The simple fact of the matter is that if I killed myself tonite my mom, brothers and "friends" wouldn't cry because they miss me. They wouldn't cry because they regret they way they treated me. They would cry because they wouldn't want people to know how shitty they are. They wouldn't want anyone to know that even after I had put my life on hold to help them everytime they needed me, they only want me around to make their own lives easier. When my mom lost her job, I had to support my family. I was 17. I was about to go to college. I had to put that on hold so her and my brother could eat. So they had a place to live. When my other brother got out of jail I let him stay with me. How did he show his gratitude? He let his friends rob me. He sat on the couch all day everyday. He talked to me like dirt in front of my friends. Now his friends get to treat me like a worthless nobody and if I stand up for myself I get treated like a bully. Like I think I'm better than everyone. Anytime I try to make things better they all act like they hate me. Well, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being there for the people that talk down to me. I'm tired of being told I'm a bully just because I want respect. Because I want to be treated the same. I'm sick of hearing these people talk bad about each other behind each others back and trying to get me to be two faced like them. I am better than that. I am better than these people. I hate these people. I want to leave. If I knew for a fact that there was an afterlife I would walk the 3 blocks to the <NyJmpMaster- edit- Methods>. I don't even care if the afterlife would be heaven or hell. As long as it wouldn't be here. If it was some purgatory where nothing existed except for my own thoughts. At least I would have no worries. I hate this world. I hate people as a whole. There are the occasional few that aren't bad. But they are 1% of the population. And society labels them as insane extremists. I don't want to be a human. I hate it. Humans are the most twisted and cruel thing to ever exist. The most ignorant and arrogant beings imaginable. I wish I could find a group of people dedicated to evolving into something better than what we are. Ever since I can remember I've felt like I was different. Like I was on the outside watching these things called people. Watching them lie and kill and consume and hurt. And I'll never understand how people can pretend like they are the superior beings on this planet. If earth was an animal we would be the flesh eating bacteria. An animal kills to survive. A human kills for fun. Just to create the illusion of safety. Humans kill other humans for nothing. The average member of society is either ignorant to the core or a flat out sociopathic. I hate so intensely now. Why? Hate as a verb, not a noun. I don't have hate. I can't keep hate in a box. It's something I do. Do I have hate in my heart? In my mind? Then do a biopsy and show me what hate looks like. Let me hold hate in my hand. The same for love. Cut a piece of love out of my heart and show it to me. Cut a chunk of respect or compassion out of my chest and let me see it. You can't. How can you give me a verb? Give me a run, give me a throw. It's impossible. Show me. That's real. Show me love. Show me how you love. Show me how you hate. And then tell me how you did it. And please tell me why you did it. Was it an instinct or did you just do it because you saw someone else do it. And then tell me why it even mattered in the first place. Give me a statement with facts. I have no use for your opinions. Show me proof that by loving and hating there is a change that matters. Chemicals. Electricity. Light. Sounds. What is a feeling? What is a mind? How do I lose it? Can I find it again? CAN SOMEONE STEAL MY MIND? Can I give my mind to someone else? What about my body? You can give your body to someone. If you give your body away can you keep your mind? Am I my body or am I my mind? Prove it. Show me. I want to die. Just to give you evidence. i hate this body. It's a prison. I hate it because it's not me. It's a machine. It's what forces me to understand pain. I have no choice. Nobody asked me if I wanted to live. Nobody told me that it was gonna hurt. Hate again. I feel it. I feel a verb.