No job, no reason to leave the house, no purpose

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hawkins, Jun 23, 2014.

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  1. Hawkins

    Hawkins Member

    I have been told that I am "in my prime earning years" in relation to a job. Yet I feel like my life is coming to a close, and to be honest, the thought brings me great comfort. Being alive is torture. I am imprisoned in my own home. I have nowhere to go and even if I did, I'd have no idea how to behave. My mind is an empty void. There's nothing there. No hobbies or interests, not a single thing. Only the knowledge that I will someday die and that the hurting will finally end. I'm watching Kelly & Michael, as there's nothing else to do, and I honestly cannot understand these people. I can't understand anybody on the TV. The things they value, I cannot fathom: jobs, spouses, kids, hopes, dreams, the future, all those things that are so normal and mundane to everyone else, they are completely alien to me. I do not understand. At this point I no longer want to understand. I just want it to be over. I tried "life" and I hated it. I want nothing more to do with it. Yet I can't kill myself, because it would make the small few people who care about me sad. So I have to endure this torturous existence, void of hope, void of anything but anger and pain.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I am sorry that you find such pain in living; I am sure there are many of us who can relate. I have no idea what Kelly and Michael is, but the fact that you find 'every day living' to be so completely without worth rings of a very serious depression. You do not say whether or not you have tried therapy and medications. I do know that while I was unemployed and never left the house I found it far far harder to engage in 'living' than now - work forced a structure on me and a level of socialisation that I was avoiding in my day to day life before work. It helped a great deal. Perhaps it is so hard to understand and engage simply because you are not and have not been doing so. You say you tried life and hated it; how old are you? You say you are in your prime earning years so I have to guess no older than mid thirties - I would suggest that there are probably a great many things that you have no tried, simply due to time, and that writing off 'everything' as tried and hated seems a little heavy handed.

    I recommend you see a doctor and explain honestly how you feel - find out what programs there are in your area for finding work. Get into the habit of going outside and trying to engage. If you cannot kill yourself (Which is a good thing) it seems the only way out of the pain and apathy you are feeling now is to claw your way out. I am not saying it will be easy or pleasant, but at least it can't suck very much more than your current state.

    Take care and be safe :hug:
  3. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    You're not alone in that. I don't watch TV anymore for that reason. A doctor may or may not be able to help you much, depending on many things, but is worth the time or money involved, as body conditions can be involved with emotions.

    I hope you feel welcome here. You always deserve the best.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    omg, I can TOTALLY relate to much of what you wrote. I don't doubt that you want to die, but I believe you just want to learn how to understand life and how to understand what it's all about. I don't think anyone can answer that, you just get your own views and stick of them. For YEARS i did not leave the house, not once, i couldn't understand life at all but as soon as i got counselling i stated getting a tiny bit better at a time, my bedroom was my comfort zone, you have to get out of that. What is the background regarding your education? Do you have friends? I have a job now(well its volunteering,but i love it) and it gives me some sense of purpose,plus ive managed to behave normal and not saying it is easy, only that it can be done :)
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