I don't know why I even bother hoping anymore. Around 12 hours ago I replied to a post about starting the New Year with a clean slate. I was so excited at the idea of starting anew. Now I'm back in this horrible depression again and I don't even want to face the new year. I HATE this!! I'm never going to be able to start anew. Not with the fucking bipolar always messing with my head. So what's the point? Why should I go on? I'm only 34. I cannot face the prospect of living another 40 or 50 years this way. The meds don't work. The therapy doesn't work. Nothing works. It's barely New Year's Eve. But I started drinking about an hour ago. I'm going to get so drunk. I deserve to not feel this crap for a while. The part of me that's self-destructive is whispering in my ear to mix my pills with the alcohol. What scares me is that it's starting to sound like a very good idea. I honestly can't say what I'll do. I don't want to die, but I can't continue like this. If these feelings don't subside, it's not a question of whether I'll act or not. It's only a question of when. And of what form it will take.