Hi. I just got off the phone with somebody at a Suicide Prevention Hotline and she suggested this forum. I'm not sure I really want to post here because I don't want somebody to tell me "things are going to be ok." They really won't. I've been waiting for 35 years for things to get better. I don't believe they ever will. But I told the woman on the phone I would post anyway and I want to keep that word. I just separated from the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We'd been married just a little over a year. I truly loved him and he broke my heart. He was the only thing I had in this world. I was abused as a child so I don't have a family. We are living in a foreign country and we know nobody here. I don't speak the local language and the expat community is really small. For a number of reasons that would take too long to explain, I don't have a country to go back to. I mean this literally. So if I wanted to leave today, I'd have nowhere to go except another strange country where I also wouldn't know anybody. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of not being loved. Growing up, my father used to tell me that nobody would ever loved me, that I would die alone. I've been staring at a bottle of pills all night thinking he was right. I hate him for it, but he was right. The only reason I haven't taken the pills is because I have two dogs and if I go tonight, they'll end up either in the streets or dead (this is NOT a pet-friendly country). So I keep looking at them and trying to hold on. And then I find myself crying and wondering why am I holding on at all? There's no happiness coming. I'm tired of believing that because the truth is that my father was right: nobody will ever love me. I don't love myself, why would anybody else? It's 4:40 in the morning where I am and I took enough pills to hopefully fall asleep. More than I should've but not enough to kill myself. Days are worse than nights, though, and the idea of waking up tomorrow and doing this all over again is too much to bear right now. So maybe the pills will help me stop thinking for a few hours. I love my husband with all my heart. He was my tiny light of hope for a different future. He's gone now and all my hopes are gone with him. I'm tired. My heart is tired. I just want to stop suffering.