No hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Needhelp74, Feb 7, 2014.

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  1. Needhelp74

    Needhelp74 New Member

    I feel like there is no hope for a decent life left. Before anyone passes judgement just remember there is 2 sides to every story and I have been judged by enough people at this point. So my life started out of control many years ago. I was a corporate account. I worked for a company that had 4 entires. Every employee was hired by one of the 4. When HR switched payroll providers somehow a few employees started receiving duplicate paychecks. I was one of them. Being in accounting I was able to file everything away and no one knew anything. It was a non public company so there were no auditors to double check things. I really did not expect for it to go on as long as it did. I was young single and didn't really fully consider the consequences. I eventually got married and was very happy with my life. Then my wife got pregnant. At this point i was still receiving duplicate checks. I realized I had to come clean otherwise things were only going to get worse. We tried to come to a civil settlement but after a gave them pretty much everything I had back they still had me prosecuted. I spent 2 years in a work release center. It was a horrible situation but it allowed me to go home on weekends and see my son. I was fine with the consequences of basically going to prison. What I cannot deal with anymore as I have no strength left is trying to make a life for myself now that I have been free and did my time for over a year. I cannot find work anywhere. At first I told the truth on applications where it asks if you have ev been convicted of a felony. No one would even speak to me. Then I began to lie. I actually got a good temp job doing analyst work for 3 months. The contract ended last Aug. last week that same company called me and said they have an open position and was I interested. Of course I said yes. I only had 2 other job offers in 6 months and both revoked the offer after my background was revealed. So I went in this past Monday on what I thought was my way back to a civilized life and being able to provide for my son and wife. Well I was wrong. On thursday they called me and said I needed to leave and I was terminated due to my background. How am I suppose to survive and have a life if no one will give me a chance? I just don't feel there is any hope anymore. I do not feel like a man. I cannot provide the basics for my son. I just feel everyone would be better off if I was not around. I use to have hope that I would get past this. I tried to finally do the right thing and I have been shit on eve since and that was Dec 2008 when my life spun out of control. I know I am the maid reason for my situation but do I have to be punished forever when I tried to be honest. It's not just me that suffers either. My wife and my sweet innocent son suffers as well. It just hurts so much not being able to give him the things he deserves. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

    Someone please help.
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    The sad thing is Needhelp, you did not actually go out & steal the money - it was given to you - ok, you should have told them they had double paid you, just like if a shop assistant gave you too much change, but who can actually say they would not be tempted to stay silent and take the money? You have paid tenfold for your indiscretion (I would hardly call it a felony, especially as you paid what you could back) - I would put the fault on your employer for incompetentcy in their wages department and the staff responsible for double paying you, rather than prosecute you - Were you the only one who did not notify your employer of the double payment? If you were not, then were the other employees who also kept quiet prosecuted as well? And as for the court and your lawyer, they were as useful as a chocolate coffee pot
    As for CRB checks (past criminal record) as long as you disclose to potential employers they should understand & at least give you a work trial, but sadly they are reluctant to take risks
    One solution to your problem Needhelp would be to become self employed as then it would be, in effect, you employing you, thus negating the requirement for a CRB check

    tc Needhelp

  3. Needhelp74

    Needhelp74 New Member

    It has been so long now I dont remember if all the other employees came forward right away or not. I know some did and others I being the accountant notified them but it was discovered by me right away. I just made the poor decision to let mine go on. It was the worst decision I have ever made. I eventually came clean but it went on for a long time and the amount was substantial. That's why it was a felony but the amount I gave back was large as well. I just couldn't go on living like that especially with a child on the way. No I will always wonder if I should have just quit and walked away and maybe no one would have ever found out.
    I am so physically exhausted everyday by the depression. Its worse today because this week I thought it was my chance to get a life back and it was ripped away in a second. I feel worse today than when this whole mess first started. I just feel like someone is pulling the life right out of me.
  4. fam6236

    fam6236 Member

    I am in the same boat as you. I have a 14 month old daughter at home who was born while I was in prison. I know how you feel. Having a felony on your background is not easy. The best thing for you to do is find something you can start yourself, that being a business of some sort, just something where you cannot be discredited because of your background. Easier said than done. I myself am basically coming to the conclusion that there is no way I will make it working for someone else. Basically all that is out there are shitty jobs for people with felony records. You sound like a smart person and working settling for a low wage job is something that I will not allow myself to do. I mean it is just insane, you get arrested pay a hefty price for your crime by doing some sort of incarceration and when you get home you get shafted for the rest of your life because of a mistake you make. To me your crime sound minor and a felony is just not the appropriate punishment for your crime. If it makes you feel better, my felony is for marijuana possession, yes a stupid thing like this is holding me down. I too have been sitting around feeling sorry for myself and mad at the world. I just have to keep saying to myself that this has got to come to an end and too do something about it. I contemplate suicide and do not want to go on anymore either. Just try to keep your head up!
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