietly. And if there were any kind of justice in this world it would be possible for the both of us. But there is no justice in this world. This world is truly HELL! And it sickens me and disgusts me to no end how they hold us here against our will! So what if the majority of this population wants to live so much. NOT everyone is the same! Not everyone wants this piece of garbage called life! Anyway, yeah, just wanted you to know that your not alone in your feelings and someone else out here is feeling exactly as you are about this matter. If only we could find a peaceful/painless/guaranteed way out without anyone ever finding out about it until after we're gone. *sighs*

  5. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    dreamstar - Thank you for understanding.

    I just feel so trapped all the time. I don't want to live, but I'm not allowed to die. So what am I to do? There's simply no way out. I get very scared and angry when I think about it.
  6. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I don't understand what you mean by you are not allowed to die....who is not allowing you???
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I too suffer from SI but thru the help I have received I know I won't act on it again..I have seen the devastation that follows a death and it wasn't pretty..
  8. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Well, for example, if I tell my therapist that I plan to kill myself, s/he will call the police and I will be restrained, I will have dangerous items like knifes and medication taken away, etc. Or if I attempt to kill myself and fail, I could be involuntarily committed to a mental hospital for an indefinite period of time, kept under close surveillance, forced to take certain treatments, etc.

    As it currently stands, suicide is something that (usually) must be done in complete secrecy; your loved ones can't be present or even know about it, so there's no chance to say goodbye or have someone to comfort you in your last moments; the need for discretion and reliability often means that one must employ methods which are incredibly painful or gory; and so on. Because of our culture's attitude toward suicide, it is nigh-on-impossible for someone to experience a truly good death by suicide. If it's to be done at all, it must be done in the manner of a shameful crime.
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