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No Help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Abzon, Apr 12, 2014.

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  1. Abzon

    Abzon Member

    i am tired of feeling like this i am a weak mentally and physically. just too much bs crap. with all I have had happen to me mentally emotionally and physically i just have no happiness, motivation, or real feeling of joy. I seem to suffer from emotional detachment with all of the people who say they love me as well as most of the things I used to enjoy.
    the pain i feel due to car accidents or NF is almost constant somewhere in my body, neck pain, hedaches, back spasms, finger and hand, back pain, knee pain that shoots down the back ofmy calf to my feet. pain in both achilies areas if i stand longer than 10 min and if I walk its a shorter time...
    the stress or anxiety I feell at times makes me want to clinch my teeth so hard I have several cracked teeth. Anxiety and mental confusion are a part of each day,at times to the point of wanting to burst into tears and just no desire to go on living not kill myself per say jus to die since after 50 years I know for sure that is the path GOD decided I should endure for whatever reason.
    I would never choose most of the things I have had happen and some of that stuff forever impacts me.
    I have tried the drugs(paxil) 60mg daily with xanax it changed me. I truly this has much to do with my disconnection with things emotionally I tried going off once and it almost killed me and did cause the loss of a great job of 14yrs. and all of my emotions went completely out of control crying to rage over unimportant matters .
    Now I work but it is difficult, do to all the time. I work for myself and tried to get another job it lasted 3 months before they released me because of my negative attitude due to my pain and mandatory overtime. Now it is obvious I won't ever be able find work that I am physically do, and at 50 interviews come go well but they almost always go with another younger candidate.
    I know that millions and millions suffer far greater but the thought of them while I do wish they did not suffer it does nothing to lessen mine or make it more bearable.

    my wife told me she is in love with my best friend tonight and wanted a divorce sat on my back yard porch with my oldest son pleading with me to let him havie but I refused but I did give it to aa neighbor weny home called the suicide hotline and was but on hold for about 3 times during a 8 min or so call and the most benificial thing she said is "you fell bterr bad tonight dont you?"
    <mod edit - methods>

    I really don't know what to say or do .....all I know for sure is I really messed it up this time. THE one person I trusted my heart to has broken it and its because of me. I have started to try to change but i fear that its too late the sadness is very difficult and I fear that I will unlikely be able to bear it for any real legnth of time.
    I think abut things all day what I could have done or did not do as once again I was blindsided just a clueless fool thinking that thoings were going ok but not finished .......
    I know that I need GOD now more than ever but I have failed by my lack of faith and thinkling of taking my life..but that right now seems like the only to stop the pain

    I TRULY BELIEVE I WOULD SOON BE FORGOTTEN ABOUT as most friends have and family have shown just how they feel about me,,,,, again I would not be misseed by many......
    I look into her eyes and I see she is gone and I have nothing to offer to win her back...
    she has seen it all heard it all and had enough of the miserable human I let myself become.....
    I am not sure even why she came back to me ...
    and just tonight I find that she still has been contacting him .......
    why didnt i see
    why wont you let him go
    why wont you see whats right

    am I that bad ...

    I NEED TO HEAL TO BE WHAT GOD MADE me to be if I could ever be of any use to anyone yes in His infinite wisdom He has decided that I HAVE YET to enough so he keeps allowing it to pile on

    Well its over she left to her moms and will file next week once again a divorce the last one 22 yrs nearly killed me I a extremly sad now as this one was 14yrs and once I get to feell pain
    I just also broke my foot I own my own company cant take time off to heal and need surgery and Six weeks of recovery but thanks to our graciuos government I cant afford insurance and paid my first fine already WAY to go BO

    And to think I thought having a drunk who beat me for a dad who died when I was 7 I got to have a step dad that moledsted RAPED me and my siblings 4 other men who attempted, one a "the-rapest".... should have been enough ?
    I am on 60mg paxil and xanax and alcohol now seems to atleast tone down some of the desire do kill myself but <mod edit 0 mthods>
    It can get better but only if I am not breathing nothing else has worked


    home she is REALLY gone pictures everything i am over whelmed first time in my life I will be forever alone. the more i sit here and go through the memories goood and bad I do indeed want to Die
    given the current status of relationship with all 5 grandchildren
    2 too far away
    3 whos parents wont let me see them
    i know there has to be atleast one person somewhere when I die feel a shadow cross their heart
    and to know I and the not being able to cope was the problem I find it ironic it too will cause my death and the love of my life will not TRULY care
    My ex wife will shed more tears then her I know this by the reaction to her hearing of my divorce life for some of is a big joke i quess
    I gave it all i could what heart i had left i trusted to her with the greatest of reluctance I never yelled at or hit her treated her very good just ask shell tell you but she just bear my deep depression negativity and anger(usually political rants) after 7 yrs it took its tool I GET it but to tell me this past Dec 24 2013
    She came back but was never here

    some how I was rejected lastime i signed up The moderator may have saved me as he promised he cared and I got in tonight
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 12, 2014
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN


    It was me who replied to your email, and I've just activated your account and approved your post. Even though I don't have the answers to your situation, I do care and am here if you feel like talking. :hug:
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the many things that have piled up on you. I have no more answers for you than you have for yourself. I can tell you that I am far too familiar with chronic pain and failing health myself, in the same age range so do understand how difficult that can be. Have you discussed your mental health with your Dr as well? Physical health , chronic pain , and mental health are often hopelessly intertwined together so they all must be worked on together to get relief. With the pain and health issues anger is a common result - prhaps your Dr can give you some guidance on working on the depression and anger to go with whatever physical medical treatment program he has you on. If the insurance issue makes that impossible then try calling your county mental health services where they will often provide free or sliding scale services. It is typical to have await for appts, but the sooner you get on the list the sooner it gets to your appt.

    While divorce is painful, if it was no longer a satisfying relationship for you then maybe it will actually reduce some stress in th elong run. Alone is hard, but it does give you the opportunity to concentrate on what you need to make you better.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  4. Eveningstar

    Eveningstar Member

    Abzon, I understand your pain. I truly empathize. I am so happy you found this place. The people here are great. Keep posting. There are those here who care.
  5. Abzon

    Abzon Member

    Wow what a rollercoaster of emotion I have decided to try to right this ship called my life. Just in the last few days ......daydreams about the future if you want to call it give some hope but still the darkness creeps in? What could I possibly have done for her to just walk away not wanting anything? I went to the doctor and he upped my Paxil to 80mg and Xanax also seem to help a bit but then the flood of memories in a home I bought for her ......I can't live here ........but where do I go and I may need to spend the next year here when its all said and done . I have the support of ALL our kids and grandchildren but the grief even eats away at that at times. Wow today was an experience I actually had my former best friend ask if he could steal my wife and still be friends? WTF everyone in this world is whacked in the head ? my dog wno't leave my side I know she misses her too and she has saved me already Today is day 258 plenty of time to give my best one more time but if things are no better or worse then 3,2,1, .......
  6. Abzon

    Abzon Member

    Had a fair last few days lots of family around also got some motivation to live my soon to be ex wife is still the beneficiary on my life Ins. and I'll be dammed if I leave her a nickle. Changing to my six grandchildren. 256
  7. Abzon

    Abzon Member

    Today the pain is almost unbearable I do want die and the day my divorce is final I will take my own life I figure sometime around Christmas poetic justice since thats the day she told me and ended my emotional existance ........oh yeah she gets nothing that day except a invite to two funerals his and mine 232
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Abzon, I am very sorry indeed to hear about your circumstances, but pleased to read on 18/4 that you have "decided to try to right this ship called my life". I have the details of a wonderful pastoral counsellor who has people contacting him by phone/Skype from all around the world - he was able to right my life which was a complete mess - if you truly do want God's available power to work in your life, he will be positively able to help you - I cannot give details publicly only by PM, if you PM me. I promise you will not be disappointed :)
  9. Abzon

    Abzon Member

    Thank you ...did i mention my son is divorcing as well and he has been here for support but we are toxic downer wise. and we are nut really friends sadly a lot of bad blood is there . I hope yet know that she will never return the strange thing is I can walk right up to this man my former best friend heck best man at our fn wedding at church and give him a hug and truly pray that he would heal from the pain of his recently deceased wife he HATED told her to f off she died hrs later.
    My wife left a week later ultimately to his side ? only time will tell but she will be denied her prize I am sure of it if waits for our divorce to be final just to look good .....WTF not on my watch
  10. Abzon

    Abzon Member

    I am almost to the point of turning away from God if that can even be done guess Ill find out .....my son just left said I needed Fn help and I am going to kill someone if I dont get it .....well atleast he left
  11. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    It's easy to turn away from God, you just decide that is what you want to do and do it.......

    I am sorry there are difficulties with your son as well. I do pray that you won't decide upon anything with a negative feel to it Abzon :)
  12. girlgonebad

    girlgonebad Member

    please hold on im so sorry you are going through all this to live is to live in a world of injustice but karma will come back and you will see what you are truly made of
  13. Abzon

    Abzon Member

    I keep ending up back here. So much is going on I my heart rate is 108 resting and I feel anxious and I really don't care. I tried dating and I want to be so bad but I am just not ready .......but so tired and afraid to be alone with my brain by itself ........
    I started counseling last wed and will be going weekly for a while I really can not afford it but can't afford not to...hopefully he will be able to guide me through this mindfield ....he did tell me I am taking way too much Paxil. (80mg)..and have been on way too long (20 yrs) and feels I need to change meds .
  14. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Abzon, thank you for still being here and continuing to hold on. If I can encourage you from my own experience of being afraid of being alone with my own brain by itself - I feel I might be able to offer some help here, because of having been in the same space. The same psychological space - and have discovered that there is help available that may not readily be forthcoming by the clinical psychologists. When I was in the same space I went for counselling session, but its like I could never connect with the doctors and they certainly could not connect with me in order to find an appropriate 'label'.

    But that doesn't mean it's the end of the story, however. I'd like to send you a massive infusion of hope and strength through cyberspace :)
  15. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hi, I know how you feel when I started going to sessions I hated it, I guess you are facing that side of things we all hide from. Sometimes it takes a few false starts to find the right person to talk to, and god I know I ran from many. But I would urge you to stick to it, if you aren't comfortable with the counsellor see another, they are trained to understand this and it happens a lot.

    I would recommend you discuss your meds with the docs, as to be honest I know little about that one. I did find coming here to vent really helped me understand myself better, and help with the loneliness.

    If you need to vent please feel free to pm me, and please look after you.

    Take care

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