I keep trying to write something and I keep not finding words. Tbh, after my divorce some years ago I wrote too much and now I don't want to bother people. I feel self pitying and stupid. I also know and have known people far worse off than me and don't want to whine. I'm not in a good place though. Bad situation. I've dragged myself to therapy lately at the same time as physical haealth problems. Now the dr I see is away until start of March and my usual psych nurse is ill. I don't know when my next apt. is (Usually see him twice a week). I have some other things happening this month that just make it complicated and I don't even know who to turn to or what to do. Like my disability needs renewing and I have to send off the form without evidence... and... I feel like I really let down a friend who is in a very bad place and might not be here as a result. There are other things too, I feel beaten, worn out, and finished. When I try and sleep all I do is have nightmares. I wake up and tbh I wish I wasn't here. I tell myself it will pass, and I try to stick through it, but it gets harder every day. I used to bury myself in alcohol and that's all I want to do now. Anything so that I don't have to be where I am. My family have disowned me, and I only have a few friends in this country now -- none of whom are local now. People I do know and talk to see me as smart and helpful, and I do try to be there for them, but the whole thing feels fake. I'm wasting people's time and effort. I kind of wish my physical issues would just take the decision away from me. I really might as well not be here.