Second post in months, at least now I feel I can let some out and tell you all why I'm feeling like I need to be dead, and why I probably won't make it through the night. I used to come on here often, i think I helped a few at some stage, and got help when I used to come on. And then I just disappeared. I wasn't able to spare any time for me. I was caring for a sick husband who had prostate cancer. He made the decision to move closer to his family, and so we up and shifted and left all my supports behind. I also rehomed one of my cats, broke my heart, and had to sell almost half my things in order to fit into a small house. But we shifted, by the end of the first week he could no longer walk. About 5 weeks before he died I had to make the decision to stop all active treatment, as he has been admitted to hospital with an infection in an ulcer on his leg and nothing was working. I got told he would most likely never talk to me again and that he would probably only last 2 days, maximum of 7 days. But that never happened and eventually I took him home. The disease progressed and I watched the man I loved become less him and more disease. He stopped eating and then wasn't able to drink. I cared for him day and night. Waking at all hours to check on him. On the 4th July I started singing to him, I knew he wasn't going to last long and decided to give him more of me one last time. On the 5th July for hours that day I sung songs, ones we had sung together (he had a great voice), at 2:40pm that day I turned off the music. And at 3:01pm he let out his last breathe. The man that was left was a shell of his former self, a skeleton, just like those that came out of the concentration camps but he had died at home with me like he had asked. I'm stuck with that image of him in my head. Since then I've had to shift towns again, back to something I can afford to live in on my own. Depression has set in now been like this for some time. I've resisted the urge to go back to self harm. But lately I realise that I have nothing left. I don't get phone calls from anyone, no visitors. Nothing, I am alone. No one to miss me, no one for me to care about. I don't have anyone I can call on and say hey I can't take anymore, I'm not going to survive. I'm still unpacking in the new house, except i'm not really, I can't face it. It will never be home. I realise that with his last breathe he took most of me with him. I'm no longer really here and don't have the ability to come back from that. Neither do I want to. People will say it's just grief, your just sad, it just takes time. Time is something I don't have, my hour glass has but a few grains of sand left in it. I don't expect anyone here to understand or even agree with what i've decide, but somehow I just needed to let someone know. So this is my in my final hours, waiting and signing off, no longer can I breathe in this cruel world.