When I look back on my life I see that I have never had any friends, IRL that is... I have had people I have known for 10 even 15 years. But there is a difference in knowing someone and being freinds. I have not had one person I could consider a friend. A friend is someone you love and trust, someone you know is someone you know. That is all... there is nothing really to it. In my real life life I have only known people never had any friends. This is why I feel the need to kill myself. Because in 21 years of existence I have never even had ONE friend. There is no hope for me EVER... When I lie around thinking about all of this I just want to die really. Mainly because I don't have anyone around me. No one is here only people I know no friends. No nothing I try to distract myself day in and day out... but my distractions are not infinite mainly because my distractions only happen between real life. All I want to do these days is kill me. I envy the beings in my distractions. I think, man if only I could have had a fantasy life like that. If only I mattered enough I could be happy or have purpose. I have no purpose other than to consume. I am Asexual which means that I lack sexual attraction or a sexual desire. This means that I lack the will and desire to continue on the speices. With this lack of hardwired passion I have noticed that all passion in my life is not there either. All passion in my life is erased. I feel no point in doing anything because what is the point when I will just die anyway. I can barely bring myself to scrape along as mediocre in life. What is the fucking point I ask? I am just wasting space and there has never been anyone around to make a sincere effort to show me otherwise. No one ever has, I have barely ever been praised for anything I do. Even as a small child I was praised minimumally just to ingrane a general idea of something into my head. People have shown me day in and day out that I am not worth the time or space. I figure this to be true on some simple logic. I have encountered SEVERAL Hundred people in my lifetime. And yet not a one has EVER shown an interest in me as a human being. The only time when interest is shown is when a task needs to be completed, or that individual needs me to do something for them. Otherwise I am just another face in the vast sea. I have only been seen as worth while in text.... but that is fading everywhere I go and everyday I live, here being the PRIME example. I am tired of waiting I held that optimistic view that something would come along and change my life for 18 years before I gave up. That whole "Something will happen" is just a load of shit really. I mean seriously to never have experienced this once in my life. There is no way that it exists for us all. It exists for those that nature has deemed the strong not me though. 21 years 21 FUCKING YEARS... and I have never even seen a glimer of hope not once not ever so I ask what do I have to fucking wait so long? I have never experienced what some might call love or passion I have never had a true friend I don't even know where how to trust people. I can't even remember how a fucking hug feels. No one has ever shown an interest in me. They all just tolerate me and once I am gone they forget me. Nothing has happened thus far and nothing will happen ever. I can see my future day in and day out will be the same I will lie around the net typing about my depression and loneliness and lack of experience in the world until the day I die. So I wonder why not die soon? I serisoulsy don't understand why I am here? I mean I want to die I want to die so very badly. But I plot, I am waiting for the best time to do it. That time is rolling over soon VERY soon. So what point do I have to live for? The unknown tomarrow? Don't give me that crap tomarrow is only unknown if there have been twists in your life. The only twist in my life was when my grandpa died. That was it ONE twist and a sad one at that. Tomarrow holds wonders for the people who have had random things happen to them. For the people who are deemed worthy of existence. I live a very boring unworthy existence. Therefore it will be the same boring suffering existence til the day I die naturally. So Why not just kill myself when I graduate like I am planning on doing?