Valentines Day most assuredly contributed to this state I am in. Triggers. However.. I want to end it. I am in my mid 20's. I have been struggling with ending it for 3 years now. I believe God has saved my life, saved me from doing it once already. But.. I just do not want to go on. I want out. I want to cash my chips in and leave. It is so weird. Wanting to die but still a piece inside of me is upset and hasn't let me do it yet. I understand my speech, sentence structure.. the words are cut short, the sentences incomplete. I just don't have the energy to care about it right now... sorry. but what else do I do? I am here on this forum now, hoping that someone replies and gives me insight, something I haven't thought of. And also, to share with you what has been a hell of a life, so far. - very attached to my father, loved him with all of my heart. He died of a heart attack in front of me, in the living room, when I was six years old. Fell the to floor clutching his chest. Mother lied to me about it, said he was in the hospital. Then she said he was working late, or that he already woke up early to go to work. I would sleep in his bed to try and catch him. Obviously never worked. She didn't even let me go to his funeral. Nuns at my Catholic school had to tell me he died. - Mother, bipolar and multiple personality disorder. Was diagnosed, but then got mad at the psychiatrist and never went back and never took medicine. I have since put 2+2 together, that she is the cause of my father's heart attack because she was cheating on him. I know this, because when I was around 5 yrs old or so, she used to take me with her to sit on the couch of her secret lover. I was yelled at and told to stay sitting on the couch, while she went in the bathroom to take a shower with this stranger and then sexual things would happen in the bedroom, with the door open so I could pretty much see what was going on. I told my father what happened, as I was only 5 and didn't know any better that it would cause him stress. She was crazy, I remember her trying to hit my father with a broom simply because he wanted to relax at home instead of go out. - So, after my father died, my mother and I moved to another state. She then got herself a new boyfriend. An alcoholic. Would come home drunk and they would yell at each other all night. I remember having to stay up all night watching them because I was scared he might beat my mother up, become physically violent. I had to be ready to call the cops, I would think to myself. He also did hit me a few times, and when I was 10 years old, made me cry when he tried to hit me, and I said I wish my father was here, and he told me he would beat my father up and he called my dead father names. So it hurt me deeply and I cried. And then he hit me again. He was the first person I ever hated. - Throughout all of this, I was doing well in school. Thankfully, I was intelligent so I didn't have to study much yet still scored highly on all of my exams. I think it was because I liked to read a lot. I wanted to be a cardiovascular surgeon. I knew this is what I wanted to do since around age 10 or 11. Inspired by my father's death, I guess. - When it was time to go to high school, I applied and was accepted into the best magnet school in the city. I got into the medicine program. Everything was fine until my face then broke out in -severe- acne. Really, really bad, the worst kind of acne. I was disfigured, basically. From a handsome guy, to an outcast. I fell into a severe depression. I did not want to go to school anymore. I would put my head down in all classes so nobody would look at me. All of my grades fell. Girls completely changed. They went from having crushes on me and openly telling me that in middle school, to straight up going "eww!" to my face. Basically, I never wanted to leave my room again, or speak to anyone, or have anyone look at me. - My crazy mother then took it upon herself to physically and emotionally abuse me. Here is why : Since I was depressed and didn't want ANYONE to look at me, including her, and since I was never coming out of my room, she thought I hated her. So what did she do? She -routinely- would wake me up in the middle of the night with a belt, switch on the lights, and start hitting me with a belt. She would scream "TELL ME THAT YOU HATE ME, ALREADY!"..... She even chased me around the house with a belt and a crazy look on her face. Gets me angry just remembering this stuff. - Thankfully, I soon grew many inches, to 6'3 in height, which meant that her and her boyfriend's physical abuse came to an end. I was bigger and stronger than both of them, so they could no longer touch me as I would put a stop to it if they tried. The violence stopped. - The school was worried about me, so they sent HRS and counselors to my house to see what was going wrong. They were going to charge my mother with child abuse and neglect, because I was diagnosed with severe depression by the doctors. She promised to comply with getting me help, so they didn't charge her with anything. - By now, I could no longer stay in my magnet school. Grades too low. So I was kicked out and had to go to regular high school. I was on psychiatric medicine too, I believe it was Wellbutrin and Prozac at different times. - I was 16 and wanted to die. I had no friends. Disfiguring acne. Depression was really bad. I tried to run away from home. Police brought me back. I told them I did not want to stay there anymore, I was going crazy... they just told me to go back inside and nothing happened. - Then... one day, I was feeling bad in my heart about my situation with my mother. After my father passed, she was all I had left, really. So I went to her room and knocked on the door, wanting to fix things and bring some love to the situation. She yelled from behind the door "WHAT THE F--- DO YOU WANT?"........ that was it. I snapped. My brain shut off and I was crying and I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I got a knife from the kitchen and I was screaming I was going to kill myself. I started to cut my arm in several places, she then tried to stop me and she got cut. - Result? I went to jail. When the police interrogated me, I accepted all the blame. I didn't care anymore. I wanted to destroy myself. They asked me, did you want to kill yourself and your mother, I said yes. Which was a lie, but I said it anyway because I didn't care anymore. yes yes yes, I did this, I did that. Bam, now I'm screwed. - Police then go to court and lie. They say things that never happened. While I am going to court, I am in jail from the age of 16 to 18. I never once got into trouble in the jail and I was made a trusted trustee by all of the correctional officers. It would have gotten resolved sooner, but the State Attorney wanted to nail me and say I had no history of depression, I wasn't on medication, I wasn't seeing therapists for severe depression, etc.. basically, trying to make me out as this horrible, healthy minded person. I was the crazy one. - Finally, my case is resolved. I was sentenced to an inpatient program to treat depression. Was there for another 6 months. Never got into trouble here either. Successfully completed the program, and had to continue seeing doctors when I left. - So, from all this mess, I could no longer be a doctor, because of this new criminal record (aggravated battery). Ok, I said. No big deal. I will just do something else, and rebuild my life in another way. Everything will be OK. By now, my acne wasn't as bad, and I was a much stronger person. Other people didn't affect me anymore. - Struggled very hard to find employment. Even min wage. Everything was hard. - My new life goal : To fall in love and build a family/beautiful life together with a good woman. Within 6 months of being home, I thought I found it. She was loving and sweet, everything. Soulmates, true love, everything. -We got engaged after 2 years. We named our future children. She adored me. I loved her, and always made sure to tell her that I did. - Long story short, she abandoned me couple weeks before. One day, everything is fine and she -adores- me. 2 days later, she is "not in love with you anymore". I see. So much for "no matter what, I will never want to lose this" huh? - She changed her number and moved to another state, cold turkey. Bam. Gone. Never spent more than a day apart for years, then suddenly poof. Gone. No warning. Not a single "I am unhappy about X and we should talk about it"... nothing. Out of the blue. Since then, what exactly is there for me to do? Do you see what I have had to go through? She left 3 years ago. Do you know what I have been doing since then? Nothing. I am a zombie. I wake up, do what I have to, and go back to sleep. My free time is spent playing video games or watching movies that do not trigger me, so that my brain does not have time to think about anything. I do NOT want to try again with another woman. I don't want another woman. I also DO NOT want her back either. She can never undo what she did, so that's over with and I never want to speak to her again. Not much good that, though, because she hasn't even tried to speak to me. Quite odd. I don't want love again. I don't want a family anymore. I'm just done with it all. I don't want anything else. I just want to die. I want out of this planet. I want to leave. People are cruel, and greedy, and mean. I don't mix well here. It's just not for me. There is NOTHING on planet earth that is left for me. I am not interested in anything that is left. So everyday when I go to bed, I ask God to let me die in my sleep. Please. Please. I don't want to wake up anymore. Can anyone out there tell me something I haven't thought of yet? and thank you for reading, I know it was long.