No job, forgetting my ex, OCD, & unanswered prayers

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Corey1221, Apr 25, 2015.

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  1. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    I posted my intro earlier but I understand this is the place for discussing our feeling.

    Briefly I:

    -I do go to counseling, next visit on the 14th
    -I was on Paroxetine until last month, my doctor helped me quit because I wanted to be happy on my own
    -I'm 29, live with my family because we have room & I help out my mom
    -No job because the ones I get (usually retail) involve managers getting me to quit because they do not like that I went to college or live in the nicer neighborhood here
    -I've got OCD involving physical contamination or equality of others touching things
    -Never got over my ex from 2012, I feel like I'm going to die every night because of how much I regret the little time we had
    -I feel like everything I love is getting contaminated by people I do not like or my family which I do love but for other reasons
    -I wanted to go into law enforcement (my degree is in criminal justice) but nobody is hiring people without experience
    -My mom is trying to get me to move up to North Dakota to find work, I was depressed there before because of the isolation/drastic lifestyle changes

    In 2012, when I graduated college up north I pushed for my family to return the central Florida. I grew up in Ohio, but Florida was our real home before. I wanted to relive the past but get 2nd chances to experience the good entertainment & beaches here. We live in one of the nicer parts of central Florida, taking years of preparing to get here though. My mom is the best but often doesn't understand my hurt inside.

    I know this is going to come off bananas, but back in the fall of 2013 when I was heavily depressed I turned to the Bible more. I've was praying everyday for God to let me revisit the past, to re-experience the lost time with my ex, or to prevent the things that caused the OCD to be more than I could live with.

    I got much better, not just with Christianity but general, trying to live better or be nicer to people. I know it's very unlikely but it gave me what I needed to live on. With no jobs on the horizon, my family is looking to move elsewhere. I cannot handle it, I know we need to just change is tough for me. Even when it's good I usually get depressed from things being too different.

    I was thinking the other night how everyone that is hurting me is on my inside, if I didn't exist there would be no hurt or pain because it's entirely in me. That's why I guess I'm here now.

    I understand from my intro, lots of people have these issues on here right now. I'd like to not only have this place to get my feelings out, but it helps me often to understand others too or offer them kind words. I'm not looking for encouragements really, just want to get this out of me to get relief.


    -I understand not everyone is Christian, I have to mention it here because it is part of my journey right now.
  2. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    and I read it. Change scares me also and I have also been recovering from my past relationship ..nothing stays forever.. Good Luck : )
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Life is important and sometimes it takes time to get over a relationship. The hurt you are feeling will ease over time buts about dealing with one day at a time.

    Some days it's easy and others it's hard. We all struggle in our own way but you have joined a wonderful community that understands what you have experienced. Please do not any feelings but remain strong.
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Good luck getting into law enforcement. Have you considered miltary as an alternative bypass route to get to where you want to be?
  5. ScarlettHurts1990

    ScarlettHurts1990 Active Member

    It sounds like you are going through a lot of tough things right now. As for the job, don't let any manager push you out just because they think you're overqualified, although I would still keep looking for a job in which to use your degree. Maybe start small and work your way up, that's how a lot of people get the careers they want. Having OCD must make everything seem even more complicated- that's got to be tough! And I totally relate to your desires to relive the past and spend time with your ex. I broke up with my ex-fiance in September and I am nowhere even close to being over her. I cry my eyes out every night and I find myself begging God to let me relive my college years. It is one of the most painful experiences in the world to break up with someone you truly love and I'm sorry you had to go through that! And I don't think it sounds bananas that you turned to religion for support. I am a 100% anti-religious heathen but I have also considered going back to Christianity because I don't know what to do with myself anymore! If you find something that brings you peace, then it's right for you. Keep going!
  6. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    To DrownedFishOnFire, I did try twice back in 2008/2009 but I've been disqualified for the colon resection I had years back. Good point though, but if I would have gotten in I never would have finished college where I met my ex girlfriend.

    To ScarlettHurts1990, thanks very much for your reply. I grew up Christian, praying for 2nd chances was me getting more serious in Christianity thinking it was my only option for restoration. I'm really struggling with it right now and the pain in my chest is the worst it's been in three years. It's tough to read or play video games, exercise, watch TV, etc.

    I have decent skills in video editing so I'm going to try to find work here locally. It'll let me work from home while doing something I view more like fun than work.For the real jobs I want, I'm going to apply to every single one I can online, I'm not giving up.

    My mom informed me the thought of moving back to North Dakota is not happening, we've worked hard to build our lives here the past three years. Our home is nice, her car is under warranty here, no reason to give up. That took like 20% of the pressure off me.

    One of the things that bothers the OCD is when one person like my brother touches something but my sister doesn't, or reverse. For the last two weeks my brother went up to the city where I went to college, going to the places I used to go with my ex, my sister has friends there but with no money is unlikely to ever go. I told my mom not to tell me what was going on so I wouldn't remember the good times and feel sad or let it bother my OCD but she did.

    It hurt me terribly knowing I had prayed for two years to get 2nd chances with my ex, but somebody else in the family got to do it with their friend. My mom was close to divorcing her husband who is from up there recently. They worked everything out recently too. My mom told me she thinks part of it was my fervent prayers. That's great but i was praying for my relationship not hers.

    The Paroxetine withdraws the past three weeks left me tired & weak, dealing with the overwhelming grief is too much right now.
  7. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    Not trying to keep my post near the top, just had weird 24 hours.

    Last night I wrote out 4 donations for $125 each, one of them the effort in Nepal. I felt like it was the right thing to do inside. Good karma or what's the word for it these day. I do not regret it one bit, I have enough money until I get my next job. My thinking was I'll feel better if I help others, plus perhaps it'll let God know how much I need 2nd chances for things right now. There's two good jobs I'm lined up for right now, I'm very excited for that, new info from last time I posted.

    Yesterday I was quite tired from being up the entire night working on my projects or playing video games to get my mind off it.

    One of my dreams involved going to places where 2nd chances in my life would happen, but I begun having freakouts from realizing I was there, like I was there today with everything being wrong. There were no 2nd chances that had taken place. The guilt, OCD, my ex, everything was wrong causing me to try to get out of the city.

    This was quite upsetting to me, even following my thoughts throughout the day, in comparison from the evening before where I had given my donations, feeling well, like everything was going to be OK.

    I'm overcome with terrible feelings right now, the things I'm praying for cannot happen naturally, I feel like I'm bothering my parents too much, I just need to get this out for the night.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Was decent of you to donate. Hope it gets you extra good karma points.

    Must be brutal living with OCD.
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