No Hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wyndeway59, Jan 3, 2009.

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  1. wyndeway59

    wyndeway59 New Member

    I do what I am supposed to do:
    - I take all of my many medications,
    - go for my acupuncture sessions,
    - try to keep busy even though I am stuck in the house,
    - keep trying to manage the monthly budget to no avail,
    - I try desperately to cope with my periods of depression.:sad:

    There is very little happiness in my life. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2003, have asthma/GERD/cronic depression, my van and truck broke down, one of my shelties died at only 11 years old, we are in financial ruin, and my husband gets angry at me when I get like this. He said he can't take it anymore. He said"When was the last time I was normal?". This is normal for me and I can't take it anymore.:sad:

    The depression is increasing in frequency and I am finding it harder and harder to manage them. It had gotten so bad this week that I tried to slash my wrist but the knife wasn’t sharp enough. I couldn’t do that right as many other things in my life. I am becoming more and more hopeless. I have felt this bad for quite some time now. When I go for my sessions with my Dr. he asks me how I am doing and I mainly tell him I am fine but that’s a lie. I have lied to so many about how I am feeling, my doctor, my husband, my brother, my mother, and my friends. I show a false face to all around me. I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too hard for me. I am so depressed these days. I get worse day after day to a point where I see no way out. Darkness surrounds me as does death. I wish I was dead. :sad:

    Nothing cheers me up anymore like it used to. I don’t even enjoy sex with my husband. Everything that I loved to do has been ripped from me such as my teaching job, showing my dogs in conformation, skiing, horseback riding, hiking in the woods, and gardening. I even find it difficult to clean the house. I am just plain useless to myself and those around me. I just want it all to end. Is that too much to ask?:sad:
  2. Speck

    Speck Well-Known Member

    When we get into the depression cycle its hard to climb back off, the feelings, watching things we enjoy become things we just 'do' because we're ment to.. stopping from being 'normal' - define normal!?

    Just know that your not alone right now, many of us know how it feels.

    Hang in there x
  3. Locket

    Locket Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry you're feeling so low :hug:
    i'm here if you ever need anyone to talk to

    your husband still loves you, even though he may get irritated. you know it's hard living with depression, but he knows too, just in a different way. it's not your fault, so don't blame yourself.
    you do have hope, there are good things in life and you can find them.
    if you go to your doctor i'm sure you can get some better medication that will decrease your depression.

    good luck with everything
    laura x
  4. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    Hence the depression. You're not living according to the true you and you're suppressing it. It would be my guess that the energy and truth you're suppressing is indeed surfacing, manifested by way of..............depression. You NEED somebody to get out your true feelings to. The next time your doctor asks you how you're feeling, try this. Tell him exactly how you're feeling. Tell him you hang out on a forum for suicidal people. Tell him your husband gets angry with you. Tell him EVERYTHING. Then, be aware of how you feel when you leave his surgery. As if a weight is gone, for a while. You need to get it out into the open to get rid of it and eventually you'll have gone so far with getting it out the answers will become apparent. If you bottle it up, it will get worse.

    I used to suffer terrible depression and today, apart from the odd one or two episodes lasting a few days, here and there, I'm pretty much depression free. The way I got around it was to face all of my fears, found myself without the need of a partner, realised what I wanted to do, and took steps to do it.
    I highly recommend it.
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