No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sadeyes, May 31, 2012.

  1. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think it is human nature, to remember more vividly when we have tried to act kindly, and have been deficited because of try to forgive others for these actions, we first must recognize how we feel...then we can move forward...that is why I am starting this thread...there have been several occassions where I felt I was kicked in the teeth after going a great distance to help someone

    Here is one of the main events I am trying to resolve:

    Two years ago, around this time, my best friend's brother was being released from jail. There was no where for him to live for many reasons, the most pressing one being, my best friend (who has since died) had significant health issues...we could not tie X to a tree and let him live there, so I agreed to have him live with me...I paid for everything, bought him a bicycle, a tennis racket, paid all his expenses (my choice as I could not take money from my friend who was on a fixed income and never felt comfortable asking his family...clearly my own issues!)...on several occassions, I was unkind in what I said, however, seemingly correct in being annoyed...the context to my lack of patience was that I was experiencing the start of a degenerative illness which I did not know at the time...also everything I said was already said by all of his family...I also was stupid to confide in my evil house guest and he proceeded to immediately tell my friend which started quite a add to this, my friend's other friend lied about what I gave her when my friend was living with house guest caused such problems between my friend, his lover (who was also my supposedly a good friend), his family and I, that my friend died with some anger towards me, his family did not visit me while I was in the hospital for 3 months, and his lover, chose to no longer have any association with me at my friend's family's demand...I am trying to find a way to forgive my house guest from Hell and move on...I wish I could have done this already!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2012
  2. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    I've been kind and helpful all my life and have been kicked plenty in return. I'm at the point where I just isolate. I've been kicked one too many times. I've said my amends to people, to those who have used and abused me. I guess that's a form of forgiveness. At least it freed me up to walk away from them with no guilt or regrets. I've changed. They haven't and never will.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Good suggestion Red, but how do we forgive the people who have acted this way without it becoming an incrimination of others? I am looking for a mid-ground where I am open to others who are kind and gracious and trying to resolve the issues that have hurt me...I find this so difficult
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I dont really have advice sadeyes for I'm struggling with forgivness in all parts of my life..
    I believe sometimes there are things that can't be forgiven....the pain is too great
    the next step I guess is to try to move on and forget these people who treated us badly
    and wait for Karma

    Im now doing same as red ribbons and isolating cos I can't take anymore 'kicks'
    I no longer trust people
    this is a saying I now love..

    'i'm a really nice person until you piss me off"

    It seems to be the 'nice people' who are hurt the most :hug:
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Maybe I'm just a selfish jerk, but personally I would never have let someone like that come to live with me. I know you were trying to be nice, but you are right, sometimes you do get punished for your good deeds. I do try to be nice to people to an extent, but I would never go so far as to open up my home to and confide in somebody that I didn't trust completely. I generally believe that human nature is flawed and that most people are untrustworthy. Usually those who are trustworthy end up being taken advantage of by those who aren't, because they assume that everybody is as trustworthy as they are, and that is not the case. You are right, you do have to eventually let go of your anger and forgive this person - if nothing else for the sake of your own sanity, but you don't ever have to forget, or allow yourself to become a victim like that ever again. You can still be kind to others, just know where to draw the line between being helpful and making yourself vulnerable. Extend a helping hand, but clench the other hand in a fist just in case.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I fully understand IV, and your last line Wolf is quite wise...however, I do not want anyone or their deeds to change me...I like this about me, but you are right, I now am going to try to predict the outcome before extending too much of a hand...I also think that people who grow up feeling worthless are prone to place themselves in these situations because they are looking to feel worthy by doing these acts...again, I have learned to be more selfish after some of these situations
  7. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    You don't have to let others walk all over you to be worthy, and you don't have to change who you are. Just take some precautions to protect yourself in the future. Your well being is more valuable than the well being of others - I know that may sound selfish, but keep in mind that you won't be able to help anyone if you fall apart. Sometimes being good to yourself is in fact a selfless act. I basically live by the philosophy that IV mentioned - I can be very friendly, even to a fault, but if somebody crosses me, they may very well end up wishing they had never met me.

    But don't worry, you don't have to be vengeful, selfish, or isolationist to keep from getting hurt. There are plenty of ways to help people without putting your own interests at risk. Give only what you can afford, share only what you can afford to lose.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    :hug: I know nothing I would even try to say would make sense as am too messed up currently. Perhaps I can try to respond correctly another day. But for now, sending hugs.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Lone, you sound like a wise-old (although I know you are not...I, on the other hand am old as dirt) sage...thanks so much for the advise..and Mo...just hearing from you makes me feel better...hope you too will do better!
  10. FrainBart

    FrainBart Staff Alumni

    Sometimes, as hard as we might, we cant forgive. when the cirumstances or the hurt it causes is to great. It may just require taking a step away and moving on, leaving it behind, not forgiven or forgotten. Forgiveness is something that someone earns, and it sounds like they havent earned it or deserved it.
  11. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I may have only been alive for 33 years, but keep in mind that I age in dog years. Every year I've spent on this planet has felt like 7! :biggrin: And I have the grey hairs to prove it.
  12. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    Sadeyes, I'm like you-I don't know how to have any relation with anyone who is kind and gracious at this point. I guess it's a matter of trust at this point. I'm afraid everybody has the capability to turn and use and abuse. That's why I'm isolating.

    The Lone Wolf, I started turning gray at 18! Shows what stress can do...BTW I really love the wolf!

    It's true. The people who used us and abused us do not deserve our respect, forgiveness and kindness. but it's the only way to get your own peace of mind knowing you did everything you could at the time, were helpless and did not have the skills or way to escape. Maybe forgiveness is not the right word but it's the only way to free yourself so you can move on. Maybe it's forgiving yourself and not them or seeing, because they too were abused, they pass it on. That's not making it alright. It is a way of letting go of the past. I would like to have my memory totally erased. Fortunately I have a lot of amnesia but not enough. Abusers are incapable of feeling remorse, compassion, feelings or guilt and somebody said on here it's the kind, caring, compassionate people that get screwed over. To offer a hand and keep the other one clenched is a great idea!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2012
  13. MisterBGone


    I could not agree more with what you said, Sadeyes.... Perhaps if I were given the chance to go back to the beginning of my adulthood, and was able to tell myself just one piece of advice, this would be it.. Just think, of all the damage I would have avoided...
  14. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I guess I should be thankful then. Too bad I didn't really get the chance to enjoy my youth while it lasted.

    I'm glad you like the avatar, though the credit goes to whoever posted the original photo online. Found it on a Google image search and cropped it down to avatar size. They are beautiful animals though, aren't they?
  15. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    Im gonna start this with no offense and a friendly hug. Bet u wont do that again in fact no more sticking your neck out time for others to give.
  16. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    The Lone Wolf, yes, they are beautiful animals. I had a husky that looked like a wolf. I was blessed. She may have been part wolf.

    I too look back at all the mistakes I've made in adulthood and wish I could go back, but I've learned it's just beating myself up and continuing the abuse to rehash everything:( Hugs to everybody! We all need them+love!