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No hope left.

#1
Just by being alive, I know that I'm not good enough. I just applied through UCAS for entry next year, and I already know it's going to be terrible, if I even live until then. I can't go there if, every time I don't understand something, I feel inadequate. I want to kill myself right now, but there's no way out. <mod edit - methods>

I know there's no point to my life if everything is a chore. I'll never be the person I want to be, and I can never be content with any accomplishment. All day, every day is wasted on my laptop and books. I'm not currently a student, and I'm getting through questions at an abysmal rate. Doing pre-interview assessment past papers make me realise how incompetent I am. I have tried everywhere to get help (Reddit, Physics Forum, YouTube), but, by the time my questions are answered, it'll be too late. My first interview could be this December. Then, I will show everyone how bad I am. I have never been proud, even when others have praised me in the past. I don't believe any of it. I have no reason to, not when it takes so long to understand anything. My A-Level results mean nothing to me, because I never had to sit exams.

My dreams are worthless delusions. At best, they're impractical, and, at worst, people tell me that I should be on a watch list. I got permanently banned from a subreddit for sharing my thoughts on rehabilitation. I have confirmed a volunteering role to work with offenders for next year, but I know that I can't accomplish anything in 6/7 months. I know that, no matter what I do, I can't change people or the world. It hurts me everyday to hear what is happening to the world and realise everything that could be considered important is outside of my control.

There are things I wish I could do, but I keep myself for even trying or practicing anymore. I haven't drawn in months, because I can't bring myself to get past the first lesson on DrawABox. I can't be bothered to learn music from the very beginning, because I haven't touched a keyboard in a decade. I know that, where I'm headed, I'll never be able to do anything but work. My productivity is so bad that my routine is either just work (of which I get hardly anything done) or no work (where I have no fun either). I can't bear to even watch TV shows I like or play games, because I know that I could never work on them. I have become so jealous, self-hating and lacking in self-worth that it makes me angry to do anything I once enjoyed. I'll never be an artist, a musician, a writer, anything.

I also realise that none of this matters. No matter what I do, or what I achieve, I'll die, and so will everything else. Nothing matters at all. The Universe is like a book that ends with it all being a dream. There's no point to it if you're not happy.

I know university is where I'll die. If my organs are of any use after I kill myself, they will be sent to the medical school nearest to my home. They already have the consent form to take my entire body, do whatever they want with it, and burn the remains to ashes. It will be the most useful thing I have ever done in my life. I have had medication and support for over 4 years. Nobody can take this pain away. No amount of talking or self-help can change this. They'd only care if I put myself in critical condition, then I'd get sent back home after recovering.

If you want more background on me, read the first post I made on this profile. It's late, and I can't be bothered to repeat myself. I have to rest, and I'm going to hate it when I wake up.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Nick

☆☆Still Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
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SF Supporter
#2
If I'm understanding correctly, the problem is that you cannot be who you want to be is that correct? Do you know what that looks like? Do you know what the person you want to be looks like?

I had to edit the methods out of your post, it's not allowed here. I just wanted you to know why it was edited.
 
#5
Art, music and writing are core parts of many shows, games, etc. I want to practice these skills, so I can make something that more people will appreciate someday. I just don't believe in myself or trust that I'll improve by any meaningful degree. I thought about writing a memoir, but I don't think it would be of interest to anyone. I mean, this post didn't accomplish anything, so why would a book? I'm nowhere near my goals, so I have no desire to continue.

I'm not one who takes comfort in knowing others are experiencing the same thing, so I can't write and relate to people who do. It just proves to me that the world is even worse than I thought. Mental health services are failing people every day.
 
#6
Sorry that you're going through this Tom.

It could be that with the right treatment, you could feel a lot better. Things that seem impossible now may simply fall into place.

There's more to treatment than just meds and therapy. The links in my signature can connect you to some information on treatment methods.

You have talent, perhaps more than you realize. You also have a desire to make a contribution to the world. I think you could make a valuable contribution, and also live a life you find worthwhile.

I hope something can help.
 
#7
Sorry that you're going through this Tom.

It could be that with the right treatment, you could feel a lot better. Things that seem impossible now may simply fall into place.

There's more to treatment than just meds and therapy. The links in my signature can connect you to some information on treatment methods.

You have talent, perhaps more than you realize. You also have a desire to make a contribution to the world. I think you could make a valuable contribution, and also live a life you find worthwhile.

I hope something can help.
Thank you for the kind words. I will try. I've been fighting for years. I know there are thousands online, fighting for their lives. I'm just so afraid of the future, and my self-worth doesn't seem to change, no matter what I do. I keep looking at the future, because I don't like the present, the 'here and now'. I can try to avoid things that upset me, but I know they're still there and happening.

I have looked at your first link. I do exercise, follow a healthy diet, take my medication, get enough sleep, etc. I may call the Access Team again (I've called them multiple times over the past year) or a COVID support line. I may try calling my GP. My hesitation just comes from doubting their usefulness.

My CBT video sessions have no approximate starting date, since there are 40 people ahead of me in the waiting list, after months of no counselling. I should get some rest, so I wake up before the afternoon.
 
#8
Thank you for the kind words
You're welcome!
I can try to avoid things that upset me, but I know they're still there and happening
Upsetting things will happen if you are alive or dead. The difference is that while you are alive, you can do something about them.

Accepting that there are bad things in the world is the armor that everyone who wants to make the world a better place has to wear. Maybe you can't help it if things get to you, but when things get to you, it doesn't do anyone any good.

follow a healthy diet
People have different ideas about what a healthy diet is. I found avoiding processed foods and anything served cold or raw helped a lot.

I hope you'll think about acupuncture or traditional Chinese herbal medicine if nothing else has helped. Posts 33 to 36 on this thread have some more information about acupuncture

https://www.suicideforum.com/commun...pidemic’-war-kills.166237/page-2#post-2093271

My CBT video sessions have no approximate starting date, since there are 40 people ahead of me in the waiting list, after months of no counselling
There's evidence that you learning about CBT on your own can help. A member here has recommended The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns.
 

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