No, I will NOT be ok!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Madam Mim, Dec 12, 2010.

  1. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Why do people keep telling me that I'll be ok? That in a few years everything will be different? That I won't even remember feeling like this.

    Well, I've been feeling like this for 13 years now, and it has NEVER gone away. Why will that change anytime soon? They just don't get it. It's easy for them to say, they have no idea what it's like to live like this, day in, day out. To feel utter despair every waking moment, and even many sleeping moments. To be constantly thinking of suicide, to think longingly of the stuff in my cupboard which could end it once and for all.

    Ok, so things are bad. So why don't I just do it? I ask myself that every single day. Every day I wish I'd done it back in May, as I had planned. Now, I don't even remember why I didn't, and I'm kicking myself for it. I can't do it now, it's nearly Christmas, and my family rely on me so much.

    So I put on my brave face, and smile, and they tell me that I'll be ok, that I'll get through it. Never knowing that when I say I'm feeling depressed I really mean that I'd willingly throw myself under a bus (if only it was that simple!). They think I'm a bit sad, that maybe once I've finished this semester at uni I'll 'perk up' and feel better. I don't think so. There will always be something, I can never be happy with myself, no matter what changes.

    So I'd rather they just left me alone. Don't ask how I am if you're not going to listen to the answer. And no, there's nothing you can do to help, nothing you can do to soothe this pain, so don't bother trying.

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i understand totally but you need to stay here for your family you do not want to cause them pain i understand being stuck here in pain i do But i look at it rather one be suffering then a whole family suffering take care of you and i will say it again there are NEW meds out there that have not even been tried yet so there is always hope
  3. Member

    I wish there was something I could say to help, but I know what it's like to feel that death is the only way out, and yet be unable to do anything about it.

    It upsets me that you say you've been feeling like this for 13 years - I've been suicidal for 2 years and can't see myself lasting more than a couple of months, so I can't imagine the way you're feeling.

    Although I've 'only' felt this way for two years, I resent people telling me it's just a phase and that I have me whole life ahead of me...well yeah I do, feasibly another 60 years, and that's the worst part.

    I really admire you for sticking it out for this long, if nothing else I'm sure your family would be so grateful if they knew just how bad you were feeling and that you're trying to get through it for them.
  4. Tiredofitall

    Tiredofitall Active Member

    It takes a lot of courage to kill yourself, maybe more than I can muster. That may be one reason you haven't. Another could be that somewhere inside you sense that it just may be the wrong thing to do, but there would be no way to reverse that decision. I would like to be absolutely sure myself. Nothing wrong with sticking around to make sure.

    Try to get down to the most basic reason you feel the way you do. That's the issue that needs addressed. Maybe it can be fixed. Maybe it only needs to be understood. If you can overcome that or find a way to fix it, you can move on to the next problem that keeps you in such agony. Then, your journey to recovery has already begun..........
  5. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your replies, it means a lot to me.

    I've been in counselling for over a year now, and have identified a lot of issues. My counsellor is the only person who realises that things will not change anytime soon. Luckily (or unluckily?!) he doesn't realise how bad things are at the moment. He knows how close I've been to suicide in the past, but he knows that I can't hurt my family, so is assuming that I'm 'safe' over Christmas.

    Even I'm assuming that I'm safe for now, but the urge is so overwhelming. My method isn't instant, and will take about 24 hours, so unfortunately I need to be assured of privacy for some time, which is really my main problem. Otherwise, I think it would have been done by now.

    Anyway, that turned into another moan. Thanks again for your replies.