No hope.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Scum, Aug 26, 2009.

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  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    No options left now. Just death.
  2. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    there are always other wouldn't have posted here if you didn't think so deep down.I'm glad you are reaching out..can you talk about it?I read your signature..and I can't really offer advice but I am always here to listen and always understand.
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I have got no hope now of ever getting better. I don't want to live my life with this torrid existance. My GP told me that particular therapy was my last and only shot. Not its gone, I'm not better.

    There is nothing left.
  4. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    but you need to stay in therapy to get have to tell your doctor how you feel.If you are at immediate risk..would you go to the ER? I'm sorry you feel so hopeless but we are here for you.It isn't just seems that way right now.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Wow. I've been wondering how you were doing.

    That GP might be wrong. Have you thought about going to a different one? There may be other chances, more hope out there than you even realize.
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Seriously, there are no more options. No one will take me oin because I'm too complex. My GP is the best in the surgery. I've cancelled the appointment I had on Firday with him. No point seeing him now.

    How do you carry on when you feel so torrid and there is no hope of change :|
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't know. I really wish I had some answers! But I hope you find a way to hang on. There has to be something, some form of hope you can hold onto. You're worth too much to just stop fighting and give up.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I can't see anything to hold onto.

    This all seems to hopeless. I've always said I can live as long as there is hope, and now there is no hope.

    I fought so hard to make this work and its not worked. My fight was wasted.
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your fight wasn't wasted, because you're still here.

    Is there any part of the therapy that helped at all? Even if it's a small part, and not the entire process.
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Yes, I have gained a lot of very basic things, like being able to identify my emotions, but equally, I'm still dissociating, still self harming severely, still suicidal, still depressed, etc.

    The good foundations are in place but there is no one to help me move forward further (and if I could go back to therapy I truly, truly would because my therapist was amazing).
  11. Scott

    Scott New Member

    Hi mate, I think I know how you feel about this as I have attended therapy for some time and found it useless. Ultimately you need to help yourself, maybe accept that life isn't going to be enjoyable for some time but perhaps try and make it better for people around you. Or search for someting you enjoy doing.. The things that trouble you may seem like nothing in time... Just be your own person and do what you want to do. Life doesn't need to be unbearable, I admit I don't enjoy 90% of it but there are things I want to live for. They may sound stupid to other people but for example I want to see how science and technology evolve in the rest of my lifetime. How politcal stances change etc... You dont need to be happy to live, and you might feel better one day :) We're all going to die anyway, there's no point in rushing it.
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm guessing you're not able to continue therapy at all?

    I know it feels like there's no hope, because you're still self-harming and dissociating; but at least you gained something positive from therapy. You've got more than you started out with. You've taken some steps in the right direction, and as long as you keep fighting to hold on, it's possible for you to make even more progress.
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Scum, I've been thinking about you a lot recently, and although it's not good to hear you're in the place you're in now, it's good to hear you're around. I'm not sure if you remember me.

    Nobody wants to live life in the way you're doing, no one.

    Why did your therapy stop?
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I do of course remember you ggg :) I've thought about you too. How are you?

    I have come so, SO far by myself. I have come further than most people do by themselves because I've had no choice, because until this therapist/py came along no one would take me on, so I did LOADS by myself. I can't do it all though. I have BPD, that's not something easily sortable, its not something professaionals want to touch with a barge pole, its not something I can fix my myself. If I could,then I would and I wouldn't be here moaning and whinging at you all.

    My therapy stopped because the funding running out coincides with my therapist leaving. They think more funding would not be beneficial because it is only a sort term solution (12 sessions) when I need long, long term support and consistency. She offered for me to see her privately, but somoene on income support and DLA can NOT afford £80 a session and £20 petrol costs every week.
  15. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    You've said so much about yourself, you know how amazing you are you know that so many people couldn't do the things you've done and have the motivation you do, (I think you're amazing too) and you've used your therapy sessions as much as you could.

    Who is "they"? Is it the PCT? I'd really recommend getting an advocate to let your PCT know that you know what you need, and you need long term sessions and consistency from your therapist. You shouldn't need to go private (especially with a therapist unwilling to reduce her fee £80 sounds like a joke, I mean inside London, here you have to pay £100 for private therapy, I got a therapist who I only paid £25 to) when I'm sure funds are there to help someone as motivated as yourself. You could access one by looking up MIND, or asking your MH trust about advocacy. You shouldn't be discriminated for having BPD, that diagnoses has so much baggage to it and can really effect how people look at you.

    It's good you remember me:biggrin:. I was thinking that you're a member here who goes through similar struggles as myself and could relate to so much of what you've said in the past.

    Take care of your good self, there is so much hope in what you write about yourself and how far you've come all on your own, (which I can completely relate to), although I hear how desperate and alone and isolated you're feeling. You're an incredibily strong person and I've always loved reading your thoughts here.
  16. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You can moan and whinge (is that right)? at us as much as you want to. Personally, I wish there was more I could do; but I can listen.

    Wow, that's a lot of money. I don't even dare try to convert that into US dollars, because I have a feeling it's more expensive than I realize. Is therapy something you could do every two or three weeks? It obviously wouldn't be as helpful as weekly sessions, but at least it would be something consistent, something you could count on. Then maybe she could give you ideas on things to do during the times when you didn't have sessions with her, ways you could help yourself yet still sort of be under her care.

    Sorry, I'm not sure I'm making sense.
  17. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    you have to go..please call and reschedule.You are giving up without giving yourself a fair chance.I apologize if finances are the isn't fair..I hope you can get subsidized.Don't give up.
  18. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank your for your replies :)

    ggg, I too felt you were someone I could always relate to because I know your struggles are not that dissimilar from mine in some ways.

    'They' is the Doctors at the hospital the PCT have funded for. The PCT have not been approached for a third set of funding. Even if they were, the PCT were reluctant to give the second set, but also, I would be scared of starting with a new therapist once again because so far at this hospital I've seen two different ones (the first one didn't work at all for me, but this one really worked well) and starting from scratch again is a huge problem for me (trust issues, etc, yadda yadda). But they won't apply for anymore funding anyway, so its a moot point.

    The CMHT have never taken me on previously (too complex to help), and whilst my GP was trying to get me seen by them, I doubt they will take me on this time- I'm no less complex this time than two years ago, in some ways, I'm more complex.

    I spend my whole time focusing on the comming session. It's a huge part of my week, and when it's a week away it seems completely overwhelming and unachievable, and I know that if I approached her about seeing her less often it would actually be something that would be be detrimental to me because I would spend a lot of time feeling over whelmed and like I can't cope. If I have nothing positive to focus on and hold onto, then I can just focus on today, which is achievable often.

    I have fought SO hard. I bet if people really knew you would understand that I'm not 'giving up without giving [myself] a fair chance'. I have done so much for myself, and fought for so much, fought harder than most because no one will take me on. I've been struggling with this for 18 years. I've fought tooth and nail the last 5 (because until then I didn't know anything was wrong, I thought it was normal to be suicidal, have time lapses, self harm, etc, I didn't know otherwise) to get whatever help I can, make whatever progress I can. I get to the last chance saloon and it didn't work. I have given myself every chance. Now there is no hope that's the way it is. There IS no hope. There ARE no more options.

    That's it. I'm like this now.
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please don't give up not with all the work you have done for yourself. There is hope for now talk to us get support from this forum until another door opens for you. BPD is a very difficult disorder and i know it is like you have lepracy or something. You are no different then someone else with mental illness and there are good doctors out there that treat this. Keep looking okay keep trying because you are worth the fight and I know you are tired and feel it is hopeless but every day they are coming out with new approaches. I wish you lived in Canada because i sent my daugther to a group home that just deals with BPD alone she went every day andhome on weekends for 4mths It help her greatly Please don't give up
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you've fought so hard, and there are times when you're probably just tired of fighting. But I hope you have a little strength left, enough to hold on for a while longer.

    I wish I had a suggestion, or some sort of advice. But the only thing I can say now is that I'm here if you ever need to talk or vent. I hope you dont' give up.
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