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No future, dont want to see how this ends

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by blugurrl, Oct 17, 2018.

  1. blugurrl

    blugurrl Member

    My mom died about two years ago and I have had struggles every day to be without her. I’ve been depressed all my life and it is turned out to be heartbreaking as well. I have never gotten married or had kids, my career has never taken off and it has always been a struggle to make ends meet. I am constantly at odds with myself and my body. I lost my best friend before my Mom. The only one I have left is my dog, and I will probably have to say goodbye to her this week what is tearing me apart because she’s the only joy my life I have nothing to be here for except pain. I have no desire to get older I am already 50 and it sucks My body is changing In not a good way and I hardly recognize myself anymore. To add injury to insult my health insurance has been raised to 750 a month/9000 year for the crappy plan which I can’t afford, how am I my supposed to afford to grow old. The little money 48k/28k take home, just got laid off too. I make puts me over the threshold for subsidies And will sink me. The new tax laws have screwed me, and i cant do deductions anymore. On top of it all i am being audited by IRS, and my unreimbursed business expenses are being denied per Trump rules. so i will owe $$$. Praying they dont go after other years. Constant panic and anxiety.
    Recap- dog dying, mom dead, bf dead, laid off, Irs audit, cant afford health care, menopause, unemployed over 50. so much more

    I dont want to be here anymore. I havent for a long time. Stayed because of Mom, dog saved me, she is dying. I want to go when she goes. I dont want to be left here. I dont want to get older, i miss my Mom. I cant afford to live. Irs taking what little savings i have. I hate this place. I see no future. I cant do this anymore. I am done. Over trying so hard to live for damage control. In too much pain, will be worse when dog is gone. Do not tell me to get another dog, one does not replace the other.
    Called suicide hotline they suck, no compassion,
    I hate this place.
     
  2. Nurvivon

    Nurvivon New Member

    I’m sorry that you feel this way. I guess I’m a young cynic because I get so mad at the world for what it does to people. I’m probably just afraid of being old, lonely, and just tired of be tired. I don’t know my purpose but I want you to know that I think about what you and people similar to you go through. I hope and pray you can find peace in your old age as I hope I can one day. Thank you for sharing.
     
  3. Stacey7

    Stacey7 New Member

    Hey Blugurrl... I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Life is a pretty hard experience. But I hope you will be able to see and find happiness in small moments. All those horrible things made you stronger person even if you don't feel it. And you should be proud of yourself for getting this far. Loosing a mom is hard, I am one of those children that have this very intense and close relationship with my mom and I can not imagine what you had to went throught. But there is a reason you are still here and should not give up. Loosing you bestfriend is very hard. I have lost my bestfriend 3 years ago, he was a Shih Tzu named Charlie and it was awfull. But I have read many articles about it and some say it is easier for a dog to pass on if he/she sees that a human/owner has another dog to take care of him. So maybe it would help. And I think you are a very brave person and should be proud of yourself.
     
  4. You would not believe how many people including myself have a similar life situation. We all think its just us everyone else lives a happy good life. Not true. I lost my mom a few months ago. I watched her deteriorate due to illness. I feel guilty as well because I live close by her but could not bring myself to visit every week as I could not bare to see her look worse and worse each time. My syblings who live out of state gave me so much grief about it as they saw her every few months. So I was the last one to see and talk to my mom before she passed a few hrs later. My syblings and stepfather flew her remains back to our home to spread her ashes. I didn't know anything about it until I saw a post from my sisters of a selfie of them waiting to board a flight to London. I wasn't invited. To ad to that my job sucks I work with so many Aholes. I had medical issues that make me sick all the time cost me so much money in bills I had to file bankruptcy And at same time I was being levied by the IRS for some back taxes and paycheck garnished from debt collector for medical bills. Then I fell behind on bills because of this, it started to hurt my family and I could see pain and resentment in my wife's face. . I attempted to kill myself but did not succeed because of GOD I believe. I to church and I pray and try to be a good person. Seemed like everything I did to fix my situation would fail. I really believed GOD let me down. He was watching me go down and not helping when I was crying and begging for help. So i decided thats it, im going to do it my life sucks im bringing everyone down and they would be better off I thought with me gone. I drove to a empty parking lot at a closed business building near my house. <mod edit - method> and I was crying a little because I would miss my wife and kids and dogs. So I was like this is it, I said aloud GOD im going to do it please for give me I dont want to go to hell. Please intervene now or Im coming . I need you to intervene for me now PLEASE! I waited about 30 seconds then said screw it he dont care. <mod edit - method details>At that very second my cell phone was going crazy with texts and calls from friends and my wife asking to stop and talk to them. Before I knew it somehow my family and some friends drove up on me and found me. After talking with them and then promising to get some help. I went to seek help expecting nothing but the usual dont do it blah blah blah BS you think your going to get if you seek help. I was wrong!!!! I got lots of help and support and counseling. my IRS problem and garnishment problem have stopped and being resolved Ive caught up on sp many past bills. my family is supportive and we are closer i think now then we ever been. I cant fix missing my moms service in England cant take that back or do over, But ill get over it. I wish I never attempted suicide and glad I failed, I wont get a second chance. So I tried to fix a temp problem with a permanent solution. Dumb Dumb Dumb idea in hindsight. As for GOD abandoning me. I was wrong. <mod edit - method details> I dont want to test that theory. When itold my wife the whole thing she said God never abandoned you he intervened and now things are getting better. She said it was Satan attacking me. Making everything in my life so miserable id do the worse thing and kill myself and abandon god all of which I did. Anyway I feel so different now especially knowing besides help that so many people are in the same situation, But we all think its just us. Its not. Hope you can find help for this temporary situation in your life and feel better.
    Charlie
    +
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2018
    MarvelFan and Were all together like this.
  5. Were all together

    Were all together Well-Known Member

    Amazing, how things work out!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2018
  6. This place has done way more for me than the Suicide Hotline did. I called them a few years back and when the girl realized I wasn't in the midst of trying to kill myself and was just having thoughts she was quick to get me off the phone. At least her people talk to you and it feels real.
     
  7. MarvelFan

    MarvelFan Vanity of Vanities

    I will give alot of people this there are evil forces at work in this world whether we believe in them or not, that don't want us to succeed, that do more to us when we are trying to stabilize our lives.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2018