No idea where I am

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by HawkHood, Feb 12, 2014.

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  1. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I keep trying to write something and I keep not finding words. Tbh, after my divorce some years ago I wrote too much and now I don't want to bother people. I feel self pitying and stupid. I also know and have known people far worse off than me and don't want to whine.

    I'm not in a good place though. Bad situation. I've dragged myself to therapy lately at the same time as physical haealth problems. Now the dr I see is away until start of March and my usual psych nurse is ill. I don't know when my next apt. is (Usually see him twice a week). I have some other things happening this month that just make it complicated and I don't even know who to turn to or what to do. Like my disability needs renewing and I have to send off the form without evidence... and... I feel like I really let down a friend who is in a very bad place and might not be here as a result. There are other things too, I feel beaten, worn out, and finished.

    When I try and sleep all I do is have nightmares. I wake up and tbh I wish I wasn't here. I tell myself it will pass, and I try to stick through it, but it gets harder every day. I used to bury myself in alcohol and that's all I want to do now. Anything so that I don't have to be where I am.

    My family have disowned me, and I only have a few friends in this country now -- none of whom are local now. People I do know and talk to see me as smart and helpful, and I do try to be there for them, but the whole thing feels fake. I'm wasting people's time and effort. I kind of wish my physical issues would just take the decision away from me.

    I really might as well not be here.
     
  2. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    You are no bother at all Mephisto - if you need to chat that's what we're here for so you really might as well BE here

    :freehug:
     
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    :happy_hello:
     
  4. dgen513

    dgen513 New Member

    this isnt help. i can also say i dont know where to begin
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't bothering anyone, and you definitely aren't whining. Just offering a listening ear if you ever feel like talking.
     
  6. justsomegirl

    justsomegirl Well-Known Member

    Hey Mephisto, I'm sorry you're having such a rough day. /hug

    I think the fact that you're aware of needing and trying to get help speaks volumes about your strength and your resolve to hang on. It's always okay to vent or share when you're feeling down; please don't ever feel judged for your emotions. It sounds like you have a LOT going on. I also have nightmares and can attest to the fact that it's very hard to make decisions and get organized when you're never really rested.

    And I'm proud of you for resisting the temptation to drink. If you try to use it to feel better, you'll probably just end up feeling worse. Not drinking takes a lot of strength and you should be really proud of yourself for that.

    Did your psychiatrist leave you with any information, like another doctor, in case you needed it?
     
  7. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    as you can see there is plenty of support from people here offering genuine care and support.

    do keep asking and talking to us.
     
  8. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    Thanks for the friendly replies. I know from experince someone can't always help, but even some moral support is welcome right now.

    Sigh. This week feels like it will never end. I've dragged myself through each day so far.

    Usually I see a psyh dr. and a psych nurse, and though the dr's on planned leave the nurse's leave wasn't planned. They aren't even usually allowed to book more than a few days off for leave. I managed to talk to a duty worker in the end, who offered to do a home visit, but I wasn't up to that. It would of only added humiliation and embarrassment to everything. Also they didn't know anything about me, except what came up on my file there and then, and I wasn't up to explaining much.

    This week has been ... just ... the worst in a ling time, and I've been putting up with things getting worse but for some reason I've run out of steam. The most important people in my life have had bad things happen this week. One called me in tears then tried to take their life, and tbh I can't blame them after this last year. Another just lost their job after 5 years with the company and struggling admirably to hold it down through so many changes and their own depression (plus supporting me). Another might be forced to terminate their pregnancy hastily whilst it remains legal due to issues with the baby's health, after investing so much emotionally and physically.

    All the while, I'm completely useless because before any of this even happened I was thinking of how I could even go on, how I would make it through one more day, and what on earth I'm doing. And here I am whining about my life, my therapy, my health and myself. Tbh I feel like these people would be better off without me. All I've been to them is a burden, and I'm only saying this here because they won't read it here, and I hate being self pitying when they have these problems and wouldn't want to them to know I feel this way right now. It just reinforces how useless I am, how incompetent, and how plain dumb I am.

    I feel like my best years are behind me, which sounds stupid for a 32 year old, but I do. 12 years with my wife, 2 with another fiance, my academic career is screwed, and now I struggle to even keep my head above water. People think more of me than I deserve. I don't even know if I drove my family away or if they drove me away. I just have nothing of worth to offer the world. I'm a leech; I leech financially from society and emotionally from the people brave enough to remain in my life. Reminds me of that line from Dickens about "[decreasing] the surplus population."

    I'm dreading trying to get through the weekend, let alone this next week. It looks like I have some serious problems in terms of my physical health and it's up to me whether I choose to solve them. It's very tempting to simply ignore it and let natural selection take its course.

    [EDIT:] I should have added that one medication I need is something I've refused because it poses too high a risk. I'm my own worst enemy regarding meds because I know a fair bit about them from my studies and this one would be easy to use very badly and I just don't trust myself with it right now.The temptation is to accept it and know that I might well misuse it and do something final -- at least have that option. There aren't any safer alternatives, and I'm basically kind of withholding my choice by not telling anyone that's what's on my mind :/
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2014
  9. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, we all get low and wonder why bother with life. All I can say is keep posting and people here will support. Please take care. Just take one day at a time. Respect.
     
  10. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I just give up. Another week? Seriously? I'm useless. I'm never going to get better and I'm just wasting space. Other people get on with their lives and I just sit here complaining. Why even bother? My best friend asked today and I told them what I've been thinking of doing. They know how, and they know it could happen.

    would probably be best for everyone.
     
  11. xeddie

    xeddie New Member

    Hey I'm there...three wives and actually living with my ex girlfriend but if you REALLY want a story I will tell you. but be quick...I'm checkin out....can't take it anymore
     
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