No Friends.... No Purpose... No Change

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Aug 31, 2006.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    When I look back on my life I see that I have never had any friends, IRL that is... I have had people I have known for 10 even 15 years. But there is a difference in knowing someone and being freinds. I have not had one person I could consider a friend. A friend is someone you love and trust, someone you know is someone you know. That is all... there is nothing really to it. In my real life life I have only known people never had any friends. This is why I feel the need to kill myself. Because in 21 years of existence I have never even had ONE friend. There is no hope for me EVER...

    When I lie around thinking about all of this I just want to die really. Mainly because I don't have anyone around me. No one is here only people I know no friends. No nothing I try to distract myself day in and day out... but my distractions are not infinite mainly because my distractions only happen between real life. All I want to do these days is kill me. I envy the beings in my distractions. I think, man if only I could have had a fantasy life like that. If only I mattered enough I could be happy or have purpose.

    I have no purpose other than to consume. I am Asexual which means that I lack sexual attraction or a sexual desire. This means that I lack the will and desire to continue on the speices. With this lack of hardwired passion I have noticed that all passion in my life is not there either. All passion in my life is erased. I feel no point in doing anything because what is the point when I will just die anyway. I can barely bring myself to scrape along as mediocre in life. What is the fucking point I ask? I am just wasting space and there has never been anyone around to make a sincere effort to show me otherwise.

    No one ever has, I have barely ever been praised for anything I do. Even as a small child I was praised minimumally just to ingrane a general idea of something into my head. People have shown me day in and day out that I am not worth the time or space. I figure this to be true on some simple logic. I have encountered SEVERAL Hundred people in my lifetime. And yet not a one has EVER shown an interest in me as a human being. The only time when interest is shown is when a task needs to be completed, or that individual needs me to do something for them. Otherwise I am just another face in the vast sea. I have only been seen as worth while in text.... but that is fading everywhere I go and everyday I live, here being the PRIME example. I am tired of waiting I held that optimistic view that something would come along and change my life for 18 years before I gave up.

    That whole "Something will happen" is just a load of shit really. I mean seriously to never have experienced this once in my life. There is no way that it exists for us all. It exists for those that nature has deemed the strong not me though. 21 years 21 FUCKING YEARS... and I have never even seen a glimer of hope not once not ever so I ask what do I have to fucking wait so long? I have never experienced what some might call love or passion I have never had a true friend I don't even know where how to trust people. I can't even remember how a fucking hug feels. No one has ever shown an interest in me. They all just tolerate me and once I am gone they forget me. Nothing has happened thus far and nothing will happen ever. I can see my future day in and day out will be the same I will lie around the net typing about my depression and loneliness and lack of experience in the world until the day I die. So I wonder why not die soon?

    I serisoulsy don't understand why I am here? I mean I want to die I want to die so very badly. But I plot, I am waiting for the best time to do it. That time is rolling over soon VERY soon. So what point do I have to live for? The unknown tomarrow? Don't give me that crap tomarrow is only unknown if there have been twists in your life. The only twist in my life was when my grandpa died. That was it ONE twist and a sad one at that. Tomarrow holds wonders for the people who have had random things happen to them. For the people who are deemed worthy of existence. I live a very boring unworthy existence. Therefore it will be the same boring suffering existence til the day I die naturally. So Why not just kill myself when I graduate like I am planning on doing?
     
  2. Crazy_01

    Crazy_01 New Member

    I can relate to the whole "Knowing people but not having true friends" thing. The same thing reoccurs in my life as well, no one wants to have me around other than to use me and get over on me. I am 31 years old and I too have never been in love, I have had love for others only to find that it was not reciprocated. I have had "friends" but not true friends. What I mean by that is I've had people that have portrayed themselves as friends, only to have alterior motives. To take advantage of my good nature and willingness to help. When I finally get fed up with being used thinking maybe the favors would be returned or the people that were my supposed friends would offer moral support, they dissapear. I in no way am qualified to give advice other than from my own personal experience. I have lately become tired of life as well. As if life has become stagnant and there is no real reason for me being here, like I have no purpose other than to exist, and continually be used up by people or to choose to completely shut the world out and live a life of complete solitude.
    What I have noticed in my situation is I found something I enjoy, for me it's ride sport bikes. (your interest might be different) but find anything you can to get you outside and away from dwelling on the sadness. My joy from riding comes in the form of risk taking. Before I realized life was becoming stagnant and people were only there to use me I would never had considered taking the risks I do now. I don't actively WANT to die, but if it happens I just don't really care. I street race and stunt on my bike because the thrill makes me happy. I'm not sure if it's healthy but it has made me get back to enjoying my existance, even if the thing that does bring me joy is the same thing that ends my existance. If I am not shaking from the adrenaline after a ride, I'm not happy. If I go out and push the envelope I always feel rewarded by the rush. I'm not saying become a risk taker I'm saying if you can find something that YOU enjoy than do it. Screw everyone else. Everyone around me condems me for riding like I do but in my oppinion they don't understand it and probably only want me to not die so that they can continue to use me. So I do what makes me happy and figure screw them. I hope this helps you. It helped me reading your post as I was begining to feel like the only person that had some of the similar feelings/thoughts you shared.
    I hope you can find something to make YOU happy in life no matter what it is. I think we share the same thing in needing to have something worth living for, my thing is the feel of adrenaline rushing though my veigns to remind me I am alive.
     
  3. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    I've only just now met someone that I feel I can trust. The truth is those sort of people, the ones you can call true friends, are very rare. I think a lot of people call others friends when they are really nothing more than mere acquaintences. And many pretend to be happy, wea ra mask. When we only see the outside behaviors we get a picture of life being better for everyone else becasue that is the picture they paint. But as I said it is only now in my life that I have met someone who did not backstab me in some way. Someone who hasn't badmouthed me or repeated my secrets. So yes it's true. For many it many take nearly forever to find that person who can be true and trusted. I heard some great advice recently about people looking for love/friendship. basically what was said is one needs to learn to live and be happy with themselves alone before they can truly be happy in any relationship. Basically meaning we can't depnd on others to make us happy or give our lives meaning. I thought it was some very sound advice.

    Mia
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I do have several hobbies that I enjoy doing. But every once in a while they just stop working for me. All my depression and sadness come right back and annoy me....

    I figured that was the turth. You can only be happy in a relationship when you are happy one your own. So I am doomed to misery no matter what... this bites...
     
  5. dark_thought

    dark_thought Guest

    So I'm unhappy as I have no friends and I have no friends because I'm unhappy.

    I'm just the same Forgotten_Man. I've never really had friends. Back in high-school, the people I thought were friends betrayed me. In college, they ignored or avoided me. And at work, they belittle, patronize or humor me.

    I don't believe true-friendship is inevitable. People can become so twisted inside that it becomes an impossibility. Let's face it, no-one wants to be too friendly with people bent on suicidal depression. We want friends who are full of energy and life.
     
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah there is that reason too... I am sure that no one wants to hear about how someone wants to die. I am sure once I turn to that mode... be my true self they will run as far away as fast as they can.
     
  7. Valis16

    Valis16 Guest

    i sometimes wish that people weren't so hardwired to have this pressure to have friends and have love/sex and play the whole intricate social game, i mean what if we had evolved from some solitary animal that only needed itself to be happy? i only feel this because i've given up entirely on the whole thing; i'm past that point of no return. like dark_thought said, the possibility of becoming so twisted inside from depression is very real. i've been depressed for maybe 4 years, but in past years i was happier and a little (just a tiny bit) more confident; i never saw myself as weird or creepy but now that's the impression i can't escape. i have turned into the one who sits in the corner and looks lost, who classmates will only laugh at or shake their heads in vague uneasiness. i can't read expressions or lips or body language, i absolutely can't fathom what people are thinking and i don't think like anyone else, and above all i am so weak that i'm almost like putty just bending and simpering to anyone's will who comes along. therefore i can't play this big ego-match we call life.

    seriously, have you ever met anyone who is scared of disagreeing in an idle conversation, or even looking confident in himself?
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I get scared of looking like that.. yes yes... because I am an ugly person and an ugly person trying to look good is like shit trying to be chocolate. It is not a good site at all.
     
  9. Valis16

    Valis16 Guest

    i feel like garbage for being this ugly. it slowly turns me rotten on the inside, and lifeless. i'll bet you know what it feels like to receive sneers from girls and smirks from guys. for doing nothing but existing. for daring to think you deserve to be a person too.
    hang in there. please. hugs :hug:
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I know all too well... but people are polite to me... they just hold in their insults... like they hold in their farts..... it is annoying and mean.

    And I will hang in there because I am too much of a wuss to actually kill myself...
     
  11. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I also have not had friends for a long time, also have no purpose in life and don't see thing changing, I know that only I can make things better but its so fucking hard....damn it all.
     
  12. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    HEY,
    Love, Friends, sex, hugs...I think it is overrated. Friends come and go....give yourself time. A true pal is priceless! My good friend in college had an uncle that was 50 and never married. He traveled and met others and had fun!!
    I did not marry until I was 36. Many people only date few people.
    YOU REALLY DO NOT HAVE IT BAD YET. I was married 6.5 years and just now realize he lied to me so many times about so many things. Will I trust again? Will I love again? Do I want to keep living? It is on the downside now!
    (maybe the answer will be better later.) Whenever I made good friends or met boyfriends I was feeling good about ME! Don't expect things to turn right side up when you are in the vortex of depression. Make your resolve to fight it. Don't youu want to live for that incredicle moment when you hold your heart out to a loved one? As they say in sports, "You gotta beeelieeve!"
    Hope this is not too harsh. I can relate, but it pains me for your pain.
    TLA
     
  13. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Only I? Well maybe you.... but not me.... not all of us have that power.

    Thanks... now I have nothing left to live for. Because I am too much of a wuss to be passionate. Well I guess since I am a shitty pessimist I will never have any friends or lovers... so thanks for helping me realize that I should just get things over with now. And no I don't want to suffer for decades for one short instance followed by more decades of suffering because it is pointless.

    But on a side note, I have noticed that everyone who says that those things are overrated. Have experienced them during their life. Imagine a life where you have never know anything but sadness depression loneliness and misery. I say IMAGINE because that is all you can do.... but experiences and life is overrated anyway why else would I want to die?
     
  14. Manically Depressed

    Manically Depressed Active Member

    People are selfish beings. This is true. Im selfish and I know it. But I do enjoy giving advice and helping others with their problems when I can. And everything in the world is not overrated. If somebody tells you that Love is overrated then they are just taking it for granted! Love is amazing and worth living for! Even if you feel there is no point in your life! I know because I feel my life is pointless. But trust me,when you find the right person you will see that Love can cure all your problems!
     
  15. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    When? You mean IF right? Because not everyone is so lucky to be wanted by someone.
     
  16. Manically Depressed

    Manically Depressed Active Member

    There is someone for everyone. No matter what I say you're trying to find something to argue and dispute about. Im just trying to help. You dont know that you will never be loved by anyone. None of us know what will or will not happen. Anything is possible.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 1, 2006
  17. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Nope none of us ever do know if we will be... but judging by my personality and the way I spend my days I have a good idea...
     
  18. Valis16

    Valis16 Guest

    i can't agree with that. if you're ugly and/or don't talk to anyone EVER and/or have no social life...how will that person find you, assuming there is someone who could love you.
     
  19. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Thats the thing, in order for us to make friends and such, we have to make the effort and want to do it, they aren't gonna come out of the sky and plop into our laps.
    I clearly know it but still I just can't. I know its stupid for me to complain when I don't even make an effort but I just feel that it'll be in vain anyways. Ack. :dry:
     
  20. dark_thought

    dark_thought Guest

    Bullshit.

    We live in a society where looks are EVERYTHING. If someone doesn't like the look of you, that's it. Everyday, be I walking down the street, eating in a restaurant or visiting the library, I'm on the outside looking in, surrounded by people who might as well be a million miles away. I just cannot talk to people. I'm so wrapped up in myself and my darkness. It never even occurs to me anymore that I could ever talk to someone; it's like they're all statues.
     
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