no its to fucking much i DONT WONT BE HERE FOR It ANYMORE! god please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by the gray man, Mar 16, 2007.

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  1. the gray man

    the gray man Member

    ya know....... i know evoryone that talks on these things has problems i mean really bad ones its true and i hate to sound like a dick but i would do ANYTHING to have sevreil of the ones i'v seen and read instead of mine, but thats probly common...
    heh my hands are shaking like crazy right now.. never have like this b4. i haven't sleeped or eatin in days and h i just dont think i can do this anymore. im not druged or dunk or retarded or anything but its just so bad,.mylife... i'm really thinking about haveing myself commited instead couse i really think, no, i know im' crazy but that would just make me hert longer. I have so much rong with me in so many ways. i ... SHIt i dont even know what to say! i think i'm really messed up in the head. i'v gone through so many tromatizing avents and have had so many bad things happen without any good, any good at all! nothing! i just go by day after day studing people and thinking new pholosaphies to find a reasion to live and try and get by but thay all run dry after so little time. From my dad being brain dameged and crippeld since i was 4 to my mom keeping me on riddlein and pupesfully haveing me suffer from mal nutrishion as a child! but then i dont even know if she really did! my mom and dad are seporated and my dad almost littorly thinks my mom is the devil ircarnet, infact he might. and is a achoholic in denile, but he showed me proof that my mom did do it but my mom showed me proof the she dident! i'd believe my dad but my mom has alwas acted so nice but treated me so rong, while my dad acted so horrable but cares so much and just a mounth or 2 ago i found out hes dieing and wont make it past the year. people say the have tryed and the feal so pathetic but i really have! for 11 years! i tryed! SO HARD! but i'm only 17 now and after trying that hard for that long and MY HOL LIFE and giving more then evorything i got and trying evorything! it takes a toll on me "and" my mind. i feal like i lost myself or maby i never even had myself....... it feals like i'm being pulled into a dark and evil vortex of pure hate and malice and misory and pain and suffering annd things i dont have words for, and the only thing keeping me from flying in is a smooth small plank of wood that i'm digging my finger nails into trying to not be sent sailing into the vortex. but it just keeps getting bigger and eviler and more horrable and my fingernails are being ground away and soon no matter how hard i try to hold on i'll still be pulled in anyway...
    I just dont know what to do anymore, i have confrounted my dad about so much but he just got so mad and talks like i'm stuped. and i realize i'm ranting and sound crazy but i'm just..... am i having a nurvies breakdown? but i feal like this all thhe time!
    My dad was drunk treited me so bad and talked to me like i was a retarded 2 yearold in frunt of my mom and 15 year old sister just awhile back that i snaped for the ferst time ever and grabed him by the neck and thretend him and ran him into a wall and we fell over and thay had to break us up.
    My family is so poor and getting poorer, im lossing evorything, we dont even have anuf money to celabrate berthdays in 5 years. i dont have any friends, evoryone DOES hate me, the actuly SAY IT. i'v never gone to school other then 8 grade and now i'v tryed high school by my own idea and had to force my parents off there ass to help get me in and i maneged 2 qourters but then it just got to much and i nearly did alot of bad things i got so pressured and angry but i just had to drop out before i lost it. and if it wasent bad anuff before, now i drink and smoke and have been involved with serius drug stuff and my only friend i had got sent to juvie for a while on my falt! i gave him THE! Theeh heh >...... i keep saying to myself:if i'm going to kill myself and it would all end, why not do evorything i'v been afraid of and just go crazy, be a freekin super hero kinda thing heheheh. but have i really helped anyone? ever? i thought i did but when i reflect and think about it seems that all i couse in the long run is pain and truble. BtW do to varry vaaarrrrry long and complacated seires of events and choices to do the right thing at dramatic cost to myself: iv been locked away from life just stuck in my house cuz people scar me thay alwase just wunt to hert me nad my entire famly hates me or at least my fathers side, its manly cuz i stayed to help him when thay wunted him to die for insureince and shit. thay even stole the house my grandfather left to ME not my dad me and that could have solved so moch. Y does all this shit hapen to me!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! it dont make since its statisticly imposable for this much unlucky and coincadental to happen!.........,,,,,,.' is it me..........? i'm sorry to rant and be a fuck head like this but i . just fon see away to end this horrable pain inside me other then suacide but i'm so scared to do it but i wunt to be dead so badly. its like its a monster eating me from the inside. WHHAAHAAATT SDOOO III DOOO! oh god i just wunt to die pleasze , i cant even cry, i wunt to cry so bad but i have killed so much of my self to stop the pain the fuckin horrabel pain... evoryone laghs at how stuped i am and ii i i I just got to go i'm so fucking sorry world plz evoryone lead a good life and be happy and egnorent cuz i have learned that truly egnorince is more then just bliss. its the way to keep going but i odnt have it... suacide sounds like a magical word to me now. i dont care that my familys all here i just wunt to go into the kichien and get evorything from my dads morphen to the windex and bleach under the sink, i coulld do it right now, just thinking about it makes me almost feal better. what do i have to live for? more of this? the same thing thats been going on my hol life? it ant worth it. please anyone at least patranize me and tell me you care and would cry if i died. but really would ypu? no but i dont care, all anyone has ever done is pretend and patranize me but not even my family cares well only my sister and my pet cat. thats it' out of evoryone i'v ever met just those two really care and my cat will die soon anyway pfth hehe staying alive for a damn cat. but i'v done so much harm to my sister too ( unintenchenuly) but still evoryone would be better off without me. the enitr world would. all my beliefs are right but arer rong. i can just picture them coming in to find my face all over the wall. it would serve them right for what thayv done to me, done to me my holl life. i could get the pills i could get the knife i could get the gun all in secends but what if. but i wunt to so bad
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2007
  2. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    I'd like to talk to you. Do you have AIM? My s/n is 'rysternov' and even though i dont like yahoo, it's the same there. Hope we can talk. Peace.
     
  3. the gray man

    the gray man Member

    for what reason could you possably wunt to talk to me? one so as pethatic at me? i dont have a messenger for i have aboslutly N O O N E A T A L L to talk to.
     
  4. the gray man

    the gray man Member

    only one person has sayed thay wunt to talk to me. so really then no one cares? well thats that then. i am drasticly close to death right now, i alwas have been but now. i'm going to do it i just dont know when. i'm trying to get as drunk and high as i can to work up the curage to do it. truly what IS the point? really why should i strive to have a pritty little house with a wight picit fence and wonderful family even if it was possable? socilizing is'int for me. the world would be betther with me dead. i have anuther major connfeshion. i am not just suacidal, i feal a intence hate greater then i thought emaginable. for evoryone and thing for evory possable reason, even myself, i believe that if i go on i wont just kill myself, i........ will kill many others as well, just the ferst few i know, but then......
    i dont know what to do. i feal myself being riped in half from wunting to kill and get revenge on the world to wunting to save and help evoryone but knowing i cant and have already failed. in a small part of my problems, one part of me hates myself for failing and a other part for wunting to hurt evoryone.
     
  5. Is This It

    Is This It Well-Known Member

    I'd also like to have a chat with you, we could use msn messenger or just pm each other if you like. I'm also 17 so it would be nice to talk to someone who is the same age.
     
  6. the gray man

    the gray man Member

    i updated my profile with my msn
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2007
  7. Is This It

    Is This It Well-Known Member

    ok I've added you to msn
     
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I do think you could be helped by some counseling if you were to choose to accept it. After so many years of being told you were stupid and the other traumatic things that happened to you, it is hard to feel good about yourself or anyone else for that matter.finding the right counselor is not an easy task at best and you may have to search a bit to find one that fits both your needs and your personality. I am also willing to talk to you if you would like. PM me and I will get back to you as soon as possible.
     
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