No morality

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kinggink, Apr 5, 2016.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Kinggink

    Kinggink New Member

    i have a desire to commit suicide but it's much more than that. I have no morality anymore. Maybe that's not the right word ,feel free to correct me if it isn't. I don't care if the people around me suffer or how they feel or anything along those lines. And that goes for my friends and family as well. I'm not sure if it's a bad thing but it's just how I feel. To put it in a scenario, I currently go to class and I know school/university shootings are thought of as a terrible thing, but I don't think it would bother me at all if that were to happen to the school I attend. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't do it myself or help the cause but I don't think I would care much if I saw that happening all before my eyes. Sure it would mean suffering for my friends and I would prefer them to make it out of that situation unharmed physically and mentally, but it wouldn't bother me all to much. As for those who aren't close to me I wouldn't have even the slightest care for. I just don't care what happens to anyone around me anymore, or myself either to be honest. I would probably attempt to survive out of instinct at the time but I looking at it now and after the event itself it would mean nothing to me. I wouldn't feel bad for those who lost their lives and those who lost their loved ones. This is probably due to the fact that I feel I've dealt with an unfair amount of pain throughout my life and I feel it isn't fair that everyone else isn't experiencing the same pain as I am. Without doubt I am depressed but I think it's worse then that. I don't feel bad for the unfortunate nor do I care about those around me. If everyone were to drop dead around me I feel I wouldn't have any problem with it at all. As far as my own life I don't care much about that either. If I were to die today or tomorrow it wouldn't bother me the slightest. I'm not a huge fan of this place (being the world). I joke a lot about suicide and other terrible things to those around me and some believe I'm just joking and others wonder how I could say such terrible things. The truth is I just don't care. Sure that may make me a bad person but so what, what do I gain out of being a good person. I tried that already and all I got was a lot of pain. So why not be a bad person. I don't neccisarally want to hurt everyone around me (except those who have hurt me, which I want nothing but revenge so badly it hurts), it's more like I just don't care if everyone has to suffer. I wouldn't stop the suffering even if I could. What would I gain from that? Whenever you help others all that comes with it is pain down the road. And as for those who have hurt me I want to cause an unfathomable amount of pain to. Not the same amount that was inflicted upon me, a lot more. I don't want to play to get fair, I want to play to win and to hurt. Earlier I said I don't want people to hurt I just don't care if they do, that may be wrong now that I think about it. Maybe I do just want to cause everyone around me the same pain I feel, I just don't know how to go about it. And ending a life other than my own isn't something I am interested in. I'm not a killer, also I'd rather have them feel constant pain throughout their lives until they hate it just as much as I do. I don't think of myself as a bad person in anyway for having these thoughts although a lot of people may. And even if I came to the conclusion that I was a bad person bc of this, nothing would change bc I don't have a problem with being a terrible person Why would I?




    *just thought I'd get that off my chest, feel free to reply in anyway you would like*
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Kinggink. I'm sorry you have been so hurt that it's making you feel hateful and angry. Maybe it would help if you could talk about what has happened that hurt you so much - SF is a good place for talking about those things. I hope life eases up for you.
     
  3. Kinggink

    Kinggink New Member

    Well to sum it up, mainly relationship problems (break up) and overall feeling of emptiness and having no motivation. That plus school stress and inability to get along with family made shit terrible. Mainly the relationship problems though
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    It seems there are lots of stressors. I'm sorry it's hard right now. Feeling so angry that nothing and no one matters uses huge amounts of energy - a ton of energy that could be used to look for ways to make things better.

    The sense of having no morality - of not caring what happens to others - is that perhaps a way to say how angry you are? "I am so hurt and so sad and so pissed off that the whole world could collapse and it wouldn't matter to me! I hate the world and I hate myself!" ?

    I think you must be very angry and hurt. What happened in the break up? Were you together long? What level of school are you at? You said there is "the stress of school" - is it the difficulty of the subjects, lots of work, you haven't done as well as you hoped? What is happening with your family? How is hard to get along with them? Depression can make us feel empty and unmotivated, as well as turning anger inward. I hope you'll keep talking.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.