no friends, suicidality nears

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mortdesinos, Sep 14, 2008.

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  1. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I don't have any friends. Occasionally I'll meet someone who's so pessimistic that I know that they won't just judge me negatively, but the world as a whole. In that case, I end up feeling comfortable talking to them and in some cases hanging out. But I don't want friends like that, friends who aren't interested in anyone else's well being. A couple of months ago, I met a friendly, popular girl who I ended up traveling home from class with. I thought she was playing with my mind- I completely misinterpreted a situation and went off on her. I was starting to get manic at the time, and I didn't see things the way they were. But while that's otherwise not the case, something always goes wrong, and I don't know what it is. I have made friendships with a few shy girls which have been extremely short lasting. Everything seems to be going fine, and then after a while I get ignored when I call them. I have a learning disability and I can say for sure I have an avoidant personality (AvPD) which may cause me to have restricted social skills, as is generally the case. People who have central auditory processing difficulties take certain things that people say too literally, and at times I don't interpret things the same way as others do. But whatever the reasons, I simply have not been able to connect with people lately. If I'm chatting online, my personality shines through, but in person I mostly go unnoticed. This needs to change. But I don't know how.

    This post contains sensitive matters. I'm fortunate to be able to share it here, with a caring community, knowing that I won't be joked at.
  2. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    i understand how you feel. honestly, the only long lasting friendships ive ever had were online. even then i have to be careful not to alianate them or bench them when i go through stages of introversion.

    just cuz its over the internet doesnt make it any less a real connection. i know face to face connection is best, but it doesnt make this a bad thing. i think its at least a fine place to hone social skills and work on trust issues with others. a safer venue to try out the things that you might feel too uncomfortable doing in a face to face relationship.
  3. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I wrote this yesterday, but I'm doing so much better today. It's funny, yesterday I was thinking it was about time for me to leave this world, but today I am rejuvenated. If I were to die, I'd be cluttered with emptyness. Nobody would understand, and there'd be a gaping hole where I should be.

    If communication is all the same, then why am I able to make longer term friendships here than in person, at least up until now? I think I have ended up subconsciously pushing people away from me. But don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'd get along great with a lot of people here.

    Thank you for your support.. all of you know who you are.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I can't say when the last time I had a friend outside of the forum was. With me isolating for the last 15 years, I discovered I don't need any friends. I mean why would I want any, I will commit sometime in the future and I don't need any one hanging on to me. Just let me go!!
    The friends I have made here are all I need. My therapist told me if that is what makes me comfortable then it is o.k. to isolate. Keep posting I am usually on line for a couple of hours at a time.Day and Night. I don't sleep much so I get up and get on line. Take Care!!!:chopper:!!!
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