No idea

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Thissong, Aug 22, 2012.

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  1. Thissong

    Thissong New Member

    The simple fact of the matter is that if I killed myself tonite my mom, brothers and "friends" wouldn't cry because they miss me. They wouldn't cry because they regret they way they treated me. They would cry because they wouldn't want people to know how shitty they are. They wouldn't want anyone to know that even after I had put my life on hold to help them everytime they needed me, they only want me around to make their own lives easier. When my mom lost her job, I had to support my family. I was 17. I was about to go to college. I had to put that on hold so her and my brother could eat. So they had a place to live. When my other brother got out of jail I let him stay with me. How did he show his gratitude? He let his friends rob me. He sat on the couch all day everyday. He talked to me like dirt in front of my friends. Now his friends get to treat me like a worthless nobody and if I stand up for myself I get treated like a bully. Like I think I'm better than everyone. Anytime I try to make things better they all act like they hate me. Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being there for the people that talk down to me. I'm tired of being told I'm a bully just because I want respect. Because I want to be treated the same. I'm sick of hearing these people talk bad about each other behind each others back and trying to get me to be two faced like them. I am better than that. I am better than these people. I hate these people. I want to leave. If I knew for a fact that there was an afterlife I would walk the 3 blocks to the <NyJmpMaster- edit- Methods>. I don't even care if the afterlife would be heaven or hell. As long as it wouldn't be here. If it was some purgatory where nothing existed except for my own thoughts. At least I would have no worries. I hate this world. I hate people as a whole. There are the occasional few that aren't bad. But they are 1% of the population. And society labels them as insane extremists. I don't want to be a human. I hate it. Humans are the most twisted and cruel thing to ever exist. The most ignorant and arrogant beings imaginable. I wish I could find a group of people dedicated to evolving into something better than what we are. Ever since I can remember I've felt like I was different. Like I was on the outside watching these things called people. Watching them lie and kill and consume and hurt. And I'll never understand how people can pretend like they are the superior beings on this planet. If earth was an animal we would be the flesh eating bacteria. An animal kills to survive. A human kills for fun. Just to create the illusion of safety. Humans kill other humans for nothing. The average member of society is either ignorant to the core or a flat out sociopathic. I hate so intensely now. Why? Hate as a verb, not a noun. I don't have hate. I can't keep hate in a box. It's something I do. Do I have hate in my heart? In my mind? Then do a biopsy and show me what hate looks like. Let me hold hate in my hand. The same for love. Cut a piece of love out of my heart and show it to me. Cut a chunk of respect or compassion out of my chest and let me see it. You can't. How can you give me a verb? Give me a run, give me a throw. It's impossible. Show me. That's real. Show me love. Show me how you love. Show me how you hate. And then tell me how you did it. And please tell me why you did it. Was it an instinct or did you just do it because you saw someone else do it. And then tell me why it even mattered in the first place. Give me a statement with facts. I have no use for your opinions. Show me proof that by loving and hating there is a change that matters. Chemicals. Electricity. Light. Sounds. What is a feeling? What is a mind? How do I lose it? Can I find it again? CAN SOMEONE STEAL MY MIND? Can I give my mind to someone else? What about my body? You can give your body to someone. If you give your body away can you keep your mind? Am I my body or am I my mind? Prove it. Show me. I want to die. Just to give you evidence. i hate this body. It's a prison. I hate it because it's not me. It's a machine. It's what forces me to understand pain. I have no choice. Nobody asked me if I wanted to live. Nobody told me that it was gonna hurt. Hate again. I feel it. I feel a verb.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2012
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Throw your brother out, and if still being used by other family cut them off. It is your life, get rid of the users and people that are interfering with your chance to be happy and move on with goals set by you for yourself. Do not let a feeling control your life - take an action (verb) and change things. You control your life ultimately, not a random feeling or emotion.


    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    Thissong, you are closer than you think to the understanding that you seek.

    I can't prove anything to you, but I have no doubt that you are not far from moving through this anger and depression and into acceptance of humanity's condition. Acceptance of this condition is not surrender to it.

    Right now, it seems to me that you are trapped in a fear->anger loop operating in depression. Of course you are not a sociopath or crazy, therefore you direct that anger inward thus contemplating your own demise.

    I've heard and read some good stuff lately and I would be happy to share what I understand and direct you to the sources. One poignant thought comes from Buckminster Fuller, who contemplated his own suicide at the age of 32. This world is like a giant ship in the universe, "Spaceship Earth." He referred to each individual on the ship as a trim tab to the steering mechanism of humanity. Course corrections of giant ships cannot be made sharply, and neither can any one of us steer humanity sharply. You are a trim tab, and essential to humanity travel toward abundance or oblivion. The only certainty in this situation is that if you jump ship then the potential of oblivion is increased (my words).

    You may not like anything in this world - the lies, the hate, the wars, the exploitation. And I understand that it isn't just government, or bankers, or corporations, or secret societies...the problem is every individual. It's your brother, your friends, family, neighbors, local businesses, and church leaders. It is an un-sane world that is headed toward disaster unless this ship can be steered by small individual course corrections! We are "Humans In Universe" on "Spaceship Earth", and your brother is ignorant of this truth. His friends are ignorant of this truth...

    but YOU are very, very close to the truth you seek.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think it is time to chart your own path...what makes all these morons more tolerable is to know you will not be with them in the long run...go to school, get what you need and let them vegetate...whatever they say or do is their problems and while you are creating your future, it will be clearer...do not hurt yourself over them...they do not sound worth it at all
     
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