No Longer Lonely - a dating site for people with mental illness

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Aurora Gory Alice, Dec 6, 2009.

  1. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Has anybody heard about this?

    I found it in the strangest way. I decided one of the things I was lacking was a partner, I truly believe it'll help improve my psyche if I find a partner AND a best friend. I think I need people I can confide in, who I can be there for and who will be there for me.

    But I am SO scared of doing that with 'normal' people, so I googled "Depression and Dating" and this came up.

    Has anyone tried this site? And do you think it's a good idea?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I've heard of it from someone in the chat room! Haven't used it myself but it does sound like it might be worth a shot!
  3. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    Wow. I'm sorry, but this seems like a terrible idea.
    Of course they'll have a better understanding of whats wrong.. but if you're both on a low on the same day.. wow.

    Personally, I wouldn't go near this.
    If someone really cares about them, explaining about whatever condition you have won't freak them out so this site shouldn't make a difference.
    There was a reason that the staff refused to let SF turn into a dating site, after all.

    EDIT: Oh. And I found that when I met my partner, they were my best friend :laugh:
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Have you experienced this first hand Lela? I thought you might be a good person to ask because you're dating Wayne (Red Tears of Ice) right?
    What happens when you are both having a bad day and how do you deal with things?

    I've personally told potential partners about my depression and it's sent them running for the hills, so I'd say - unfortunately - it's wishful thinking that people will just accept and love you for who you are.
    Also those who aren't depressed are more likely to give up when the going gets rough.
  5. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    Out of the two of us, I tend to get the lowest. Which, obviously, brings him down a bit. Which then makes me feel guilty so I feel worse.. you can probably see where this is going? Sometimes you'll purely focus on making the other person feel better, but seeing the other person unhappy can sometimes make you feel worthless. Like you're not making them happy, you don't deserve them. Thinking that you're hurting the only thing positive in your life (and possibly the only thing you really care about) is incredibly painful and.. well, suicide seems completely logical. You wouldn't have to burden them anymore. I'm lucky that he's so strong. On the few occassions I've talked about it, he won't even consider it as an option and just tries to make me feel better again. But it seems likely that a lot of pacts could come out of this. Sort of a "if you do it, I will" thing. Though, the initial "butterfly stage" can be totally misleading. You think you'll never feel down again for a few weeks, but its just a rush of chemicals, I've been told?

    I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience in the past. My mother's relationship is doing fine and she was an extremely heavy sufferer (Is that even a word? :laugh:) but he doesn't have any mental conditions.

    If both partners have, say.. depression, as an example, I worry that it might remove the drive to be more "normal" (I know that sounds terrible, I hope no-one will take that badly as I didn't intend it to sound so) and it is possible to recover from depression. I took a look at the site. All members must have been diagnosed with one of the below:

    "schizophrenia, + schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, personality disorder, post-traumatic disorder, or disassociative disorder, or eating disorder"

    Okay, I understand why two people with OCD might be a good match, if they have chemistry. Schizophrenia I know little about. Two people with eating disorders seems like asking for trouble, though I'm sure others have managed in the past.

    And if you suffered from depression (again, just an example) and you met someone with an ED on there, they might understand just as little as a "normal" person, find it just as difficult to live with and leave when things get tough. Or the same roles reversed.

    Just one last point. The name troubles me. Seems like its aimed at people who are looking on there as a last resort. I know thats fine for some people, but I'd rather have love than companionship. Of course, there are bound to be exceptions to everything I have said etc. I don't really want to have to include a disclaimer on my post, just pretend its there XP
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2009
  6. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It's not for everyone. But it is for me. I have dated people with undiagnosed mental illness before. I've had girlfriends with mental illness before. Those relationships have always been very good because of the mutual understanding. We would in no way bring each other down, but bring each other up. If I was down, and she was down, when we'd get together, we'd both feel better! It was great!

    I am DEFINITELY going to check out this site! :D
    Thanks Alice :heart:
  7. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I think it's a difficult thing to tackle - depressed dating.
    I don't know where my own opinion lies on this topic! lol! Which is almost unheard of.
    But I suppose I look at people who are in successful relationships where both parties are depressed and tell myself the success speaks for itself. It's going to be difficult whichever way you look at it though.
    Personally I think I'm going to give it a try, but keep my wits about me. As I would if I've have joined any dating site. :) Hope everybody from SF that opts to join does the same!
  8. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    It's all well for you to do that, but almost everyone else on that site will just be there thinking that everyone is at there last resort now, so they'll just take anyone. I'm not saying you're just "anyone" but obviously everybody has people they're attracted to both physically and mentally, and people they're not. If someone "settles" for you, not because you're a bad person in any way, but you're just not their.. "type", wouldn't that end up making you feel even worse? Sorry this must have sounded terrible. I'm not saying that you are horrible in any way, you are a very good person, and I have no idea what you look lke. I'm just suggesting that if you wasn't someones type, and they got with you because.. ugh any way I say this sounds terrible. Please understand I do not mean this in a bad way? But if they got with you because they couldn't find someone they likes and were getting tired of looking, wouldn't it make you feel worse instead of you maybe waiting and finding someone who really appreciated you for who you are? Again, apologies. I know it sounds terrible, I don't mean it in a bad way at all, really I don't.
  9. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I'm going to hazard a guess and say that people won't just settle for whoever once they join the site, because if they did their success rate would be through the roof and we would've heard about the website, similar to and other sites that have a high success rate - but I for one, hadn't heard of it.

    Another reason I'm not convinced people 'just settle out of sheer desperation' is because aren't a lot of us on THIS site lonely and in the exact same position? I see threads everyday from people saying they are sick of being single and alone. Yet how many people on this website are dating someone they met on this website?
    I'm guessing not many.... and I'm also guessing the ones that are, are doing so because they made a genuine connection. Not just sheer desperation.

    I dunno, it's like I said - you have to keep your wits about you. I could date anybody, depressed or not depressed and they could be settling for me because they don't want to be alone.
    I don't feel like in joining a depressed dating website I am compromising myself in any way. Just have to hope I am a good enough judge of character to realise when someone is dating me because they will settle for anyone, or when someone is dating me because they actually really like me.
    And I'd say that to everybody.

    How does one know if their partner settled for them or is dating them because they actually really do like them?
  10. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Not a fan of Internet dating.

    Power to you, though.
  11. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    But what if you fund a few people you like, and then you find that every one of them "settles" for you and doesn't really like you that much at all? Wouldn't it make you feel like you'd never find someone for you? By all means, try the site if you really want. Just please think about all of the implications? This could work for you, you're right. Just think about how likely it is, realistically, and whether it's worth risking anything you still have, any hope of finding someone. If you find a constant wave of people who will settle for anyone, then it's just going to make you feel even worse, I fear.
  12. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I guess I can understand that.
    I think 'thankfully' I'm strong enough to be able to deal with that though. If I meet someone who I feel is settling for me and doesn't actually like me, I'll deal with it.
    I know I'm not hideous enough that I can't find a boyfriend - because I can and I have. And I know that, that'll always be in my head, no matter what.
    I'd just RATHER a boyfriend who was suffering from what I am suffering from.

    My belief is that people in ANY walk of life can settle, not just those suffering from depression and mental illness. Because that's like saying "we're all so fucked up our choices are limited, we'll take anybody". Would you have done that? I'm sure you didn't just settle for your girlfriend right?

    What would make a depressed person settle any more than a non depressed person?
  13. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    Something else I meant to throw out there.
    If someone is on that site, they probably have very serious problems and you are going to have to be strong for them. They may not always be able to return the favour. So don't count on them as someone you can always depend on when you need support. Thats what makes relationships like that so damn complicated :tongue:

    Edit: I think the point is that everyone on that site is obviously lonely. Its in the title. So.. it does seem like they're more likely to settle. *shrugs a bit*
    Just how I read it, anyway :)
  14. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah, that's a given though. :) Rough with the smooth!
  15. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    Oh I'm not saying that a depressed person will settle anymore than a non depressed person, but the site name says it in itself? It's like a last resort for people to try, which most people will treat it as. They could be perfectl happy, and still settle for someone if they can't find who they want. Would you be happy with that? You could be blinded for a little while, they someone is is happy and you feel they want you. If you found out later that they didn't, wouldn't it hurt? I know this isn't definately the case. I'd just hate to see people getting hurt because of this.
  16. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I don't think the name helps at all - you're right about that.

    Keeping that in mind, I would advise anybody that tries the site to consider being platonic friends with a person first and letting things develop naturally.

    You're right, finding out somebody had settled WOULD hurt, yes and it would hinder somebodies progress if they were severely depressed and getting better.
  17. Confusticated

    Confusticated Well-Known Member

    Either way it is still your call. I just really wanted you to be aware of both, the good and bad, possible implications. If you already know that it can all go wrong, and why it might not work out, then it would be less of a blow. If you do go through with this, just please be careful. Keep your eyes open. Try not to find someone who'll just settle for you, it may take time, but it will be worth it, keeping the ultimate goal in mind that you'll find someone who likes you for who you really are.
    Best wishes
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2009
  18. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Having worked for a county mental health facility, and seeing all the varying relationships that go on there with patients of varying illnesses (and seeing, also, that the majority of the people who work for mental health, including the psychiatrists, are just as "mental" as the patients - some diagnosed, others not and should be :rolleyes: ), I would venture to say that there's no more or less chance of anything working out on that "connections" site than anywhere else, with the exception of the fact that there would be less initial prejudice - which in itself is a real positive to those who suffer from mental illnesses or other psychologically affective disorders.

    I'd do it, but I'm in absolutely no head space right now for a relationship, when I'm still pondering suicide.
  19. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    For me, that's where the majority of the appeal comes from.
    I can't lie about my depression, I find it very difficult to hide even after a couple of dates, even after the first date! A guy might see my self harm scars and ask about them, and if we've been drinking I'm just like a fountain - it ALL comes out.
    I can't handle the looks on their faces. Of "oh God, she's crazy", I want to go on a date with someone who knows that about me from the get go. That's really all it's about for me.
  20. XXXXX

    XXXXX Antiquities Friend

    It's only a website name :rolleyes: I'm on - and am still alive :sparkle:

    From what I see it is only a means of introduction for those with some first hand understanding of mental illness, but you don't find yerself married upon signing up to the website :rolleyes: An opportunity for some, not a cure for all.

    Of course dating etc with someone who has a few bats loose in the belfy :stars: is gonna throw up a few challenges along the way - but challenges are what life and relationships involve......and no sh#t that two nutjobs in a relationship may be a recipe for disaster - but if both willing to give another in the same boat a chance, then why not?

    FWIW me and the late Missus (late for health issues, not by choice) had a few head problems between us :rolleyes:, can't say we always helped each other - but we understood that sometimes we needed space (and that this need wasn't a personal reflection on the other), accepted that the other wasn't perfect - but loved each other not in spite of our problems / shortcomings but because of them as an inherent part of what made me me and her her. However one thing we never did was use our "problems" as weapons against each other or as an excuse - plenty of stuff to cope with without.....although we shared a willingness to understand, we had enuf of an intolerance of wilful stupidity to not put up with that :sparkle: