No fight left in me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jay19, Sep 22, 2014.

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  1. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I feel like I can't get better as I have no fight/energy left in me.
    Believe me I have tried but to no avail. I have tried meds & CBT to reduce my anxiety/OCD. Become more social and make friends but everyone I have met have treated me like rubbish and/or treat me as I'm invisible, leaving me more fragile than before

    There's no motivation to get better if you already tried and nothing good come from it. Even other people I have met with MH issues have had somewhat of a decent life, positive experiences, loved ones in their life. Yet looking back I cant remember a time I was happy, even in childhood. Never been in a relationship or been intimate with the opposite sex, even holding hands. Friendship wise, maybe 16 years ago I had someone I would call a best friends. 16 years being alone has taken it's toll on me.

    Why continue to exist if this is all I have to look forward in life - more struggle and heartache. If I were to take my own life I know how'd I do it & where. I'm not afraid to do it, only thing stopping me from doing it is feeling guilty by leaving my family. They dont really care about me yet if I were go only then would they take notice of me, how sad is that!

    I tried to be a good person, very morally strict and always try to do the right thing and help other people. Yet where has it got me, people who are horrible and selfish have a better life and are in less pain than me, what did I do to deserve this life?
     
  2. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Hi Jay;

    I can definitely relate to a lot of this, especially the exhaustion from constantly hitting my head against the brick wall of humanity.

    Which is why an online community like this one is so important. There is strength to be gained from talking with others who understand the emotional place you are in.

    Hope you post again soon.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Jay lots of good people here like you ok so keep talking to us we do understand
     
  4. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    Thx guys for replying. I'm trying to be optimistic but I have been burned too many times so lost faith in people in general. There are good people out there, i know that but I never make a close connection with them as they have their own lives and only seem to want to help me up to a point and then it feels like 'I have done my bit, I feel better now'
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad you feel a bit better Jay hope you continue to feel better hugs
     
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, you can do it. Don't give in as you are important. Keep posting for further support. PM if you want to talk anytime.
     
  7. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I didn't say I felt better.

    I'm not important, thats the thing, if I was then i'd care to other people but I dont hence being treated as invisible.
    I used to be a glass half full type of guy and i'm trying to have hope but I have nothing left in me.
    I don't feel scared, relieved to take my life, it's just something I wanna do as this is just a existance so won't continue living?
     
  8. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    Let me be completly honest with you.

    Yes, you are right, the world is full of darkness, terrible things happen to good people, this happens way to often, life is unfair and often cruel, wherever we look we see hate, half the world hates the other half, people live meaningless lifes, finding joy in other people's misery. This exists I'm not going to lie, the world is not a marevolous place, but there are good people out there, there is good and light in the world and that is what keeps me going everyday, I was once lost not unlike you, still am to an extent, but I was "saved", pulled from the darkness by my best friend, he made me believe in human kindness again, he showed me a different world, a brighter one, he made me believe in my worth and never asked nothing in return, he died of cancer a few years back, just a few weeks before is 30th birthday, it was cruel and brutal to see him go, I have never been so angry in my life, but I moved on, he saved me and I try everyday to be like him and to make him proud, every good thing I do with my life is because of him, his life was short but to me he was the most important person that ever lived, where I only saw darkness I started to see light, the world is the same, but I looked at it with different eyes, I still go to dark places, get despaired and hopeless sometimes, but I try to find a reason to stick around, finding joy in the smallest things, when someone says hello, when I go out to take a coffee and the waitress greets me with a smile, when someone says thanks, when someone holds the door for me, I've started noticing these little things, with time I started doing these things to others, smiling whenever I could, thanking people, doing little favours, these are very small things but changed my view of the world, I started to see that it was not all darkness, there was light we just have look at it, with this I became more open, I've started letting people enter my life, started to trust them, did I got hurt, sure I did, sometimes, but not always, I've made good friends, took me over 25 years, but it was worth it. Every day is a struggle yes, but is worth it, I know you can only see darkness right now, I know that you have been hurted, but know that life is worth living.
     
  9. ImmuremenT

    ImmuremenT New Member

    I feel extremely similar as to how you feel.
    I've come to an understanding that people are not meant to live the way they do in this society. Congested in cities with millions of people, ruled by money, the awkward 'norms' of social interaction; it all goes against our nature so our true feelings get bottled up and we explode.

    So don't feel alienated, human nature has been perverted and there is little room for a valuable change in society mainly because of the adaptation we're all used to, whether we like it or not.
    You just have to take it the way it is, being not content with things sucks, but this is how corporate greed has shaped the world.

    I'm here for you my friend.
     
  10. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I know what you are saying random33 but it seems I attract all the darkness in the world. I am a optimistic person but I havent found happiness or people to make me happy.
    You said you got hurt but not always. Thing is I have ALWAYS got hurt, I tried to write down the times when I did'nt but the page was blank.
    I'm not naive to think that everyone is nice and that if I meet one bad person then I end up with no faith in humanity. I know that generally most people out there are nice but I havent found them, and believe me I have tried.

    I am defective in some how and/or I am invisible to people and I bring it on myself that people treat me crap I guess. Therefore I don't see the point in existing. I don't think I will still be here by christmas, just need to make my final plans.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2014
  11. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    Happiness comes from within, I know this sounds extremely cliché, but I found it to be true. One cannot expect to be happy because of external factors, you can have it all and feel miserable, have nothing and be happy, it's not easy to change our mindset, most of us here, myself included, have our brains twisted to a point that we keep sabotaging ourselfs even if we don't realise it, we keep telling ourselfs lies and in time we start believing them, it's a gigantic task to fight our own mind and we have to do it on a daily basis, I know how it is to feel completly surronded with darkness, with no hope and no escape, but we need to realise that this prison that we live in is of our own making and that we can break free one day, don't be afraid to cry for help if you have to, if no one else we are here for you and believe me when I tell you WE CARE, you are not invisible or defective to us, we want you to get through this, it means the world to us, you are not alone.
     
  12. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for keeping on replying random33, really appreciate it!

    I agree with everything you have said especially with happiness coming from within. However I feel that a human being needs comforting, emotional connections with people etc. Even psychologists have said how much a negative effect a lack of human interaction/affection can have on us i.e (Maslow's hierarchy). Even things like 'touch starved' can have a huge effect on someone.

    So basically what I am saying is that for most people they may have someone be it partner, family or friend who gives them that basic human emotional contact. With me however I dont have anyone. Imagine someone like me and how they must feel without having that. I think its hard to realise for someone what you are missing if you never had a relationship or friendship if they have had it at some point in their life. We take things like this for granted but without them the gap is very noticeable.

    The human being does need positive affirmation and intreraction from other people to some degree to be happy. With aanxiety disorder all you have is your own negative thoughts and no positive thoughts to balance it out. Without it being happy just from yourself is very hard, maybe impossible. I have tried but after years of trying I can't find it anymore.
     
  13. It's super hard to trust people. I think that's a common belief amongst the depressed and anxious. I find it extremely hard to trust.

    I have met a wonderful girl though. She's very social and bright. She's my best friend and my lover. I trust her very much.

    Basically what I'm saying is it is hard but it is possible to trust someone else.

    So just be yourself (tough I know, I don't like myself either) and someone will see the good in you. As soon as I let my guard down a little she was hooked.

    Keep trying
     
  14. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    I wish I could be there for you, I really do, but although we are not there in person, we are here to help you and support you.
    You are in a bad place right now, but things can get better, but only if you stay here, I know that this means very little and that you are probably going to dismiss it, I would if someone told me a few years/months ago, but please trust me on this one, things can get better, brighter days will come, like the above poster said you need to let your guard down, open yourself, you have always been hurt and I know how hard this can be for you, I wish I could promisse you that you will never get hurt again, but there is no way to know it, what I know is that there are great people out there, wonderfull people.

    Hang in there, remember that we are here for you, please feel free to post what you want, to let your feelings out, we will always be here to listen, we may not have the power to make it better, but we will listen.
     
  15. Boris

    Boris New Member

    Hey Jay. I hear that you have no one to interact with. And you've never had good people care enough about you. We need good people in our lives.

    What I would advise you to do is take a break from looking for happiness to come to you from someone else. Try to make other people happy and get your happiness there. Everything else will follow.

    You can volunteer at a hospital or retirement home. Those people are usually as sad and isolated as you are. Talk with them. Listen to them. Help them out. Play a board game/cards with them. My dad was in a hospital for 10 years and I got to know a lot of residents and nurses. All great people. People who work or visit retirement homes and hospitals tend to be people who we would all be lucky to be friends with.

    It gives you a new perspective on what happiness is. But don't make it about you. Make it about them. Your happiness will follow.

    If you don't have enough time to volunteer, quit your job and work at a retirement home/hospital.

    Also one of the most important things you can do is stop hiding your unhappiness/loneliness. Be open with everyone about it. I have found that most people are pretending they are happy when they're not happy. People will open up to you. People will relate. You'll stop being embarrassed about being lonely when you see how many other people feel the same way.
     
  16. apx24

    apx24 Member

    This is the catch 22, people are told that they need to love themselves before others can love them, but when you have no one, loving yourself is impossible.
     
  17. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Share your pain I go through some same thing your saying about humanity and being alone and others seeming to have it better. Just saying ur not alone in feeling this way and hope you put off the plan and live to see new years
     
  18. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    That's no exacty truth and I talk from experience, being clinicaly depressed, having generalized anxiety disorder and a few childhood traumas, I never loved myself, I still think that I'm pretty much one of the worst people out there, I can rationalize and understand that is not truth, but there is no way to escape this feeling, I'm in constant fear that other people will realise how bad I am, and run away, letting me jobless, homeless and unloved. What I did was to open up to the world and see how it went, I was one of the lucky ones, very, very lucky to find great people along the way that helped, it is important yes, but you need to open youself and be willing to be hurted, it's very hard to do so, considering the amount of hurt you have been through, but it is possible. Loving ouselfes, that's in another league I guess, the day I'll love myself and most importantly forgive myself for all the messed up stuff I did in the past, will probably be the day a kick depression out of my life for good.

    I think that a low self esteem is one of the major symptoms of depression, I've never met anyone clinicaly depressed with a healthy self esteem, we all have a twisted vision of our value and our self image, we may not be the most charming, beautifull, inteligent people out there, but we are not as bad as we think we are.

    Boris gave you great advice, volunteering is one of the best treatments for depression/loneliness and a great way to know people and learn, it can be hard to do when you are deep in the hole, but if you can gather the energy do it, it's great.
     
  19. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I've always been a giver Boris, making people happy, being there for them. I have done voluntary work in the past and found it rewarding helping people. But after a while I have found i'm not fully happy. As I said in my lasty post I believe that everyone needs to gain some degree of happiness from other, some form of human affection, without that it's very hard to be happy.
    In essence it is like I lack the basic human needs and trying to fix myself by searching for other ones so i'm doing it all backwards as most people will have loved ones in their life and gain further happiness helping others or gaining it from themselves.
     
  20. Jay19

    Jay19 Well-Known Member

    I agree, it's impossible in my opinion and until you have no one and try to find happiness, then you realise how hard it is.

    How long do you keep trying though, i've tried all my life yet to no avail so whats the point in opening up to people still, a human being can only take so much.
     
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