No hope, no life, no purpose.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zer0 The great, Mar 7, 2012.

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  1. Have you ever been depressed? Sad? Lonely? Or just jealous. Yeah I can pretty much say I am that type of person, I’ve been depressed since I was around eight due to some issues I had, now I am around 14, long time of depression I guess. I was dumb and stupid when I was younger 10 and below, no real basic common sense, always friendly but still stupid. I got in trouble for not doing homework, I sucked at nearly every subject expect for history for some reason which I don’t really understand to this very day. I also couldn’t write well nor read very good, but what depresses me and turns my heart upside down is the fact that I was suicidal at that young of an age(8), I knew I was stupid and slow, I knew I couldn’t do things that my class was doing, and I knew that I was a ‘Special’ kid back then, all my life I’ve been dreaming and wishing to be smart as them and had a better understanding of the world around me. Another reason for my bad depression back then was jealousy. I was always seated by a superior smarter kid then me that understood things way beyond my limits and abilities. Sad fact was that I understood that I was a complete idiot and blamed my stupidity on him,
    I would cry to myself why God? Why did you have to pick me for your amusement? What did I do to deserve this curse of stupidity and limit of understanding? I felt broken and didn’t really have any real friends in my old classes, yeah sure I talked to some people in there about things but it wasn’t a friendship of any sort. Just….was lonely. During my process of moving I was digging through my box of old school notebook and found my old one…I would read and read just looking at my horrible hand writing and misspellings of almost everything in there. As I was reading my old third grade notebook I found my sentence of me saying ‘I hate my life’ even though it said ‘I het my lafe’ but I knew what it meant. I always had a supporting family but they do not know of my strong depression nor my extreme hate upon things, well I don’t really have a supporting family, I more have a supporting mom but I don’t talk to her due to the fact that she annoys me with little things, but for some reason my Dad was my favorite, he was charismatic, very Intelligent as well and good looking to Women I guess. He had an anger problem but it wasn’t as bad as my sister with Bi poler who just completely hated my soul.
    I’ve never really been a happy person in my life due to the way things were, I always saw no hope in life, I also have never had a Girlfriend nor tried to talk to a girl because of fear of rejection. Besides I saw no point to it seeing that theirs probably a guy that is 10 times better or popular then me, another reason of my strong depression is probably because I’ve never really been said ‘Hey you did a good job!’ or you were the ‘best!’ Which tares my heart out because I’ve never been first in anything. Another sad truth was my dad thought I was going to be pure special Ed when I was younger cause I didn’t say my first words till I was four years old.
    I’ve never even told anyone about my depression because I always hid my anger and sadness, I just basically left it to build up inside of me and lost my Self Confidence and gained a low self esteem. I always thought badly of myself due to my stupidity and bad common sense, I used to say that I didn’t deserve to live anymore because I wasn’t good enough for the ever lasting air that we depended upon. I’ve never been Emo because I thought it was a very strange idea, also never harmed myself on purpose even though I have intense suicidal thoughts at times and emotional break downs at times when I’m alone. My heart was broken last year in the six grade. Things weren’t so bad anymore because I was beginning to get smarter and develop a strong writing skill, same for reading and history. I wrote two stories last year and got As on them. One about a Pitbull called ‘The Pit’ and another one called ‘The Outbreak’ which was basically a zombie story.
    but still I’ve felt differently about people….Hatred, or a disliking to them, I was afraid of other people because of strong rejection and hate from them, I did have some friends in there, well to tell the truth, I was friends with half the class, but I had two best friends. One from the first grades and one from the fourth, I wasn’t always in the same classes with my first best friend but my fourth grade friend yeah we were in basically every class. But in the six grade I got lonely and depressed on my birthday, It was march 30th of 2011 and I asked a few of my friends if they wanted to go see a movie and sushi, they said yes. But this kid that had ADD and ADHD that was completely rude and idiotic had a dad that was apart of some stupid ASS Earthquake awareness thing and they were doing a thing for this TV channel about earthquake awareness and it was going on at the same time as my birthday party….You know what that meant, he asked all friends if they wanted to be apart of it and they said yes and ditched me on my birthday….I felt heart broken and lonely altogether. It was the worse moment of my life….and because of that my grades went down due to horrible depression and hatred. My teacher also told me that I was basically sucking real bad at school and that I would do bad in seventh grade at this rate. That Terrified me to death and made me feel even worse. I once again yelled at God for making me suffer even more! I’ve felt like I was an Ant being burnt to death by God, the big mean kid in the sky. I just felt lost in life and just went on through this crappy journey called life. By this rate my suicidal thoughts were increased and was bad now. I’ve even pulled a kitchen knife to my chest and tried to do it but always backed out and put the knife away in fear of not knowing what death would be like. But I had a dream of joining the Marine corps when I get older and becoming an NCO in the United States Marine Corps. Oh my would I be honored to be tilted as a U.S Marine. After six grade I didn’t do much with my short life, avoided people mostly. When seventh grade hit I looked different, I acted different and overall….was different, this time I wasn’t so depressed. I was ready for the world this time hoping to making new friends and getting good grades. Well I make average grades and I didn’t make a single friend throughout half the school year. Got shy and realized how fast one could be rejected in this cruel place called ‘Middle school’ I didn’t ask or talk to anyone though, and people didn’t really care to talk or noticed me. I was just your average shy usual kid in this ghetto place. This place was sucky and painful to be in. All the popular kids used stupid terms like ‘Swag’ and other retarded Lil Wayne crap. I avoided saying this to the ‘Cool kids’ of my school and just dealt with it. Guess you can say I’m one of the very quiet ones.

    One thing that scares me the most is that I’m going to end up dying with no real purpose or reason in life with no girlfriend or friends that really cared or loved me….all I want is someone that really cares for me…or would stick up for me when something bad happens, but no that’s clearly impossible in life for me.
    Sometimes I walk around my house or the streets asking God for a sign that he is really there and that he has a plan for me but I very much doubt that, every time I cry in my heart for him to listen to me I get no answer…no respond…no hope. And the reason for me wanting to join the Marines is just wanting to die in the field with pride and at least trying to do something…to just have some sort of purpose in life instead of being a useless piece of air. Or just having a heroic deed would make me feel better but…just to know I probably saved someone better then me that actually has a real useful purpose to society then I will ever give is a lot better then just staying alive and hiding behind a desk all day., Cause I know I don’t have the real intelligence to succeed in life and do something for the rest of the world. I’m also scared of knowing that my whole life story will be forgotten like the Millions and millions of people around me, just plain forgotten in this the back of people’s minds, not realizing the pain and suffering that I go through just trying to give myself just a little hope that change might happen sooner or later. I know the life story of a rich fancy famous person will be better remembered then mine will ever be…..Cruel world
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi you just want you to know that you are important okay It is good that you can come here and release all those thought hun all that sadness that is inside you. I do hope you know you are not alone now okay You can talk here anytime and we will listen to you I also think you are very intelligent shown in the way you express yourself in your writing You can pm me anytime okay I know it gets scarey hun but take each day as it comes your path your purpose you are looking for will show itself in time hugs to you ok
     
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