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No interest to go on.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BadHand, Feb 15, 2013.

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  1. BadHand

    BadHand New Member

    Valentines Day most assuredly contributed to this state I am in. Triggers.

    However.. I want to end it. I am in my mid 20's. I have been struggling with ending it for 3 years now. I believe God has saved my life, saved me from doing it once already. But.. I just do not want to go on. I want out. I want to cash my chips in and leave. It is so weird. Wanting to die but still a piece inside of me is upset and hasn't let me do it yet.

    I understand my speech, sentence structure.. the words are cut short, the sentences incomplete. I just don't have the energy to care about it right now... sorry.

    but what else do I do? I am here on this forum now, hoping that someone replies and gives me insight, something I haven't thought of. And also, to share with you what has been a hell of a life, so far.

    - very attached to my father, loved him with all of my heart. He died of a heart attack in front of me, in the living room, when I was six years old. Fell the to floor clutching his chest. Mother lied to me about it, said he was in the hospital. Then she said he was working late, or that he already woke up early to go to work. I would sleep in his bed to try and catch him. Obviously never worked. She didn't even let me go to his funeral. Nuns at my Catholic school had to tell me he died.

    - Mother, bipolar and multiple personality disorder. Was diagnosed, but then got mad at the psychiatrist and never went back and never took medicine. I have since put 2+2 together, that she is the cause of my father's heart attack because she was cheating on him. I know this, because when I was around 5 yrs old or so, she used to take me with her to sit on the couch of her secret lover. I was yelled at and told to stay sitting on the couch, while she went in the bathroom to take a shower with this stranger and then sexual things would happen in the bedroom, with the door open so I could pretty much see what was going on. I told my father what happened, as I was only 5 and didn't know any better that it would cause him stress. She was crazy, I remember her trying to hit my father with a broom simply because he wanted to relax at home instead of go out.

    - So, after my father died, my mother and I moved to another state. She then got herself a new boyfriend. An alcoholic. Would come home drunk and they would yell at each other all night. I remember having to stay up all night watching them because I was scared he might beat my mother up, become physically violent. I had to be ready to call the cops, I would think to myself. He also did hit me a few times, and when I was 10 years old, made me cry when he tried to hit me, and I said I wish my father was here, and he told me he would beat my father up and he called my dead father names. So it hurt me deeply and I cried. And then he hit me again. He was the first person I ever hated.

    - Throughout all of this, I was doing well in school. Thankfully, I was intelligent so I didn't have to study much yet still scored highly on all of my exams. I think it was because I liked to read a lot. I wanted to be a cardiovascular surgeon. I knew this is what I wanted to do since around age 10 or 11. Inspired by my father's death, I guess.

    - When it was time to go to high school, I applied and was accepted into the best magnet school in the city. I got into the medicine program. Everything was fine until my face then broke out in -severe- acne. Really, really bad, the worst kind of acne. I was disfigured, basically. From a handsome guy, to an outcast. I fell into a severe depression. I did not want to go to school anymore. I would put my head down in all classes so nobody would look at me. All of my grades fell. Girls completely changed. They went from having crushes on me and openly telling me that in middle school, to straight up going "eww!" to my face. Basically, I never wanted to leave my room again, or speak to anyone, or have anyone look at me.

    - My crazy mother then took it upon herself to physically and emotionally abuse me. Here is why : Since I was depressed and didn't want ANYONE to look at me, including her, and since I was never coming out of my room, she thought I hated her. So what did she do? She -routinely- would wake me up in the middle of the night with a belt, switch on the lights, and start hitting me with a belt. She would scream "TELL ME THAT YOU HATE ME, ALREADY!"..... She even chased me around the house with a belt and a crazy look on her face. Gets me angry just remembering this stuff.

    - Thankfully, I soon grew many inches, to 6'3 in height, which meant that her and her boyfriend's physical abuse came to an end. I was bigger and stronger than both of them, so they could no longer touch me as I would put a stop to it if they tried. The violence stopped.

    - The school was worried about me, so they sent HRS and counselors to my house to see what was going wrong. They were going to charge my mother with child abuse and neglect, because I was diagnosed with severe depression by the doctors. She promised to comply with getting me help, so they didn't charge her with anything.

    - By now, I could no longer stay in my magnet school. Grades too low. So I was kicked out and had to go to regular high school. I was on psychiatric medicine too, I believe it was Wellbutrin and Prozac at different times.

    - I was 16 and wanted to die. I had no friends. Disfiguring acne. Depression was really bad. I tried to run away from home. Police brought me back. I told them I did not want to stay there anymore, I was going crazy... they just told me to go back inside and nothing happened.

    - Then... one day, I was feeling bad in my heart about my situation with my mother. After my father passed, she was all I had left, really. So I went to her room and knocked on the door, wanting to fix things and bring some love to the situation. She yelled from behind the door "WHAT THE F--- DO YOU WANT?"........ that was it. I snapped. My brain shut off and I was crying and I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I got a knife from the kitchen and I was screaming I was going to kill myself. I started to cut my arm in several places, she then tried to stop me and she got cut.

    - Result? I went to jail. When the police interrogated me, I accepted all the blame. I didn't care anymore. I wanted to destroy myself. They asked me, did you want to kill yourself and your mother, I said yes. Which was a lie, but I said it anyway because I didn't care anymore. yes yes yes, I did this, I did that. Bam, now I'm screwed.

    - Police then go to court and lie. They say things that never happened. While I am going to court, I am in jail from the age of 16 to 18. I never once got into trouble in the jail and I was made a trusted trustee by all of the correctional officers. It would have gotten resolved sooner, but the State Attorney wanted to nail me and say I had no history of depression, I wasn't on medication, I wasn't seeing therapists for severe depression, etc.. basically, trying to make me out as this horrible, healthy minded person. I was the crazy one.

    - Finally, my case is resolved. I was sentenced to an inpatient program to treat depression. Was there for another 6 months. Never got into trouble here either. Successfully completed the program, and had to continue seeing doctors when I left.

    - So, from all this mess, I could no longer be a doctor, because of this new criminal record (aggravated battery). Ok, I said. No big deal. I will just do something else, and rebuild my life in another way. Everything will be OK. By now, my acne wasn't as bad, and I was a much stronger person. Other people didn't affect me anymore.

    - Struggled very hard to find employment. Even min wage. Everything was hard.

    - My new life goal : To fall in love and build a family/beautiful life together with a good woman. Within 6 months of being home, I thought I found it. She was loving and sweet, everything. Soulmates, true love, everything.

    -We got engaged after 2 years. We named our future children. She adored me. I loved her, and always made sure to tell her that I did.

    - Long story short, she abandoned me couple weeks before. One day, everything is fine and she -adores- me. 2 days later, she is "not in love with you anymore". I see. So much for "no matter what, I will never want to lose this" huh?

    - She changed her number and moved to another state, cold turkey. Bam. Gone. Never spent more than a day apart for years, then suddenly poof. Gone. No warning. Not a single "I am unhappy about X and we should talk about it"... nothing. Out of the blue.

    Since then, what exactly is there for me to do? Do you see what I have had to go through? She left 3 years ago.

    Do you know what I have been doing since then? Nothing. I am a zombie. I wake up, do what I have to, and go back to sleep. My free time is spent playing video games or watching movies that do not trigger me, so that my brain does not have time to think about anything.

    I do NOT want to try again with another woman. I don't want another woman. I also DO NOT want her back either. She can never undo what she did, so that's over with and I never want to speak to her again. Not much good that, though, because she hasn't even tried to speak to me. Quite odd.

    I don't want love again. I don't want a family anymore. I'm just done with it all. I don't want anything else. I just want to die. I want out of this planet. I want to leave. People are cruel, and greedy, and mean. I don't mix well here. It's just not for me.

    There is NOTHING on planet earth that is left for me. I am not interested in anything that is left.

    So everyday when I go to bed, I ask God to let me die in my sleep. Please. Please. I don't want to wake up anymore.

    Can anyone out there tell me something I haven't thought of yet? and thank you for reading, I know it was long.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry hun your life has been a living hell for you You are a fighter hun your are you have come so far do not let this girl destroy you now hun. Do not let her take away your dreams hun please she was cruel to do what she has done You now hun get support therapy get it now so you can heal You put yourself out there again when you are stronger you hun do something for YOU ok You something you would enjoy doing. Do something you always wanted to do hun just do it bring some life back into your soul.

    Keep talking hun here ok the loss you are feeling is so painful but that pain will decrease it will and you need to know that you do deserve happiness you do You just cannot shut your heart down now hun not after all the hardships you have endured. hugs
  3. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Your story is very moving. You clearly have had a truly terrible life, filled with profound loss, grief, abuse and neglect, and yet through all of it you are here, trying so hard just to reach out, to find the love that you so clearly deserve. I'm sorry if that sounds sentimental, but I am grateful that you have spent your time to write something so affecting.
    From a practical point of view, I would suggest, if possible, signing up for classes, exercising, seeing a therapist, reading up on complex-ptsd and retraumatization and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross + Raymond A. Moody.
    Take things gently, your at a point where all you need to do is heal. I wish you all the best.
  4. BadHand

    BadHand New Member

    God bless you, I hope you have everything you want in life, and that you are happy in your life.

    I have checked this thread many times in the 1 year since I wrote it, to read the 2 replies it had. I still feel the same. I feel like an executed soul. I am dead inside, and it is permanent, I am sure of it.

    My passion is gone, my fire has been extinguished. I am of no use any longer. I don't want a woman, I don't want a wife, nor even a girlfriend. I don't want hobbies, I don't want goals, I don't want happiness. I have been this way since that woman left me. No, I don't want her back. It's just that event.... when she finished destroying my heart and executing my soul...... that event nailed the coffin and placed me inside of it. There's no coming back for me. I just don't see it. Nothing has changed in the handful of years since she left, and the 1 year since I wrote this thread.

    I want to die but I keep holding myself back and I cannot actually kill myself. I don't know what, but I can't actually go through with it.

    I took your suggestions to heart, and I read the 2 replies many times over the past year. Many times when I sat here alone, with the same numb, dead void of feeling and desire..... I read the posts and see what else I could do on these suggestions.

    Exercising does not work. My sadness is not a chemical imbalance, or some other similar problem. I can't exercise my way into the indirect release of dopamine, and have that change my feelings on my life, philosophy, and overall desire to want to just leave this life.

    I tried joining activities, signing up for things. I joined a Church group's activities. I helped the homeless. Eventually, I stopped going to this group though as it didn't help and ultimately made me uncomfortable. One of the women a little younger than me, a college aged young woman, developed feelings for me. It made me uncomfortable, as I am not interested at all in any relationship whatsoever. She persisted, asking me for hugs, trying to get my attention, trying to make me fall for her, but what she doesn't know is I am a black soul inside that is not capable of wanting anything anymore. So, that became too uncomfortable for me, and also brought up old feelings of anxiety from when I was in middle and high school and had acne, and girls went from having crushes on me to being disgusted by me. It's all temporary and shallow anyway, and it brought those feelings back. I just stopped going.

    I can't really talk my way out of this with a therapist. The usual "It will get better" phrases and such, and working towards goals one at a time so that you transform your life for the better........ these things do not interest me. I know it can get better. I know that. I just have no desire to get better. I don't want to continue in this game anymore. Work hard, try hard, laugh, cry, good times, bad times, etc.. I am just done. It's a raw deal, this human existence, and life beat me over the head too many times. Some people, they can take it because they are interested in certain things. Me? I can't, because I can't find interest in simple things that most people do. I really don't care about material things. The one thing I did care about, which made me able to take a beating and keep going, was the dream of a loving wife and a family. But that dream was taken from me, in a cruel fashion, and I simply have -0- interest, 0%, none, zero, nada interest in trying again. I will not, and I do not want it anymore. I do not want any responsbility thrust onto me anymore, I don't want anyone else's problems onto me, and all of this happens with a family. So, no, I am done. That woman who destroyed me, destroyed what was left of my heart.

    So really, I have absolutely no reason to want to get up in the morning. I am dead inside. I have been this way for several years now. There is no curing me. I don't think there is any remedy for an executed soul. I am done. Now it's just a matter of killing myself, or simply breathing day in, day out, and prolonging the torture and continue being a good little worker ant at the slave jobs we have to go to daily, until I die of old age, unhappy and alone. I will go to my grave like this.

    Really, this is just a matter of ending my own life. What's weird though, is that it's very hard to do. I will -not- do it with a knife, because I find that to be quite grotesque, and it prolongs suffering. Why would I want to bleed out, slowly feeling the warmth of my body leave me, as I get colder and colder and wallow in the sight of my own blood? I am not a masochist here. I want to end it quickly. So knives are out. I don't own a gun.. and throwing myself off of a secluded building is No-Go too. I don't want to have even more grief and anxiety during the final 5-10 seconds of my life while in freefall, falling to my death. I don't want my brain to think anything. If there was a button I could press to just shut it off, I would do it.

    The whole situation is weird, because something is keeping me from killing myself. I don't know what. Is it a biological reaction for survival? Because every other part of me is ready to die and will not fight anymore. But something is still holding me back from doing it, and I don't know why.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2014
  5. dpla14

    dpla14 Member

    Wow. I can't believe all you have been through and still here... makes me feel like a piece of shit and at the same time grateful for what I had... I came from a great childhood , raised in the 90's with a good economy, vacations, a great loving mother , family (well aside from my dad, he's a very shitty person but I won't get into that) however things have been going downhill for about 8 years now. And lately i'm at the lowest breaking point. I have no money to my name, have to be out of my apartment by the end of the month, no money to move and relying on others to help me. The relationship i've been in has failed... my bf is an alcoholic and has no job, doesn't even try anymore, treats me like shit and makes me feel unwanted and unattractive. He has helped me pay some of my bills and i'm supposed to move in with him however he makes me feel like i'm a constant burden and whenever I bring that up and suggest he just leave me and not feel guilty about being there for me, he says no, that he loves me but I just don't feel it. I want to end things but at this point I have no other option but to move in with him and get another job so i can try and make some money to save up and move. I realize I have things to be grateful for .. a roof over my head, a loving parent (who unfortunately is across the continent) ... but no one in my family has had to deal with depression so they don't understand when I try and tell them what it's like. Right now i'm a freelance artist (2 degrees and a ton of debt) and it barely makes me enough to pay the bills. Art has always been my passion but lately i can't seem to even get motivated enough to do what i love. I attempted back in october went to the hospital for 3 days or so and for a little bit was doing better but then quickly fell back into my depression and suicidal thoughts.
    Anyway, I feel the same way you do... i wish there was just a "button" to press to end things. I myself do not want to bleed out slowly... i used to cut and it is painful enough i can't imagine dying that way. I don't have a gun either but it's scary to think that if i had one in my possession i would have done it already... still thinking about getting one.
    I feel like there is "something" keeping me from killing myself too and i can't put my finger on it. I do not believe in a "God" ... more of higher powers and something else beyond death... whether it's another realm , reincarnation, etc... who knows?
    I don't know what it is the 10% of the time that I feel like i should keep living if it's what you said a "biological reaction for survival"? I just feel like every day is a constant internal struggle with myself to stay alive and i'm tired of fighting.
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