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No hope for the future

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jroday83, Jun 23, 2012.

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  1. jroday83

    jroday83 New Member

    I've been dealing with major depression and a paraphilia for over half my life and I'm beginning to lose the motivation to keep going. As far back as I can remember (about the age of 6) I've never been happy or felt any sort of love or empathy for others. I don't feel much emotion other then anxiety when dealing with stressful social situations and the occasional touch of rage at the idiots running our country in to the ground. I have a few people who consider themselves my friend, and I fake reciprocity, but in reality I'm just using them to drive me to the places I want to go or use our outings as an excuse to score money from my parents for video games or other tech. If I wasn't fulfilling these needs I would have no interest in ever being around other people. I've tried dating, but no matter how nice the girl is or how much she is in to me, I feel nothing which only makes me feel worse about myself so I've stopped dating altogether.

    I have no one I care about, no creative/financial ambition, nor the desire to ever have kids. I have a feeling that due to either my depression or my paraphilia my life is only going to end badly, either in jail from my paraphilia or shot dead by cops when I get so depressed I lose touch with reality and lash out. I've managed to keep both things from happening so far, but everyday my strength reserve dips a little bit more and I'm worried it won't be long before I can't hold out. I think the best thing for me to do is to kill myself far away and quietly so that my mom doesn't have to deal with the mess or the shame that would be brought down on her if my life ended one of the more extreme ways.

    I've always set short term markers for myself, and tried to live til they happened, distracting myself from the everyday grind with whatever games, books, or movies I can get my hands on while hoping something, anything would change inside me in the mean time. "I can't kill myself yet, Avengers comes out soon." Now its "I can't kill myself yet, Dark Knight Rises opens soon." Extremely sad way to go through life, but at least it was working. Now even the the things I could rely on to distract on the worst days aren't working and I can barely convince myself to get out of bed. What time I don't spend asleep is spent coming up with the best possible way to end it, either from a pain/mess stand point or from a 'might as well martyr myself for a cause' stand point.

    I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I guess I just can't talk to anyone else and was hoping getting it out anonymously might take the edge off a bit, but so far just typing it out hasn't helped. I guess we'll see.
  2. Rainfall

    Rainfall Well-Known Member

    You may think yourself to be an empty shell, but this sort of detachment is increasingly more common in everyday life. The fact is you must feel enjoyment of some kind, for instance you said you get video games, which means you enjoy them.

    The most likely key factor in your sense of emotional isolation is the modern world. If you can, just go out into nature, look at the world without human touch, see how lucky we are to even exist in a world like this. That's what I did, and it allowed me to feel again. Now I have an amazing gf, and I'm beginning to love life again.
  3. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    If you set parameters in your life like "I can't kill myself until after so-and-so movie comes out" means you do find enjoyment in some things in life. This alone should give you hope. There is something out there for you. It just hasn't come yet. You sound like you're younger so you have lots of time. Hang in there. You lack motivation but the motivation will come. Maybe it won't be for a month or maybe a year but keep the notion alive that there is stuff that gives you pleasure and hang onto that. You sound like a pretty intelligent person. Feel free to email me anytime if you need to talk.
  4. jroday83

    jroday83 New Member

    Thanks for the words of support. I can't say I really enjoy video games or movies, they don't give me any kind of positive self-image or joy. I play/watch them because if they are good it lets me get out of my own head for a bit and "be" someone else for a while. I'm not sure thats particularly healthy and I fear it may lead to me being even more detached than I already am. And sometimes if the movie is too good and hits too close to home it can make it even worse. Today is a good case study. I went to see Moonrise Kingdom, which is excellent. But the entire time I was thinking how much I wish I could feel even a fraction of what the main characters of that movie feel for each other. Now I am sitting alone in the dark, practically paralyzed with depression and self-loathing. Not even my usual "emergency happy kit" of Avatar The Last Airbender DVDs and bacon jerky are making me feel better.

    I hope you are right about the motivation coming some day. As it is now I'm actually kinda hoping my dad gives me the 'get a job or get out!' ultimatum so I'll have an excuse to end it. Theres not really anything I want out of life, nothing that can be bought anway, so I don't see the point in spending a third of my waking hours surrounded by morons slaving away to earn money for some huge planet destroying multinational company. I know South Park touched on the whole "Thinking everything is crappy now is part of growing up" but I look around and see what our government has become, and I hear people raving about garbage like 50 Shades of Grey or watching Real Housewives of Wherever, and I can't help but hope the Mayans are right. Even if I could feel things like a normal person, I'm not sure I'd be any less depressed.

    Anyway, thanks for letting me rant again. Its kinda like spiritual masturbation. Posting on here doesn't abate the bad thoughts for very long, but it buys a good hour or two of clear-headedness, which is hopefully all I'll need to find sleep.
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