no more good things

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by iamjulia, Jun 7, 2013.

  1. iamjulia

    iamjulia Member

    I don't know what to do, I can't get help, I can't even talk to anyone honestly. There's something wrong with me, I can't talk about how I feel honestly. Every time I try I just can't do it, I end up going into 'waitress mode' and can't even remember what I wanted to talk about, especially with strangers, but everyone is a stranger to me now. When I'm at my place, my roommates seem like they're avoiding me. The 'friends' I have there don't want anything to do with me anymore. Probably because I've lost my taste for alcohol. So I leave and come here to my (deceased) mother's house, and there's nothing familiar here either, no one I know or want to know, and I can barely remember my childhood. Probably a good thing, there weren't many happy times back then either. Also the endless suspicion and disapproval from my aunt when she's here. She doesn't think I'm trying to help, but I'm just so bad at everything, I am trying. Also she thinks I'm just trying to get easy money or something, she thinks I'm a junkie, which is hurtful since I'm one of the few people I know who have never gone that way. She talks to me like I'm a small child or mentally challenged, and interrogates me when she thinks I'm asleep. I don't have any place that feels like I belong there. No one wants me anywhere.

    I tried to get help when I went in for a refill prescription, but to no avail. Apparently not wanting a (presumably) innocent person to find your dead body is a good enough reason to believe that you'll be 'safe'. They think I'm lying anyway. They don't believe what I tell them about my life, that all my loved ones are dead, and most of them died thinking I didn't care about them. But that's how my life is. I don't want my life at all, and there's nothing at all I want to do, or that I can do really. I keep feeling like I'm not supposed to be here, like I was supposed to die some time ago, and because I didn't, people close to me had to, and this is all my fault for being so selfish. I don't know why I'm still here, I'm not a real person even. I think I am loosing my mind. I don't know what to do
     
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you were unable to get help when you went in for a refill prescription. Next time could you see another doctor and try again. Have you tried calling a crisis line? Talking over the phone sometimes helps feel not so alone.
     
  3. iamjulia

    iamjulia Member

    Yes, I'll have to try again, but I'm not sure what can be done really. I feel like I want help, but I don't really know what that means or what to expect. I hate when drs try to seem so kind and sympathetic, because it's not real. They only pretend to care because they're paid to. If they saw me in real life they wouldn't care at all. I'm still afraid of calling the crisis lines, pretty afraid of phone calls in general. I don't always make any sense without a few proof-readings. Also too guilty about trying up their lines, since most of my problems are my own fault. Have you ever called one?
     
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Yes I've called crisis lines. Don't always make sense myself. At my worst was a gibbering idiot who had to write down what I wanted to tell the doctor. If you feel you want help you probably do. Not knowing what sort of help is not unreasonable. Talking to others here, a crisis or help line can act as a sounding board to clarify things. Feelings go wasting others' time, low esteem are common and don't reflect reality often. PM me if you like. Can't always respond quickly but happy to try.