No memories, but don't know what to make of this. LONG

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by feathers, Jun 20, 2012.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I have alters but I don't know what caused my alters, don't have memories, flashbacks, and nor do any of my alters. I have suspicions but that is all they are. Part of me thinks maybe I was abused but that's only about 10%, I feel pretty convinced that I wasn't because of the sheer lack of memories or anything. The point of this post is me wanting to know if what I go through is normal or if it does suggest I was abused?

    Firstly, *I* have a lot of difficulty with sexual activity. Before I found my alters, I was okay with sex most of the time, as if my alter was taking over and doing it for me, but ever since I found out I have alters over a year ago, I have only managed to have sex with my boyfriend twice - my alter Sophie does it most of the time, and some other sexual alters. I feel really triggered by sex if I try to have sex or if my BF tries to initiate.

    Secondly, even back then, sometimes I would freak out completely. Mostly involving oral sex either way. I remember when I was at my first serious relationship, I was with the guy two years, 14-16 and we were sexual the whole time. Mostly I would be fine and then sometimes I would be giving him a blowjob or vice versa and I would just freak out and start crying.

    It was very rare, and over the past year, Sophie has been mostly fine with sexual activity, other than a few times of what I explained above. But the past few times we've done anything Sophie has been very triggered... Mostly when receiving oral sex or when he touches/kisses/whatever my breasts. It's just like it triggers and she just really wants him to stop, but most of the time doesn't say anything and just lets him keep doing it, unless she feels so bad that she starts to cry...

    Would this happen in someone who hadn't been abused? I mean, some stuff did happen to me, my first boyfriend at 13 used to pull my top off and play with my breasts even though I'd tried to tell him no, eventually I just let him get on with it even though I didn't like it. Should have left him but I stayed with him 2 months even though he did this on the day we got together.

    My second boyfriend who I was with for a week put his hand in my pants and got me to put mine in his, using pressure. I nearly ended up having sex with him due to this pressure but got the courage to leave him.

    Then I had a long-distance boyfriend who I met up with twice. The first time all was fine, the second time he nearly raped me in a park. It was slightly my own fault though, I did lead him on a bit, say I wanted to have sex, but then when he started coming onto me I freaked out and didn't want to do it, he didn't take no for an answer, pulled me top off in some bushes and sucked on my breasts etc and then put his hand in my pants and started playing with me, and then got his cock out and wanted me to play with that. I kept telling him to stop but he wouldn't. Eventually his parents rang him wanting to meet up, so then I took the opportunity to put my top back on which disappointed him. I told him he'd better go meet up with his parents, so we went to meet them where I had to pretend everything was okay and pose for photos with him and his little siblings.

    Then I had an incident with a boy I didn't even know when I was going over to a potential boyfriends house. He asked me to come with him a sec, I was scared and didn't know what to do so I let him lead me off into a quiet back street where he pushed me against a fence and forced his hands into my top and bra and tried to get in my pants repeatedly and I kept pulling his hands off me but he just kept doing it until I eventually convinced him to stop and let me go.

    That was all years ago, the last one was 6 years ago, but then last year, I broke up with a boyfriend I had recently and I was meant to be staying at his after a night out since a taxi back to mine was expensive so a male friend offered to let me stay at his that night. During the night out he kissed me, constantly, barely let me talk to any of my friends that were there because he constantly wanted to me on me and making out with me and picking me up and kissing me against walls and whatnot. When we got back to his he decided we would have sex and it took me saying no four times, and I almost ended up giving up and having sex with him because I find it really, really hard to say no to people more than once... The more I have to say no the harder I find it so if I have said it like 4, 5 times I just give up and submit. Luckily for me he couldn't get the condom on (he told me he had never used a condom before in his life - gross) and I wasn't on the pill so he just gave up and we went to sleep. I told him a few days later how I'd felt and he got really angry and said that what I was accusing him of was disgusting and that I was just lying and making stuff up (despite me saying no four times) because I'd "helped him try to put the condom on" but I only did that after I'd said no at least four times and eventually gave up saying no because he wasn't taking it for an answer...

    Now I know these incidents are at age 13+ so they couldn't have caused DID, since DID is rooted in childhood, and I don't think they're the cause of these triggery feelings Sophie get during oral sex because I was never made to partake in oral sex in any of those incidents. Is it normal for normal women to get these feelings or is it just even more evidence that I was abused in childhood? (alongside with depression, possible bipolar or borderline, adolescent trichotillomania, self harming, dissociative identity disorder, my alter having an addiction to abuse (loves being raped and hurt and just abused in general?)

    I don't even have a therapist to talk it over with because I'm still on a bloody long waiting list. I just wish I knew.

    Kaz x
  2. Jeserai

    Jeserai Well-Known Member

    Just want to say I read you. I would like to respons, but my English isn't that good that I'm scared I say something wrong.
    I hope you can have therapy soon. Too bad the waitinglists for good therapy are so long (in my country especially long waitinglists for DID treatment...)
  3. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I know how you feel. I would like to suggest something just for you to ponder, that perhaps the violation mostly comes from you feeling like you are violating yourself by allowing certain situations to continue.

    You mentioned with a few different scenarios how you let it carry on, even though you did not enjoy it, and felt wrong...and felt violated. But some part of you, allowed it; and maybe, perhaps, that is the biggest violation of all... not really what others did, but what you allowed them to do.

    Another concept in your post, is perhaps a theme that is starting to emerge, of what men appeared to be desiring from you. I can feel the trauma appearing when men specifically want to only convey a sexual desire, thus perhaps saying they only want you for that. It may be that this is not true, for all the men you have been with, but it perhaps reads as that in your mind, and your subconscious may interpret it as a sort of usury, which then begins to feel like an assault. You may get what I mean, if you think about it a bit more, or you may get what I mean right away...

    There are many things going on in your post, but I would maybe think that your difficulty in your current relationship, has to perhaps do with the fact that you still have not forgiven nor removed the violated feeling of your past sexual encounters; which means anything physical now, and in your future only triggers the idea that anyone touching you is trying to hurt you, or is trying to make you hurt yourself.

    You see, by a man refusing to listen to you when you say no multiple times, it is like telling you that he is ALRIGHT with your pain, in order for his gain. It's like saying to you, that he is fine with you feeling bad, or not being happy with the physical contact; as long as he gets a gain out of it. He is willing to accept a situation where you don't agree, yet still subject you to it...

    That alone, is very traumatizing to your inner core values, and to yourself; because obviously no person wants to be valued so poorly by another human, nor do they want to feel like their feelings and wants should be pushed aside just to make someone else happy...especially NEVER in a vulnerable position such as being intimate.

    Intimacy is absolutely vulnerable, because it requires you to take very personal areas of your body that you basically never expose to anyone else, and personal areas that can feel good too... and allow someone else to get close to them. I personally don't feel that it really gets any more personal than that...

    I suspect that you sort of shut down sometimes, in sexual acts, because you are so shocked by the violation that is occurring, that you really can't do anything in the moment. I have had such moments. I understand what you mean by putting the condom on, in that one situation... and him trying to blame you in return, by saying you co-operated or tried to carry on the action further. I understand how it feels to be stuck in a situation, where you really feel like you must do it now... or where you feel like you are stuck.

    You may have even felt like you were hurting the other people... by pulling away, because they are clearly voicing needs now, and are being very stern. It can feel as if you are disappointing them, and you can start to feel guilty, and wonder even what is wrong with you...

    I personally feel like some of the situations you have described are abuse, on a level. Even if the other person involved was a lot younger, their pursuit of it, after you said no, even at a young age, becomes abusive. Children learn at young ages, that there are limits to what people can tolerate, and the word "no" is understood universally by everyone, from such a young age. The person who chose to touch your chest repeatedly, until you finally just took it and took it without much resistance, persisted knowing it was not right, after you let them know you were uncomfortable.

    It may be a trigger now for you too, to maybe almost always feel uncomfortable as a result in sexual situations... you may feel like, as I said, a man is just there in the moment trying to purposefully harm you, trying to purposefully make you do something you hate.... trying to make you do something, only because they want it.

    Just like the person who touched your chest did.... they put you into a situation where you had no gain, and were submitting without any sort of actual desire therein to do such, and they ground you down until you were so submissive by repeatedly pursuing the very thing you felt wrong with.

    It could be that your subconscious overpowering your alter, at this point and time, because now it is time for this hurt and pain to come to the surface for you to deal with. The Alter was most likely created as a personality designed to deal with and handle emotionally traumatizing and damaging situations, such as intense sexual circumstances.

    But now that you are older, and are processing things more, and are in what appears to be a bit of a more serious and possibly more stable and committed relationship, your subconscious perhaps needs you to handle the inner core problems, and past emotional trauma... something your alter ego doesn't let you do, because her job is just to ignore all of the above, and act as if it doesn't bother you.

    But it obviously bothers you.
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I also have had very similar experiences.. I mean.. as far as sex being a big trigger.. My problem is also saying no to anyone though.. I feel bad for people and then I don't really care and just give up.. I also did this again recently with my ex gf right after December.. I just was tired of the argument and gave in..

    I don't have memories either of specific abuse in my childhood, but I do remember an extreme fear every day.. And I'm not sure why.. I know a few things that happened and I can guess that there was some physical abuse and maybe other abuse involved but I really have no clue.. (I do know I had neighbors who would throw rocks at me but I am uncertain how much happened beyond that.. and at home I had a lot of emotional neglect.. And I have heard from parents that the church wasn't very nice to us either but I don't remember..)

    I also know DID is caused by suppressed memories that each alter maintains from childhood because we can't really deal with them in that moment.. (Sorry if I get any of this wrong.. I am not an expert) And in order to maintain functionality the brain will in a way "store" the information into a separate part of the brain.. And if those things never get dealt with right and more and more tack on I think that's how it is caused..

    I'm a little different because I can remember specifically causing myself to split as a child.. And I guess I'm not supposed to remember or know that.. But I did it for a specific reason.. And I'm guessing because I had to take on an adult role, raising children while I was still one myself.. I'm not 100% certain what else might have happened.. Or even if what I remember is even close to what happened.. as I can only guess..There was far too much going in for me as a kid.. I do know that somehow during my intake into a program recently I was able to tell the person at least 1 or more things for each section of abuse.. Emotional, Physical, and sexual.. Though I don't remember what I said specifically..

    I myself have recently been having a lot more panic attacks.. I can't handle going anywhere alone and have a service dog for it as my allergies have worsened to medication.. I haven't had any flashbacks that I can remember..

    I'm not sure why now it has worsened.. All I know is I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and I can't wake up.. And emotionally everything is a lot stronger.. And my anger is reaching extreme levels.. I'm hardly able to eat because of the anxiety.. I'm shaking a lot of the time.. And I'm having trouble sleeping..

    I'm having trouble myself finding a therapist to talk to about these things.. I had an intake but honestly I'm not sure I trust the program I talked to.. It is nice when I can find people who understand what it is like to feel similar.. Right now it feels so lonely to me.. because no one really understands.. The feelings as though you are looking through a mirage.. or doing things you feel like you can't control.. Or having someone walk up to you and say hi and don't remember them at all... Or have someone walk up to you and calling you another name.. and feeling scared of what happened.. Or having my friend tell me I just twitched and not feeling it.. and how shitty it feels and hard it is to explain how detached I experience it.. For me I feel like I'm dizzy.. on top of all that above.. and nothing makes a lot of sense..

    I guess for DID, what you describe might be considered "normal" but I wouldn't really know.. I mean I think you would have to talk to a therapist.. Honestly I'm not sure I want to know what happened to me.. I've had these screams in my head lately and when they scream I can't function.. its like I want to slam my head on a wall.. And all I can hear them say is "leave me alone" and "shut up".. Among the chatter..

    I have 9 parts of myself that I am aware of I believe.. (Though I am un-diagnosed) But I also think there is another or possibly more.. that just aren't named..Or rather.. don't co-habitat with myself.. and are more separate.. That I never really "talk to"..

    My other problem is.. I don't simply "black out".. I actually have false memories.. So I question a lot what really happened and if it was a fake memory or if it really did happen.. I found this out through my best friend.. because I will ask didn't so and so happen and they will tell me otherwise.. or similar but differently happened.. But sometimes I remember correctly and others I don't.. And each part remembers things differently.. Depending who is more present in that moment..

    I've honestly been a bit afraid to say much specifically about abuse on the site lately.. I've been kinda afraid of myself.. I've found a post here I don't remember making.. for one.. So it's a little freaky..

    Anyway, sorry if I got off topic.. my brain is half conscious now and I can't really focus it well.. I hope you are alright and I am glad you posted. Am here if u ever want a chat. :hug:
  5. Jaimeisbroken

    Jaimeisbroken Well-Known Member

    Hi feathers, nice to meet you.

    I don't know much of anything about DIDs or alters, but I do know that sometimes things happen that we don't remember. In my case I know for a fact that during my assault there were two people involved because of the evidence the police shown to me, but I only have memory of one person. I don't know why that is but I think it may be my brains attempt to protect me. I'm not saying this is similar to your lack of memory, I am just saying that memory is a funny thing and our brain seems to choose what to bring to the surface.

    Again, I am not trying to insinuate what may or may not have happened. I have a friend who was sexually abused when she was 6-12 years old, and the primary form of abuse was oral rape. She reacts seemingly unusually when her and her boyfriend are involved in consensual oral sex. Sometimes it freaks her out and she feels really uncomfortable or even scared. She can feel this without even having a memory of her abuse go through her head.

    Similar things happen to me. Although I am not sexually active and I personally can't imagine I would ever choose to be, I can be in the shower or doing something totally innocuous and sometimes a smell, sensation because of a touch, or a sound can make me get uncomfortable or even frightened. This can happen even if when it happens I don't have a memory of what happened to me going through my head.

    I can only tell you that my sudden sensations of anxiety and fear began only after my assault. Again, not trying to imply what may or may not have happened to you.

    My best advice to you is nothing you don't already know. When you finally do get the chance to talk to a therapist, DON'T CHICKEN OUT. I know waiting lists kinda bum us out but each day you get closer.

    I wish I had more help/words/advice/understanding to offer.
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