I've been dealing with major depression and a paraphilia for over half my life and I'm beginning to lose the motivation to keep going. As far back as I can remember (about the age of 6) I've never been happy or felt any sort of love or empathy for others. I don't feel much emotion other then anxiety when dealing with stressful social situations and the occasional touch of rage at the idiots running our country in to the ground. I have a few people who consider themselves my friend, and I fake reciprocity, but in reality I'm just using them to drive me to the places I want to go or use our outings as an excuse to score money from my parents for video games or other tech. If I wasn't fulfilling these needs I would have no interest in ever being around other people. I've tried dating, but no matter how nice the girl is or how much she is in to me, I feel nothing which only makes me feel worse about myself so I've stopped dating altogether. I have no one I care about, no creative/financial ambition, nor the desire to ever have kids. I have a feeling that due to either my depression or my paraphilia my life is only going to end badly, either in jail from my paraphilia or shot dead by cops when I get so depressed I lose touch with reality and lash out. I've managed to keep both things from happening so far, but everyday my strength reserve dips a little bit more and I'm worried it won't be long before I can't hold out. I think the best thing for me to do is to kill myself far away and quietly so that my mom doesn't have to deal with the mess or the shame that would be brought down on her if my life ended one of the more extreme ways. I've always set short term markers for myself, and tried to live til they happened, distracting myself from the everyday grind with whatever games, books, or movies I can get my hands on while hoping something, anything would change inside me in the mean time. "I can't kill myself yet, Avengers comes out soon." Now its "I can't kill myself yet, Dark Knight Rises opens soon." Extremely sad way to go through life, but at least it was working. Now even the the things I could rely on to distract on the worst days aren't working and I can barely convince myself to get out of bed. What time I don't spend asleep is spent coming up with the best possible way to end it, either from a pain/mess stand point or from a 'might as well martyr myself for a cause' stand point. I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. I guess I just can't talk to anyone else and was hoping getting it out anonymously might take the edge off a bit, but so far just typing it out hasn't helped. I guess we'll see.