no future

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by icculus19, May 13, 2013.

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  1. icculus19

    icculus19 New Member

    I've felt this way for a long time. I have done some things in my past that are and will affect the rest of my life. I don't blame anyone and I have always taken responcibility for my actions. I just do not see a future for myself. Because I was convicted of a felony (non violent) 7 years ago I have lost out on great job opportunities. I have been out of work for 18 months and have almost run through all of my savings. I'm just tired waking up everyday knowing that nothing I do is goining to change anything. I go to sleep every night hoping not to wake up. I continually ponder suicide but most days I find a reason to keep on living. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too weak or strong to end it.

    I am in a bad place. I feel lost and worse I feel hopeless. I feel beaten down and like the life has been sucked out of me. I used to be a fighter and gain strength when life would try to beat me. Now, I just want to quit I don't want to fight anymore.

    I need hope, a kick in the ass, something. I'm not sure if anyone else has felt like this but I could really use some help.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi icculus im sorry life has been so hard Do you have anyone you could work with to help get you a job any job just to get you by Not every place has to know you have a record
    Keep fighting ok you keep trying hun we all make mistakes no one can judge hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are feeling this there career counseling that can help you get on a job path? That way they will assist with placement...also, have you considered counseling so that you can find a way to forgive yourself and move on? I know it is very difficult with any type of record, but it is doable, so please keep trying
  4. lufluf

    lufluf Member

    Hey icculus19, I know what is like to have things in the past that will haunt you forever. I don't have a felony but rather I lost someone very close to me and it was my fault. I live with it everyday, and I have been unemployed for 3 years. I also don't see a future in my future. For me going to sleep is the easy part and waking up is hardest for me, knowing that I have to get through 1h to the next hour. I am not ready to go into much details on what happened as I myself am not well but I can somewhat relate to what you are going through on some level.

    I hope you can find something, anything that can bring you up again and fight once more. Don't give in and fight, surely something will budge.
  5. Seriapatrate

    Seriapatrate Member

    I believe that I know exactly how you feel and what situation you find yourself in. You can read my story here:

    I've been convicted of four felonies which resulted in two separate imprisonments. I am now facing another felony which will surely send me back to prison for a much longer term this time. All of these convictions are drug and alcohol related. I continued to drink even after my imprisonments and the primary reason is because I had no stability in my life due to the fact that I found myself virtually unemployable after my first trip to the pen. I actually had several job offers, a couple of them with prestigious hotels and restaurants in town (I've worked hospitality most of my life) and those offers were rescinded after my record came back.

    Now I find myself facing another long prison sentence. I will turn 35 in July. I suspect that I will be well past 40 by the time I get out this time. Most of my relatives are already dead and the ones still living are elderly and I expect them to have passed on by the time I would be released on this trip. Thus, not only would I find myself unable to work due to my record and, at that point, my age as well, but I will have no social/familial support either since everybody will be gone. It is truly a distressing situation and like you, I wake up every morning to this nightmare scenario and actually feel physically ill. It is on my mind constantly and does not relent and that only aggrevates my diseased brain.

    I'm not a stupid person. I am educated and a part of me knows that these thoughts "should be" irrational. Yet, more and more, I am finding ways to rationalize my own demise and that is what is really disturbing since my suicidal ideation, which has been present since adolescence, has never gone this far before. I used to just think about it and use it as sort of a perverted coping mechanism, that is, I always felt it was an option though one that I would never have to exercise. That has changed since this latest charge. It is now something that has moved beyond thinking about and into actually planning out. I don't really have anyone to talk with about these feeling so it leaves me quite isolated and I am alone almost all the time literally.

    Some days, like today, it is truly overwhelming and I can't really verbalize just how it makes me feel. It's an empty, lonely sensation to be sure and has actually resulted in physical symptoms. Tightness in my chest. Almost zero appetite. Insomnia. Exhaustion. It's frightening and I just have to accept that it is going to be. There is a natural fear at this stage. I've never died before. I wonder what it will be like. I take some comfort in knowing that many others have preceded me, including many people that I loved. Still, it doesn't make it all that much easier. I know exactly what you hint at when you talk about too weak or too strong to complete it.

    I still have some time before my case goes to trial. I just take things day by day at this point, even hour by hour. I wish I had a magic wand and could make it all just go away. The fact that I don't and can't is what makes waking up every morning so difficult. It is the hardest part of the day for me. If you want to PM me, feel free.
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