no hope for me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bipolarkitty, Dec 31, 2006.

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  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I don't know why I even bother hoping anymore.

    Around 12 hours ago I replied to a post about starting the New Year with a clean slate. I was so excited at the idea of starting anew.

    Now I'm back in this horrible depression again and I don't even want to face the new year. I HATE this!!

    I'm never going to be able to start anew. Not with the fucking bipolar always messing with my head. So what's the point? Why should I go on? I'm only 34. I cannot face the prospect of living another 40 or 50 years this way.

    The meds don't work. The therapy doesn't work. Nothing works.

    It's barely New Year's Eve. But I started drinking about an hour ago. I'm going to get so drunk. I deserve to not feel this crap for a while. The part of me that's self-destructive is whispering in my ear to mix my pills with the alcohol. What scares me is that it's starting to sound like a very good idea.

    I honestly can't say what I'll do. I don't want to die, but I can't continue like this.

    If these feelings don't subside, it's not a question of whether I'll act or not. It's only a question of when. And of what form it will take.
  2. raw

    raw Senior Member & Antiquities Friend


    Sorry you're having such a hard time. I am also bipolar amoungst other things and have some understanding what you are going through. It is a very tough disorder to live with. As you know bipolar disorder is pretty much a life-long disorder, however, things can and usually do improve. As disruptive as bipolar disorder is, it is one of the most successfully treated disorders. I am sorry your medications aren't working for you. Maybe new medications would help. I have been on different medications over time and sometimes it takes awhile to find meds that work. Medications have helped me some, but that is not the most successful treatment. Over time I have learned how to manage my bipolar much better. It takes awhile and can be very frustrating. I am managing much better than I used to and can live well with it. I am telling you about my own situation only to tell you that things do get better over time.

    I absolutely hate New Years and it can be the worst time possible to reflect on the state of your life. If you feel the same about the holiday as I do, the holiday itself causes depression. At least it does for me. Things may look a little better once the holiday is behind you.

    I feel for you and the problems bipolar causes. I am not saying you will most likely overcome the bipolar just to make you feel better. It really is true.

    I wish you the best and feel free to pm me if you wish.

    Take care

  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hey there Ari guess what?just like me I thought at midnight I may be able to start thing's a fresh,but who was I kidding?Oh yes after midnight it was the usual try and be more patient ladida etc but the old symptom's of Bi-Polar kept coming back of course and I was in danger again.So really what can you do?I don't have any answer's I think well it may be hope but who knows like you Ari I don't want to live another 30,40 or 50 years like this well let alone even another year.:sad:
  4. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    whoa. 'im drunk. i deserve it. it feels funny to type when you'rr drunk. i started drinking about 3 hours ago and was fun for a while, bu tnow i'm starting to get readllly sad. i don t know what i'm doing anymore. i don't know why i bother. it's only 11:15 pm and i stil have a ways to go before new years. i'm gonna keep on drinking and see what happens. i'm just waiting for my husband to go to sleep. then the reall fun begins. the drunk part is startting to waer off. i'm gonna drink a WHOLE LOT more and see what hpappens. i've already had a lot a whole lot to drink. i don't usually drink. it's weird to feel this way. i want ot start crying. but i'm not gonna. i'm jstu gonna get another drink. lol i can't feel my fingers. funny to type when you can't feel your fingerss. happy fucking new year.
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Happy new year to you to Kitty Mwah:smile: ,I had a bit to drink last night although I'm never violent when I drink my mood's still fluctuate so i suffer pretty much in usual I was ok then sad and the pattern continued as alway's you know the rollercoaster of course.
  6. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    i'm not gonna get violent. at least not to anyoen else. i either laugh a lot or get really reall y sad whn i drink.

    i'm gonna go to bed before i act on some really bad bad bad desires.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 1, 2007
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    That sounds right, Happy fuckin New years. BBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLaaaaaaaahh
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