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No hope left

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lonelyplague, Oct 6, 2016.

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  1. lonelyplague

    lonelyplague New Member

    I've been dealing with depression on and off for the last 15 years, and made many attempts on my life. I finally have someone in my life that I feel is worth living for, but all I seem to do is hurt her with how I am at the minute. About 2 months ago, my condition took a massive downturn and now I can't even go outside without having a full blown anxiety attack. My mind has gone to such a dark place that I have been afraid to tell my partner anything, but she pressed me to share with her, because she's been through similar things, but everytime I tell her things, it offends her or upsets her in some way.

    Last night, I confided in her that I feared she had had a fling with my best friend, whom she spends a lot of time with. I went as far as to tell her that I had even thought about how I would killl him for his betrayal. She told me that it was ok and assured me that nothing would ever happen. I know in my rational mind that there is nothing to worry about, but I can't turn off my fears and concerns, as it's all my brain seems to be able to produce at the minute.

    Then, this morning I was woken up by a text from her saying how much I had upset her by thinking she would be so callous as to throw away everything we have for a quick moment of passion. I feel terrible about what I have done, unintentional as it was, and all attempts I have made to explain myself have resulted in me upsetting her further. She is my only reason for living and I'm so afraid that she'll leave me, that I have written my letter to her and the only reason I'm alive to write this thread is that I don't have access to anything I could end it with.

    I need help, but I'm on the waiting list for my local mental health provider for at least another month and all I want to do is end it. I feel this way everyday, but it's so strong today, I don't know if I can hold on. I need someone to help me.
  2. Lilith3372

    Lilith3372 Member

    I do understand your anxiety. The only reason I am alive is my bf. He is my whole life and my whole world. The only hope that this world can be worth living..
    The problem is ...I cant accept his past. He was together with his ex eight f.. years. In my rational mind there is also nothing to worry about..its the past.. and I am his present. BUT hatred and jealosy are so overwehlming in me.Its only one example....I am a very attractive girl, who has pretty much everything think..but i hate this world, people arround and the life.Perhaps our problems are not so superficial as we think. I swear sometimes I think I have a brain tumor that causes so my hatred out of nothing. I m going to look for mental health specialist for me...at least I would know whats wrong..
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Hi @lonelyplague

    I'm sorry you're feeling so badly, I really hope that you can get the help you need soon. May I offer my perspective? I know that you fear losing your girlfriend, and you seem worried she'll betray you. Has she ever shown a reason for you not to trust her? Telling her that you think she's cheating on you if she is otherwise trustworthy could be taken offensively. I'm not bashing you at all, just want you to see a different perspective since I've been on the other end of it. You are showing that you don't trust her. My bf has done that to me, and it was grounds for me to want to leave him because I've never shown him that I am untrustworthy and I take pride in my own values. I can't be with someone who won't trust me. I love my bf with all of my heart, but when he says things that imply lack of trust, it chips away at me and it makes me feel as bad as he feels. He's working on it, so I have faith in him that he will see me for the trustworthy woman I am. Everyone has insecurities, I do too, but maybe if you explained to her that you are really insecure, that it's not about her, but that you're working on your trust issues, do you think that will help things? But it's important for you to work on your trust in her, find ways to build your confidence and find that trust. Maybe just take a big leap of blind faith and trust. Decide that your relationship is worth conquering that fear? I'm glad that you posted here, I think you'll find a lot of support and comfort.
    JustCan'tQuit likes this.
  4. lonelyplague

    lonelyplague New Member

    I don't want to bring anyone down, but she came home and left me tonight... She was my only reason for living and my toxic mind drove her away
  5. Nicolai_Maggedo

    Nicolai_Maggedo New Member

    Don't feel bad, my girl hasn't stayed home in a week just takes me to or from work telling me she loves me and keeping our relationship public on Facebook but very very distant. I feel ya. I'm trying to hang in there, please do too. I understand your anxiety, my insecurities is what drove mine away.
  6. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hi @lonelyplague,

    I'm reading what happened, and I feel so sad that things have unfolded this way. It's clear that you were trying to share you thoughts with your girlfriend and maybe get reassurance and help--but they were alarming enough that they were beyond her capacity to handle.

    She hds no way of knowing, of course, which of your thoughts you might act on and which you might not. She decided to protect herself, which you may eventually be able to acknowledge was a wise decision.

    Whether you ever reconcile depends how you handle the situation now.

    You obviously have some big issues with trust. Maybe they come from traumatic experiences in the past, or maybe they are symptoms of your current illness or even of medications. (Some meds cause significant agitation and anxiety.)

    Right now, you have a pause in your life, a chance to work on this so that your relationships are healthy enough to survive.

    A book you might care to read--I hope I can recommend something on the forum--is Love Without Hurt by Dr. Stephen Stosny. It's a very insightful, compassionate, respectful book, and the techniques he suggests may be of help to you.

    Frances M likes this.
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