No interest in life whatsoever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OutCaste, Jul 8, 2008.

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  1. OutCaste

    OutCaste Well-Known Member

    I don't havee a social life since I was a child but only enemies, I never went to parties, lost my first job and currently in a job that i am barely holding, malicious rumors(which were true actually) were spread about me 3 years back at college. They are still circulating and I can bet that they won't stop because of the nature of the rumour. It just keep spreading and I know its my fault for being stupid. My faimly is dysfunctional. I managed to get my college degree but lost my first job because I ran into these people who tormented me back in college. After that I was unemployed for 4-5 months and went through extreme depression. I decided to go for my masters in USA so that I could escape from reality for a while. But to my utter dismay, I learnt that many of my cbullies including the ones who harassed me are also going over there and some of them have already completed or have just started their masters program. There are many of them .Almost my whole college. The the rumour will spread in america too. the whole world will laugh. I am feeling like tearing apart this US visa paper right now. Flight is scheduled next month. Some times I hope that the flight bursts in mid air (with only me inside it). What is the point when I know that I will only live another hell there. And that too in a foreign country. I keep thinking what would happen if I run into people from college that made my life unbearable.I have alerady wasted a lot of my parents money and the truth is that I cannot do anything because I lack social skills. Everyone and I mean everyone thinks that Im a joke. I look like a bufoon with blood shot eyes, swollen skin, beer belly and an awkward stance. Even at my current job, I don't speak to anyone and nooone speaks to me. I prefer it this way but I knw others don't like it. They think of me as an obligation. I really don't want to live anymore under this constant duress. There is not 1 thing in my life which is good or correct. Sometimes they tease me and ask offensive questions. What is the point in this kind of abnormal life. 0 motivation to do anything at all. Why does god allow idiot shits lik me to live but he does not allows other great people to live ? I can't even get up on time and go to office. I wake up in the noon and have to hear things everyday. embarassment everyday. Parents are always abusing me in the worst possible way calling me words equivalent of bastard, manwhore etc. I think my days are over. I just need a easy method. that's all.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 8, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    There are so many colleges and universities in the USA. If the people bullying you are attending the same one you are planning to attend, then go somewhere else. I don't think it will be as easy to spread the rumors in the US as it is a fairly big country with many miles in between things. Don't fret what hasn't yet happened. It will only make you feel worse. You do not have to be around those people. Take a deep breath and try to relax. :hug:
  3. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    You know... from my own expiriance, things like that can change in-no-time.
    I used to be like you in highschool, i had 2 freands, but not as real freands
    i fall into deep depression while i was in there, yet after 2 years things changed
    its like i made a deal with the devil or somthing like that, and i regret for it.
    I start to act like "goth" tipe guy who dont cares about anything
    I start to dress all black and every time someone wanted to harm me in any way
    i unleashed a total destruction on him (throwing chairs.. tables.. an all that)
    I was droped out of the high school, but in the same time
    i found many freands, with them i used to go to partys, drink, smoke
    i used to know so many girls that i dont even remember them all.
    People that i dont know started to call me, inviting me to join them to night clubs
    I start to use drugs... well you got the point...

    I know its extrime, but many in your possition may think that "diffrent" life
    is better, its not true! and i will give it all just to have another chance to
    change everything, to go back to my 17s and to finish school. yet i cant.

    If you want a tip, well my advise for you is to ignore those who harm you
    try to be "cool", i found music as a good and socialy helpfull hobby.
    Dont be too nice to people!! Many of them are assholes in discuisee...
    When people will ask you about rumors, just show them whos in charge
    dont be afraid to use dirty words and to fight if needed.
    Many may say its not a very good advise, but this is what my expiriance telling me,
    and i used to be respected, with many freands, and knew many girls..
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