I've been dealing with depression on and off for the last 15 years, and made many attempts on my life. I finally have someone in my life that I feel is worth living for, but all I seem to do is hurt her with how I am at the minute. About 2 months ago, my condition took a massive downturn and now I can't even go outside without having a full blown anxiety attack. My mind has gone to such a dark place that I have been afraid to tell my partner anything, but she pressed me to share with her, because she's been through similar things, but everytime I tell her things, it offends her or upsets her in some way. Last night, I confided in her that I feared she had had a fling with my best friend, whom she spends a lot of time with. I went as far as to tell her that I had even thought about how I would killl him for his betrayal. She told me that it was ok and assured me that nothing would ever happen. I know in my rational mind that there is nothing to worry about, but I can't turn off my fears and concerns, as it's all my brain seems to be able to produce at the minute. Then, this morning I was woken up by a text from her saying how much I had upset her by thinking she would be so callous as to throw away everything we have for a quick moment of passion. I feel terrible about what I have done, unintentional as it was, and all attempts I have made to explain myself have resulted in me upsetting her further. She is my only reason for living and I'm so afraid that she'll leave me, that I have written my letter to her and the only reason I'm alive to write this thread is that I don't have access to anything I could end it with. I need help, but I'm on the waiting list for my local mental health provider for at least another month and all I want to do is end it. I feel this way everyday, but it's so strong today, I don't know if I can hold on. I need someone to help me.