I have been told that I am "in my prime earning years" in relation to a job. Yet I feel like my life is coming to a close, and to be honest, the thought brings me great comfort. Being alive is torture. I am imprisoned in my own home. I have nowhere to go and even if I did, I'd have no idea how to behave. My mind is an empty void. There's nothing there. No hobbies or interests, not a single thing. Only the knowledge that I will someday die and that the hurting will finally end. I'm watching Kelly & Michael, as there's nothing else to do, and I honestly cannot understand these people. I can't understand anybody on the TV. The things they value, I cannot fathom: jobs, spouses, kids, hopes, dreams, the future, all those things that are so normal and mundane to everyone else, they are completely alien to me. I do not understand. At this point I no longer want to understand. I just want it to be over. I tried "life" and I hated it. I want nothing more to do with it. Yet I can't kill myself, because it would make the small few people who care about me sad. So I have to endure this torturous existence, void of hope, void of anything but anger and pain.