No Idea What To Put....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BumblesWorld, Jul 29, 2010.

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  1. BumblesWorld

    BumblesWorld Member

    ....I can't even think up a decent title to explain how i feel. I just feel emptier and emptier each day that passes. I'm 35 yrs old and have been seeing a Psychiatrist & Doctor for my depression for just over 16 years. Been actually suffering with depression for about 25 yrs or more. I take Amitriptyline & Carbamazepine for the depression and they are also for my OCD which i have had pretty much all my life on and off. It started to get worse in my early 20's, i'm partially housebound. I leave the house about 8 times a year and that is a huge struggle because i have IBS and have to take lots of loperamide before i can leave the house. Life is one huge nightmare on a daily basis. I do have family, i live with my mom and brother and they try to help but can't really do anything. The Psychiatrist and the Doctor have both told me that they can't do anything else for me. My situation is very difficult and it would take me a while to try and explain fully but i have basically given up on life. The only thing keeping me here is my family, if it wasn't for them being here i would have taken my life a long time ago. My doctor told me recently i have maladaptive behaviour, because of all the trauma's in my childhood i have now developed this behaviour. Basically i turn everything in life bad, i have a disturbed view of life (The Psychiatrists words, not mine). The thing is i really don't want to get better anymore, i'm just waiting for the day when i finally slip from this mortal coil and i'm at peace. I'm empty and each day i feel myself disconnecting from life just a little bit more. I can't stand being with people outside of my family, they irritate me and personally i would rather just be with my dog. I know there are still good people in the world but mankind can be so cruel and all i hear on the news is bad bad bad! I'm just waiting to die and when my family go i will be closely behind them. Sorry for the long rant, i just needed to get it out.
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    Did that help to write that all out? I hope it did, in some way. Please know you are heard.

    I am sorry things are so rough, and I can really relate to some of what you said.

    Would you like to explain more about the things that have gone on for you? Or anything else that you want to talk about? Don't feel you have to, but just wanted to give you the opportunity if you wanted to.

    I hear that you don't want to get better. Would making life more tolerable for you at the moment be something that might be something you could focus on?
     
  3. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Don't watch news its not for the faint hearted :) , I am finding it hard to understand your reasoning. Is it too painful to live or is there no purpose, but your family?
    You're a dog person :) , I have a cat :p
     
  4. BumblesWorld

    BumblesWorld Member

    It does help to actually get it down and out of your own head. In the long run though nothing will help me, i know that. I'm trying to come to terms with it, but doubt i ever will fully come to terms with it.

    I had a lot of troubles in my childhood, unstable homelife mainly. mom was a drunk. Dad never give a shit or wanted to see us even though he lived only a mile away from us...blah blah blah, same old same old really. I was a very insecure child, obviously because of all the shit happening at home. Parents divorced when i was 3 and that's when all my problems started. I would pull my hair out and eat it. Had a bald spot on the back of my head because of it. Not grown out of sucking and chewing my hair, don't eat it anymore though, so progress :) I saw my mom take so many overdoses as a child and into my early 20's i have lost count of how many times i have seen her being wheeled out of the house. Seeing the charcoal all around her mouth after her stomach had been pumped. Let's just say life was a complete mess and it's left me with so many problems.

    There is a lot more but i just can't go there, i try and block it out and what is the point it only makes me want to end my life even more than i do already.

    And to answer your question S**t out of luck, life is too painful and the only thing stopping me from really killing myself is my family. I can't do it yet, mainly through guilt. I could not do that to my brother. We have been through so much, it would finish him off aswell and that i can not do.
     
  5. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    You have a brother?! How old is he?? You talk to him about things you're thinking about? I mean really open up talking truth keeping nothing back? You are soulbond, no one can understand as he can.
    Well maybe your dog can, animals can sense your pain.

    The Poem in your signature says "Saw my reflection and cried" are you sure you can see your reflection? Its really hard, if you can do it I would be surprised.
     
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to read all that. Life has dealt you some very painful cards. With everything you have said there it is not a surprise that life is challenging for you, and to add more to that shows just how strong you are to still be fighting despite all of that.
     
  7. BumblesWorld

    BumblesWorld Member

    My brother Nick, he's 41 yrs old. He's got his own family now, married and he's got two kiddies...4 and 1 yrs of age. Me and my brother we were so close when we were younger, still are but i don't bother him with my stuff anymore. He knows i have been getting worse, i can see it in his eyes everytime i see him. He looks sad, like he knows he can't save me or do anything for me anymore. We used to talk about everything, he was the one who made me get help in the first place with the doc and psychiatrist. Our childhoods really fucked us both up, fortunately Nick got out in time...i didn't. I love my brother so much it hurts, just knowing that he always wanted me to get better. To know that he is the only person in my life to want me to do something more than just sit at home and look after my mom, well it makes me want to cry and never stop. He tried so hard to help me but i guess you can't fix something that was broken so long ago. He will always be so special to me. But i know he knows there is no fixing me anymore.

    My dog 'Buffy' unfortunately some of my neurotic behaviour has rubbed off on her. I feel so guilty about that, when my voice goes to a certain tone or i'm upset she knows. I hate it, i hate the fact that my own dog is effected by my depression. I should never have had her but i never knew that i was going to get so much worse so quickly.

    I feel guilty about most things, i feel bitter, angry and mad at the world. When i see other people happy i envy them so very much. I don't want to be so bitter and twisted but i am getting so bad. I look in the mirror and i hate what i have become, i hate the fact that i have become so bitter. I just hate the person i see looking back. I can see my reflection only too well! I really wish i couldn't.
     
  8. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    I am hearing some good things, you have a fighter spirit. You don't like what you have become, find out what you want to become. And the reflection will change, as mirror will always show you the truth.
     
  9. BumblesWorld

    BumblesWorld Member

    You are right i do have a fighter spirit, i wouldn't have lasted this long if i hadn't. But and here is the rub, i don't want to become anything anymore. I am too tired, no! i am too exhausted. There is nothing left for me now i have tried so very very hard to get better and i can't. This is it for me, i don't have anymore fight left in me. So i will carry on for as long as i possibly can. I will hold out for my families sake. But once they are gone so will i be. My life is already over you see, there is no want to get better anymore. This is what people do not understand. That i am dead inside, the mask i wear is for my families benefit. The "yeah i'm ok guys, mask", it's so i don't have to answer questions or tell anyone what i really feel inside. What is the point when i know nobody can help.
     
  10. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    The world is so vast you cannot say there is nothing left to try. Go out, Go places you would never go before. The answers are out there I promise you.

    You know all this get educated get your dream job get a house do the things TV tells you to crap? Well its fake, the real deal is the world around you. Its alive its rich, its full of adventures. And its right out your doorstep.
     
  11. BumblesWorld

    BumblesWorld Member

    I didn't say there was nothing left to try, i was trying to explain that i do not want to do anything anymore. I'm sorry but i can't do this anymore either. I try and explain to people how i feel and they just do not get it!!! I don't want to leave the house anymore, i'm 25 stone 2 pounds (352 pounds). Everything is a struggle for me, physically and mentally. Why can't just one person understand what i am trying to say! Just once i would like someone to say "Yea i get it, i understand what you are going through". No matter, it really does not matter. Nobody will really ever get it and why should they, they can't be me.​
     
  12. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    You are right I am not you, but I understand you. Because just 1 day ago I was giving up. I can relate to you with the fighter spirit of my own, I got angry and revelation came to me. I didn't feel anything I didn't understand anything but my soul was at peace.
    I looked in the mirror and the image would stop shaking, as I would see who I really am. My mirror (Soul) My sword (willpower) My shield (wisdom)

    You can understand the true meaning of life, fuck those dead bodies walking around thinking they're the shit. I say move on, the fight is not over. Battles were lost but you are winning the war. Nothing so far killed you, it made you stronger and its time you realize that.
     
  13. BumblesWorld

    BumblesWorld Member

    You know i want to thank you S**t Out Of Luck. I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me tonight. For listening and for trying to help with some kind words of advice. So thank you! Genuinely, thank you!

    I will carry on taking one day at a time and this all i can do. I know i have no meaningful future, like i said before i carry on only for my family. I guess telling a little of my story as helped get some of it out my head and off my chest.

    Thank you.
     
  14. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Sometimes thats all you need, and maybe some of my words about hope will sink in.And one day you will wake up with smile on your face and your future revealed to you.
     
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