No External Reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lovecraft, Nov 30, 2008.

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  1. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    I have a family that loves me, a fine house over my head and a rather expensive computer before me. I have all the friends I care for and have no desire for a love life. My parents have more money put aside for my future than most, and I have enough ability with computer science to build computers and setup servers and such. Overall I'm quite above average in what I have, especially when you think of the whole world, not just the Western world.

    But that's all moot. Most people here have some sort of external trauma and/or depression. I have depressiong as well, I'm told by the doctor, but it's more than that. The good thing about external things and depression is that they have pills and counselling for that. Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting either as being easily dismissable in any fasion, but at least with them there is some sort of hope of getting through it.

    I have none of that. Anyone familiar with a Lovecraft novel might already understand what I'm going to say. Everytime I try to understand what I am - *if* I am - or where I stand, it's answered only by the maddening inability to understand anything. Existentialism that has gone unchecked never ends well.

    There was a time about two years ago in which I was content to accept that I may very well be a dream, a fantasy. I was content in my hedonistic ideal; I could throw such questions away in the name of laughter and fun. With time, though, my laugter became empty; leaving me wholly unhappy and unfulfilled. It's been six months at least since I would have last called myself anything resembling content. It's been at least six months of me trying to find some sort of answer to my existentialist questions so that I might be able to find reason to live in them. No success. So here I am: devoid of reason to live, devoid of answers, devoid of happines. So why haven't I tried anything yet? Well I did not too long ago. It must have been three weeks worth of -Prescription Drug Name Here-, and I was taking a lot per dose as it was. The information said an overdose should have cause AT LEAST a coma. I woke up the next day in the hospital nearly unharmed by the overdose. After that, I've been scared to try any of the more peaceful, easy methods, knowing their unpredictability, and I'm too scared to try something more drastic and crude.

    I'm sure the words you're all just waiting to post are generic "it will get better" remarks. Please spare me those. I've had lots of time to try and think about this, and I always end at the conclusion that they may indeed get better. I then say to myself "so what?". If I'm dead, I'll never have to realize I might have been missing out. If I'm dead, I may lose my happiness, but I'll also lose my sadness. A trade I'm willing to make.
     
  2. Mightbehere

    Mightbehere Well-Known Member

    Well you certainly have a flare for writing. This is a pro-life site so you cant blame us for trying to make you hang on. :smile:
     
  3. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    Thank you, but I've tried applying it to more creative pursuits. It ended poorly.

    Precisely why I'm here. I may have failed, so I'm opening this to the forum going puplic: why should I not choose death? If I'm too scared to try anything -for the moment- I may as well explore the alternatives.
     
  4. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    You seem enlightened or something.

    Why shouldn't you choose death? I... honestly don't know, especially if you're willing to "make that trade."

    Just in case you've not considered the following:

    I'd be interested to know your age, at least tentatively. I wonder how long you've been dealing with this (you say six months but have there been no traces of depression prior to that?) and I wonder how incorrigible your depressive state actually is. If it even matters, are you sure the problem isn't a tangible one?

    Are your options all exhausted? Are you too exhausted to give a damn? Are you sure it's life you want out of or just the despair? Were things ever pleasant before the onset of depression? Is getting that pleasure back really not worth it?

    Don't have to answer the deluge of questions, necessarily.

    Ultimately, my point is, you're probably smart. I bet you know what you're doing. And if you're not desperate enough to attempt and then attempt and then attempt or to try something so outlandish that any chance of failure is dismissed, then I doubt that dying, here, is your priority. Your priority is escaping the misery? Or filling the cavity, perhaps?

    So you obviously don't want this. Six months isn't long enough to have tried your every option (being introspective for hours on end isn't an effective option, either... hah... takes a little self-deceit to be happy, usually; not sure if you're willing to incorporate that, though).

    There are other options. Be a little patient. Open up. Keep working with your doctor. Maybe you're bored? Be reckless as HELL if it suits you! Maybe it'll pass. Maybe it won't, whatever. You have all the time in the world to die.

    .

    Now, let's be real. I feel a lot like you do. I'm pretty sure you've cogitated all this crap and its lackluster still leaves you thinking, "so what?".

    Well, then, yeah, so what?

    Then...
    well...
    so nothing.

    I can only send you my best wishes and an offer for a listening ear (and sometimes --only sometimes, though-- my sense of humor is good for a distraction :tongue:). Feel free to PM me if you need a chat :arms:

    In any case, you're heard. I hope you find your peace somehow. How ever. I can imagine it's deserved.



    ...and you're a fucking brilliant writer.
     
  5. stormfront

    stormfront Member

    As others have said, you're quite the writer. Sound pretty intelligent as well, so I'm not going to bore you with "chemical imbalance" theories, since thats not really your problem anyway. I'm not admitting to knowing Lovecraft very well, but I did the wikipedia on him and can see where your thoughts come from. I'm going to check out one of his book from the library and give it a read. I'm open minded to anything, so this should be some very interesting reading.

    Perhaps you are suffering from an existential vacuum? Viktor Frankl discusses existentialism in his book, "Mans Search For Meaning" - I believe he studied some Freud (Or Kikergaard (sp?)), both of whom I think were deeply versed in such philosophies as existentialism, nihilism, and a few other -isms. Why not use your natural curiousity to give some of these philosophers a read. Its not all doom and gloom, although it sometimes reads like it. If you're into torrent files, I found quite a few good listenings available for download, which really got my mind working in the other direction, making me think, challenging me...I wish I had the titles off hand, but I don't, I just started researching some stuff on mininova and would download for the hell of it, but then it got really fun. Hit the library and study an old philosopher. Could be what your mind is looking for.
     
  6. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    Anyone that sees things differently than most do get this label. Or the label of insanity. Given the word you choose to use, I'll take it as a compliment to my perspective.

    I'm 16. I've been dealing with general depression and discontentment with life for all of that time, but it was about two years ago in which everything became more... complicated. At the time I had a rough week, and by the end of it decided that I could dismiss all the existentialist questions in favour of a hedonistic life. It worked out well until about six months ago; the time that I became more depressed than ever before. It was around then that serious attempts started. (I learned from this that plastic bags aren't nearly as dangerous as your mother may have told you.)

    As I said above, this may just be an episode. It might end tommorow for all I know. The point is that this has taken a certain toll on me that goes beyond my immedeiate mood's effect on me. Even when I was relatively happy prior to now, there was a lingering feeling of suicide. I knew that period had to end, and I know that this will be a cycle in my life if my life is allowed to continue. This sadness may end, but my reasons to live, and lack thereof, does not.

    I'm quite certain this problem is not external. The only major change that has correlated with worsening depression is the changing of myself. It's all me.

    All the obvious options are exhausted. A few different anti-depressants, couselling, electroconvulsive therapy, the works. I guess I really have become too tired to care after all this. I'm willing to give whatever treatments await me at the new hospital I'm being shipped off to, but I'm not optimistic.

    Do I want to escape life or the despair? Both. They are entagled and eachother, as many other things are with life. I'd like to remove what I don't want from the source so it doesn't come back.

    I don't keep trying to do it because, as you indirectly stated, it would be counter-productive. The more I did it, the more I'd be watched for doing it again, thus making it harder. If I resort to desperate measures, I'll probably end up injured but alive, and yet again held against my will by a hospital.

    I suppose you could call my goal ending my torment, but not filling a cavity. I can live with a crappy lawn if the house is nice, as it were.

    I've been trying methods for just about two years, it was only six months that I have been at my all time low. Before that suicide was on the table but not really considered.

    I'll agree that six months isn't a terribly large amount of time for a problem like this, but it's that the more pronounced problem has been around longer and has shown no signs of slowing through many different treatments.

    As I said before, I'm willing to see what another, more involved hospital has to offer before I act on my intents, but that's about it. I do have a whole lifetime to die, but why wait when you can act? Why should I sit on a chair of thorns when I can walk away?

    So living in a world I have an inherent inability to be happy in leaves me at a fork in the road. I can live in a world I hate, or take my leave of it.

    Thank you. More people are put off by my choice of words than enjoy it, though.
     
  7. Lovecraft

    Lovecraft Well-Known Member

    If you're into such reading, I'd recommend Plato's Cave. Rather short, but nontheless worthy of attention and contemplation.

    I don't read as much as I once did, though. School killed my passion.
     
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