No longer able to hold on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Evanesce, Sep 15, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    Second post in months, at least now I feel I can let some out and tell you all why I'm feeling like I need to be dead, and why I probably won't make it through the night.
    I used to come on here often, i think I helped a few at some stage, and got help when I used to come on. And then I just disappeared. I wasn't able to spare any time for me. I was caring for a sick husband who had prostate cancer. He made the decision to move closer to his family, and so we up and shifted and left all my supports behind. I also rehomed one of my cats, broke my heart, and had to sell almost half my things in order to fit into a small house. But we shifted, by the end of the first week he could no longer walk. About 5 weeks before he died I had to make the decision to stop all active treatment, as he has been admitted to hospital with an infection in an ulcer on his leg and nothing was working. I got told he would most likely never talk to me again and that he would probably only last 2 days, maximum of 7 days. But that never happened and eventually I took him home. The disease progressed and I watched the man I loved become less him and more disease. He stopped eating and then wasn't able to drink. I cared for him day and night. Waking at all hours to check on him. On the 4th July I started singing to him, I knew he wasn't going to last long and decided to give him more of me one last time. On the 5th July for hours that day I sung songs, ones we had sung together (he had a great voice), at 2:40pm that day I turned off the music. And at 3:01pm he let out his last breathe. The man that was left was a shell of his former self, a skeleton, just like those that came out of the concentration camps but he had died at home with me like he had asked. I'm stuck with that image of him in my head.
    Since then I've had to shift towns again, back to something I can afford to live in on my own. Depression has set in now been like this for some time. I've resisted the urge to go back to self harm. But lately I realise that I have nothing left. I don't get phone calls from anyone, no visitors. Nothing, I am alone. No one to miss me, no one for me to care about. I don't have anyone I can call on and say hey I can't take anymore, I'm not going to survive.
    I'm still unpacking in the new house, except i'm not really, I can't face it. It will never be home.
    I realise that with his last breathe he took most of me with him. I'm no longer really here and don't have the ability to come back from that. Neither do I want to. People will say it's just grief, your just sad, it just takes time.
    Time is something I don't have, my hour glass has but a few grains of sand left in it.
    I don't expect anyone here to understand or even agree with what i've decide, but somehow I just needed to let someone know.
    So this is my in my final hours, waiting and signing off, no longer can I breathe in this cruel world.
     
  2. Professor_Spiff

    Professor_Spiff Active Member

    Fleur...I...I can't tell you how incredibly sad I am that this has happened...I wish I could tell you I understand it, but I know nothing, not even close. But I can tell you that I've missed you a lot, I checked your profile everyday to see if you'd posted something, and I waited for you to come back. I care so much for you, and it would take a little life out of me to see you dead. Many people here love you, and care for you, and I know thinking of starting again, moving on and getting a new life is something you don't even consider, and the pain right now might be too much to bare, but please for us....live for a while longer
     
  3. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Dear Fleurise,

    it is terrible what happened to you and I can understand that you have no more energy picking up all these pieces in your life right now.
    The people here in this forum are the ones that will understand you ,we have all our share of problems,tragedies here.

    Would it be possible for you to put your decision off for a day or two and talk to us ? I am very happy to listen,you can PN me,anything.
    You have reached the bottom of your life,one can see that and there is no point denying it,but you are a very brave woman and somehow I think
    you will come out of this if you give yourself a little bit more time and see what's around the corner.
    Please stay with us.
     
  4. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Hey Fleurise,
    please hold on. There are people who care for you. I don;t know u but I care for you. I don't want you to die. I want you to be happy.
    And I know it's hard to hold on. When you think everythink is against you and there will nobody who stand at your grave,
    but thats wrong.
    Your family, your best friend, people who don't know you (like me :) ), even people you think don't care will crying.
    Just talk to us. Mabye we can help?
    Just let us help!
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please Hun please we help you once please hang on here ok please hun i know you are so sad but you are not alone ok Please pm me anytime i will respond hun please
    You go to hospital for awhile you let them take care of you and you get rest ok you get the help you need hun to hold on hugs
     
  6. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    I survived the night, not sure how much longer I can hold on but still here.
     
  7. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    Thank you, feel hugged from me.
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You will survive another night hun and another one ok it takes time to heal it does please hun give yourself time to heal Reach out for support ok don't suffer alone
     
  9. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    I am alone, haven't seen or heard from anyone for days. Sometimes not sure I still have a voice because I don't talk. I know if I died today no one would find me for a while. There is no one left here who cares. So numb today, numbness is scary, it's my most dangerous time.
     
  10. Blacky

    Blacky Well-Known Member

    We care! I know u don't believe me but we care, because we know that feeling. Loneliness, numbness...
    If I could see you I would hug you and smile at you, because you deserve to be happy.
    Just hang in there for a while.
     
  11. Evanesce

    Evanesce Well-Known Member

    I have started to put things in order, at least I only have one letter to write. The one to whoever finds me, won't need to say much in that, just make sure they know that I am responsible for what they find. I've written a list of what to prepare beforehand, now it's just a matter of going through the list and setting everything up. Numbness at least can give me the ability to make sure I get things right.
    Thanks to those of you for you kind thoughts and words.
    I hope that none of you have to suffer or endure what I have, and for those of you that do and survive, well I'm not as strong as you are.
    I'll remain online for a little while. But remember I won't be suffering after this. Adieu
     
  12. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Please talk to us, I am happy to listen !! I am so sorry you had to experience such terrible times,but you are never alone.For now just stay with us and there will be
    something better around the corner.
    :hug:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.