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no hope

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dotx, Apr 20, 2010.

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  1. dotx

    dotx Member

    Hi. I just got off the phone with somebody at a Suicide Prevention Hotline and she suggested this forum. I'm not sure I really want to post here because I don't want somebody to tell me "things are going to be ok." They really won't. I've been waiting for 35 years for things to get better. I don't believe they ever will. But I told the woman on the phone I would post anyway and I want to keep that word.

    I just separated from the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We'd been married just a little over a year. I truly loved him and he broke my heart. He was the only thing I had in this world. I was abused as a child so I don't have a family. We are living in a foreign country and we know nobody here. I don't speak the local language and the expat community is really small. For a number of reasons that would take too long to explain, I don't have a country to go back to. I mean this literally. So if I wanted to leave today, I'd have nowhere to go except another strange country where I also wouldn't know anybody.

    I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of not being loved. Growing up, my father used to tell me that nobody would ever loved me, that I would die alone. I've been staring at a bottle of pills all night thinking he was right. I hate him for it, but he was right. The only reason I haven't taken the pills is because I have two dogs and if I go tonight, they'll end up either in the streets or dead (this is NOT a pet-friendly country). So I keep looking at them and trying to hold on. And then I find myself crying and wondering why am I holding on at all? There's no happiness coming. I'm tired of believing that because the truth is that my father was right: nobody will ever love me. I don't love myself, why would anybody else?

    It's 4:40 in the morning where I am and I took enough pills to hopefully fall asleep. More than I should've but not enough to kill myself. Days are worse than nights, though, and the idea of waking up tomorrow and doing this all over again is too much to bear right now. So maybe the pills will help me stop thinking for a few hours.

    I love my husband with all my heart. He was my tiny light of hope for a different future. He's gone now and all my hopes are gone with him. I'm tired. My heart is tired. I just want to stop suffering.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2010
  2. Legna

    Legna Member

    If you're in a country where you don't speak the native language that's one big problem...
    go to your country where you know the native language, that will make things much easier, take your pets with you as well. You may not know anyone but aslong as your speak the local language you can always meet new people.

    And you seem like you're in a constant state of depression... you ca'nt let it sink in and kill you trust me... you need to do something enjoyable and as hard as it is... move on... there are millions of people out there and there is ALWAYS someone who will care, if your husband left you after only a year... then he did not return your love, at least not as strongly as you are loving him.
    And your father was very wrong, do'nt let the words of a mis-guided father hurt you,

    And just because you do'nt love yourself right now... won't stop anybody else from loving you.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi dotx...I'm glad you've found this forum......I hope it helps you as much as it has me...
    I'm so sorry for your breakup and I can hear the pain you are in....
    I want you to know you can get through this..we are here to support you...
    my marriage and a long term realationship both ended and if I got through it there's hope for you....
    what a cruel thing for your father to say to you....of course you're lovable....sounds like he had some insecurities of his own and he took them out on you....
    I hope you'll keep posting and talking here..I hope we can be of some help...:hug:
  4. dotx

    dotx Member

    I can't go back to my country. I'd rather die here than go back there. I haven't been there in 17 years. I won't be returning.

    I've been on medication for depression for almost a year. I thought they were helping (and maybe they did, because I'm still alive) but the reality is I'm just wasting space here and I know it.

    Did my husband loved me the way I do? No. Or maybe he did once. Still, he was my life, my hope.

    ETA: I would never, ever leave my dogs behind. If I'm going somewhere after this place, they're flying with me. They're the only real family I've ever had and I don't plan on abandoning them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2010
  5. dotx

    dotx Member

    I am who I am today because of my father. The physical scars went away a long time ago. The emotional ones are still very much here. He was a bastard and he made sure I grew up to be as miserable as he was. I always thought that if not even my father could love me, then why would anybody else? I've tried to prove myself that that's not true, but life keeps telling me otherwise and I don't want to argue anymore.

    Thanks for answering. The pills are kicking in and I'm having trouble seeing the screen right.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2010
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    ok..you rest and come back and talk when you wake.....we'll be here for you...:hug:
  7. dotx

    dotx Member

    Thanks everybody. I'm up today and things are a lot worse. I know I have no future and it's so much clearer to see with the light of day. I guess the question's always been: do I stay alive knowing I'll never be happy or do I give up once and for all? I'm tired of hurting and I don't have any faith or hope that things will ever get better. Doesn't matter what others say. As long as I believe I'll be unhappy, that's what will happen. I've had short flashes of good things here and there but in general my life has always been filled with pain and I don't expect that to change. I'm tired of hurting and I have nobody who cares.

    I'm sorry about posting here. I think more than anything I want to make sure somebody's listening, whether I decide to go or not. Thank you.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm listening dotx...I can hear your pain.....
    don't let your fathers cruelty rule your life....I understand it must be so hard but how he treated you wasn't your fault...he was to blame...he had the problems and it's such a shame how you were treated....
    no child deserves that..
    I hope that you won't take your life....just try to get through one day at a time is all you can do and just maybe one day you will find that reason to live...
    you were happy with your Husband??..then you can be happy again..
    can you go get the doc to check out your meds..they may need adjusting to get you through the breakup?
    you deserve a better life..
    you have us....we are here to support you...:hug:
  9. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    how r u?
    welcome to SF :)
    i live in forgin country cant speak there lang. & they dont like dogs lol.

    ill never ever tell you "things are going to be ok" life is ups & downs.& do you want love?i need it too so......"I LOVE YOU"(im not kidding), they suggest this site cos everybody love, support & hug each other every single day.

    i know the broke up is sooooooo hard, im not going to tell u its easy or by time will go,people r brake up everyday, but they do to meet other, better people,nicer people, more recpectable people.for example my broke up & suicide attmpting make me chat with somebody nice,considering like u. & could you tell me how many people live on this planet? did u meet them all? so how u give up that fast & judge other that nobody love you.

    "Did my husband loved me the way I do".........ill ask u did u love yourself like you love him or even like he love you? NO....nobody will love u untill u love yourself trully.

    "my father used to tell me that nobody would ever loved me, that I would die alone." .............however,after u spoke here from heart,whats inside u,how you feel,how did you grow up & who u really are,me and so many other here (plus ur dogs ;)) will surly sayin : "YOU r Soooooooooooo loveble person, & you'll find love". who will you belive us or ur abusive father who was let you down to feel he is superior?

    by the way,since u sign here,u now dont have 2 sweet dogs who love u (& better than ur husband who dont see ur heart beauty;)), u also have us to live for.

    PS: some people (both parants :( ) told me im nobody & nobody love me, and yes i admit sometimes i give up & start to belive it,but i take a breath and say " I once promise myself "ill never grow up to be like them". so im not going to be like them, i want to be the opposite than them & that mean be opposite of thier hought, & thier opinion, which is im somebody and ill be loved by someone"

    PS: im sorry im write so long, i just was writting from the heart.

    take care :hug:
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    how you doing doxt??:hug::flowers:
  11. dotx

    dotx Member

    Hi. I'm writing from my hospital bed. I couldn't make it through that night and ended up taking a lot of sleeping pills. I did it outside, on a park bench, because I just couldn't make it back home. I guess somebody found me after I passed out and took me to the hospital. I don't remember anything until I woke up and then all I could think was that I'm so stupid I'm not even capable of killing myself right.

    I am supposed to check out tomorrow and I have no idea what I'm going to do. The hospital set up an appointment for me to meet with a therapist right after checkout. I am in so much pain that I truly don't want to keep going. I am also in a lot of physical pain from the stomach cleaning they did here, so that makes things even worse right now.

    I have no reason to go on. I love my dogs but I believe they might be better off in a new home, with somebody who has a clear head and can give them the love and attention they need. Before I took the pills, I dropped off the keys to the house with a note at the hotel where my ex is staying. He loves the dogs, so I know he's taking care of them right now.

    I don't know what to do with my life. I'm tired of pain.
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are in so much pain you felt the need to take your life.I'm glad you didn't succeed even if you're not..
    please see the therapist and at least give it another try....what have you got to lose?..maybe gain a better life..
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey i hope you keep posting okay keep reaching out here You said you have been on your medication for a year now perhaps talking with your doctor to see if an add on to them will help a bit or change the meds a bit. Sorry i don't know if you said you were getting any therapy at all it helps some if you can.
    I can hear your pain and just know what your father said was very cruel and wrong. You are important and you do matter keep talking here keep venting the pain out of you and put it into words here so others can help you okay.
    I care and so do others here care because we have felt that pain and sadness we can relate so please stay here with us and keep talking.
  14. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    hi there Dotx........i read ure first post and made my heart swell for you.im in a very similar situation except that im not in a foreign country and i dont have any dogs.my partner of 5years has just left me,and be it for another woman.i too truly am alone apart from the people on this site...no friends or family.so even though i dont know you i understand what you are feeling and wanted to give you "hugs"......hold on in there
  15. dotx

    dotx Member

    I've been so desperate all day (it's evening time here) thinking about dying and realizing I'm stuck in this hospital bed without a chance of doing anything about it. I have nobody to talk to besides this website. It's really humbling to realize that when you're gone, nobody will care.

    I can't imagine a life without my husband. I don't want to. He was the love of my life. I waited so long and fought so hard for that love. It kills me to think of him with somebody else. I know he's not suffering about the breakup and that he already has plans for a new life all set up. Somehow I'd hoped he would miss me and come back, even though he hurt me so much that I should never give him another chance. But I would take him in a second if he turned around and asked for it.

    I've always been somebody who has a plan. I've always been, in a way or another, working towards a future. I have nothing to keep me going now.

    Thank you for listening.
  16. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    again i couldve written that myself.i feel exactly the same but literally 24 hours ago i had pills and water in my hands and i gave myself one last chance and looked on the net and luckily found this place.im not saying i wont get so low il feel like that again because i probably will,im up and down like a yoyo but these guys are keeping me going.when u feel the emotions rising,keep putting it into words on here.id like to think that even though im new im a part of it and we are all here for anybody who needs us and each other.............please stick with this.will get through it as a team...lots of hugs coming ure way
  17. dotx

    dotx Member

    Thanks, Shamps. I'm sorry you're in pain too. I haven't had any ups. Right now I don't think they can be possible ever. I don't want them either, as stupid as that might sound. My whole life has been pain and more pain, with small flashes of happiness here and there. It's not enough. And now I don't even have him in my life. I'm trying not to cry too loud right now because I was already warned once that if they thought being online was making me worse they were going to take my laptop away.
  18. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    Hey Dotx,you really dont need to be sorry about my pain sweety.Im actually finding that helping other people is kinda helping me as weird as that sounds.Not that im taking any pleasure in your circumstances(didnt mean it to sound like that).But yes I do know what you mean about not wanting any "ups",I still feel a little like that every now and again,kinda like if I cant have that person then I dont want anybody....of course you are going to feel like that,he was obviously a very big part of your life.
    But anyway I really dont want to be responsible for you having your connection to this site taken away from you(not meaning to set you off crying),just please know that I and everybody here will help you no matter what just message whenever you need to and shall always get back to you.They are all truly lifesavers on here......im in the same place as you so please know you are NOT on your own.
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm still listening dotx.... I'm sorry I've hit a wall at the moment and not a lot of help..( so worried about a dear friend in criisis)...
    I think seeing the therapist might offer some hope for you...and remember no one is worth you taking your life over...you deserve to have a better life...
    stay and fight please...there are others here in similar circumstances to you who can help with support...:hugtackles:
  20. dotx

    dotx Member

    No, you're not making things worse. Coming back here and reading the responses is the only thing I have right now. I feel so incredibly alone and unloved.
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