Today is my ex's birthday. For 11 years, I celebrated with him. Every year we would go out and do something fun- drive around, hang out all night even when we had school the next morning. I'd make him a different cake every year, save up for months to buy him gifts just to be able to get him things that he wanted but never had money to buy for himself. Last year, it was easy to miss this day. I cried all day, every day for months after he broke my heart. I didn't even notice that it was the 10th. By the time I snapped out of my tearful coma; it was the end of november and I'd decided that I would rather die than keep crying. I want to die still. Or... again. Or still. I don't know if the feeling has ever left me. I don't know if I'll ever really feel better. I don't know if my heart is ever going to heal. Today is going to be hard. I don't know what to do. All of the men in my life are just out to break my heart and destroy my trust. Why cant I be related to men with integrity? Why couldn't I have fallen in love with someone who had honor and could break up with me in person and explain his actions-- rather than break off an 8 year relationship and engagement over the phone and then never be seen or heard from again. Why does all of this have to be so difficult. Today is going to be a really fucking depressing day.