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No more... I can't take it. No more fighting for me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Oct 13, 2009.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for making one of these threads. I know people generally don't like them and I'm also not their biggest fan, so sorry to come here and make my own.

    I just wanted to say, it's over for me. Seriously, I'm not gonna take this anymore. Living I mean. I fought, I fell, I got up, I tried moving foward, I fell again, I suffered, I cried, I despaired, I repeated the process over and over and over.

    And each cycle my life got worse than it was. No more, I can't look at tomorrow. It seems I reached the point where I'm afraid of what the next day will bring, I don't want tomorrow to exist, I don't want anything, I don't want to exist. I want to break the cycle right here.

    I'm done.

    I can't dream. I used to dream alot, of the future and what I'd like it to be. Even when I felt suicidal, I dreamt. I can't do it anymore, I think of the future and see nothing, I can't imagine myself anywhere. I'm afraid of the future, I'm afraid of the next sick twist of fate destiny will put on my path

    I don't deserve to live, I was born a mistake, it's only fitting that I'll die a mistake. I can't stand to look myself in the mirror, to look at the worthless loser I have become. I am nothing, alive or dead, I don't change anything in the world. They say if you kill a butterfly in the past and then go back to the future, you can alter the entire history. They could kill me and everything would stay the same. Give me death or give me a black room. No windows, no lights, no mirrors, nothing. I want to forget this wreched existence I have become, I am not worth to breathe, I am not worth the space I fill in the planet.

    Nothing is worth this existence, the pain and torture I have to endure everyday recieves no balance as there are no good things in my life. Everything, EVERYTHING pains me to some degree. This is not a life worth living, I am no longer alive, I am undead.

    The ones that I love, the ones I'd give my life for. They all either hate me or despise me. They've turned their backs on me. I see it in their eyes and their words, they think themselves superior to me, that I'm scum, a loser, a quitter who isn't capable of taking care of his own problems and wants to take the "easy way". Well they never killed a 4 years old boy with their utter stupidity did they? They didn't accomplish all their dreams only to have them all snatched from their hands within a month did they? I'm not worthy of their freindship, only of their pitty, if that. And I'm supposed to addore them for the crumbs they throw at me! I'd do anything for these people... why do they treat me like this... god why?

    I must die, it's the only way for me. If I die now, at least I may have some people I care about in my funeral, maybe they'll come... A few more months and I'm sure I can forget about that, they're quickly moving away from me, I'm all alone... I don't want only my parents and a bunch of relatives that don't give jack about me and are only there to fulfill their family dutties, I want them all to stat outside, better if in the rain, maybe they'd leave and spot anooying me even after death!

    This is not a goodbye thread, for now at least. I'll still be here tomorrow altough, that's mostly because it's Tuesday and there's 0 chance for me to go outside and take care of myself. It's too risky and I'll only have one shot. What I'm saying is that I reached my threshold, it's a deep one, I'm calm, and patient, I'm willing, but I have my limit, and this is it. I'm stopping this mockery of life soon. I feel no euphoria like other people do. I feel only utter and collossal sadness. That's because I'm so ashamed of what I have become, I hate this wretched loser I've become so much that I'm sorry suicide will feel like homicide...

    This is not a goodbye thread. I'll be here tomorrow. Probably I'll ramble some more in this very thread. But I'm not here anymore, I'm giving up hope, I'm accepting that dying is the only way I'll ever be free and tough I don't know what'll lie on the other side, the simple chance of a better place feels warmer than this unworthy existence.

    If you think I'm just attention whorring, say what you want, I don't care. If any mods think this thread goes against the rules or whatever, delete it, I don't care. I don't care for pretty much anything anymore.

    If you wanna try helping, go for it. But I'll first warn you that I'm far from receptive... I'll probably just burst into rant again...

    I'm sorry guys. You are all great. I have nothing but respect for what you accomplish here, but it's too late for me, I damned myself and there's no return. You are all amazing.
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hey Ordep, I'm sorry you've crashed so badly. But ranting is great, keep at it, it's not against the rules or anything, and it gets it out here where we can hear, and at least let you know that someone is listening, someone hears your pain.

    And, can I ask, what is that about a 4 year old boy? Don't say if you don't want to, it was just something that leapt out at me reading your post.

  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Keep ranting, we're hear to walk with you through it.

  4. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I've talked about it before here in SF, you probably just missed the posts where I did Tam.

    It was in pre-school or creche (not sure of the best translation). At that age I was really active and playfull, I had a leadership personality and I usually was the leader of my group of friends. I always got to choose what we'd play and one day I decided we'd flee the place (kinda like prison breaking).

    It's kinda hard to explain the plan without a drawing but I'll do my best. The center had being dug into a slope (a usual technique in areas with many ups and downs) so while the front had only a security fence, the back had a triangular shaped stone wall that followed the uppward inclination of the terrain, with another stone wall at the back to keep the dirt from "flooding" the center. The walls were just the size of the ground and only served as a dam, so atop them there was also a security fence to keep people from going in and out.

    I knew the teachers couldn't see one of those triangular side walls from where they watched because there was a big playhouse in the way, and since back there the kids had nothing to play, they didn't usually remember to check. And I had also discovered that the fence atop the highest part of the wall had a cut where we could sneak through, so what we did was going up the tringular wall, our feet on the stone and hands on the fence since there was not enough room for our foots (we were walking in tiptoes) and went up the wall.

    I went first of course, and my best friend went right by my side. We went all the way to the highest part of the wall and I reached the side of the cut in the fence. I took my left hand from the fence to open a hole through the cut so we could sneak through and moved my torso away from the fence to give me the proper angle to work on that hole. But when I did so, I also pushed the fence towards me, shortening even more the room for our foot. I was using sneaker so my shoes held, but my best friend was using classic shoes and slipped, hit the wall with his chin, broke the neck and fell to his death.

    I know, I was a kid, I didn't know better, it was an accident, bla bla bla. I was smart, I was above averange for my age. I was counting to twenty in foreign Engish while my class-mates were asking what color to pain the sun on their paint books. I should have warned them to hold thing! I should have forseen that pushing the fence could make them slip. I was stupid and reckless. As if the death of my friend wasn't enough, the center was shut down for lack of security and everyone lost their jobs. All because of my utter dumbness.

    You may ask how I know this so well, to the very last detail? I've revived it over a thousand times when awake and I have nightmares about it when I sleep. God, how I miss having my girlfriend to confort me after that nightmare... now I just stay awake and stare at the emptiness for hours.
  5. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    That's a really sad story Pedro. I'm so sorry - because you didn't know, and yet the fact that you were involved makes it impossible to tell yourself that you weren't to blame. No easy words of comfort here - except that of course you are the one blaming yourself the most! But I expect you know that already.

    But I have to ask, has anything happened today to make you crash so much? This morning you were all set to do the exam, and now...?
  6. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    No, the exam had nothing to do with it, to be honest, it didn't went that bad. I think I'll pass.

    I knew this question would come up, and I'm not proud of the answer... any people I know IRL could guess because it's so obvious.

    Like most of my crashes, I saw my ex girlfriend. The one person in this world I'd gladly give my life for. I'm even ashamed because I'm aware of how foolish this is, but she passed closer to me than usual. If I see her at college, it's usually from some distance, I don't get to hear her voice... but today she came into my classroom when the class ended and went to talk to a girl right in front of me, she was in arm's reach, I could hear her speaking... and I wanted to die right in that second.

    I'm obsessed with her, she saved my life, twice. I owe her every since good thing I had in my life. For four years, both as a friend and a boyfriend I did my absolute best to make her as happy as I could. I looked to no expenses, I stayed up whole nights doing things for her (that she didn't ask for, but I did because she'd like the result). I was always there for her, no matter how busy I was. I didn't mind if she yelled at me when she was stressed or pissed at someone else she couldn't yell at, because I knew it would help her. I did everything I could to make her happy, and I was happy for doing that.

    And then we had a misunderstanding and she didn't want to believe my side of the story, no matter how hard it was to explain... I didn't cheat on her or anything... I just tried to tell her she should think well before accepting a position in a band she had been invited, because it might be too much of a workload for her. She toughts I was being jealous and wanted her just for myself so she started moving away, until she left me for good. She never believed that I was only afraid because once she had passed out multiple times from overworking. Now she refuses to talk to me.

    One and a half years later it turned out I was right... she recently had to quit the band because she couldn't cope with the workload.

    But still she doesn't talk to me. She hates me, that I know from our common friends, and living without her is like living hollow. Nothing seems worth it without her. She hates me so much, but still I care for her, I give my friends my old notes from classes I hear she's having trouble with, disguised as stuff they found online. They get the credit and she thanks them, I just cry inward, alone at home, wishing it could be me.

    If there is one thing that could lift me up, it's her friendship back. I don't even need the love, just her touch with me would suffice... Without her I have no porpose or aim.

    But, even it may seem she's all that's hurting me, it's far from that... but I admit everything else would be bearable with her by my side... it used to be.

    I'm just a shell without her... God I damned myself by falling so deep. I deserve everything that's happening.
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I cannot even begin to imagine what your are going through over this. I do believe that your feelings are over riding your logical thoughts, such as you were a child and it was an accident.

    Have you had a real opportunity to talk about it so you can get these feelings released?

  8. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm well aware I'm the one blaming myself the most. Probablly no one else blames me at this point... but the nightmares. I feel so much guilt, I wish so hard I could go back in time and change that one event. I wonder how much the parents of that kid hate me for leading him to his death. 4 years old and he was following me, trusting me. It's just too hard to tell yourself it wasn't your fault, even tough at the bottom I know it wasn't, what could I do? It was a miscalculation, it happens... but it was my miscalculation nonetheless, for all practical reasons, his blood is in my hands.

    Actually Charge... my parents aren't even aware I know he died. As I said, I was really smart for my age, I knew well how to distinguish a corpse from someone knocked out. I was the one who climbed down that wall in a hurry, tears in my eyes, jumped midway because the other kids were also crying and were climbing down (to get out of my way) too slow. Landed and felt my legs complaining from the impact, rushed to him and saw his neck was in an impossible angle. No way he could survive that.

    But my parents had the brilliant idea to try to brainwash by telling me he had just broken his leg. Since I was so young, they thought I would buy their story but I obviously knew it was just a lie so I wouldnt have to deal with the guilt. I could have told them I knew it was a lie, but I was in shock at the time, I just didnt do it. I kept it to myself and by the time I would have talked to my parents about it, I already got along preety bad with them, didn't need further straining. So I just kept it inside. First person I ever told was my ex. At some point I had to explain her why I kept waking startled so many times when we slept togheter.

    So no, I delt with it all by myself.
  9. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Sorry Pedro, I posted this seconds after your post. It refers back to your previous post.

    Going to ask the obvious here, and you can tell me to sod off and go read your other posts, but have you tried talking to your girlfriend in all this time? It sounds like you are getting skewed info about how she feels about you, because it's second hand, coming from other people. Is there any way you could arrange to talk with her, just discuss a few things, so that you might start to be friends again?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2009
  10. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Please go see a therapist about this event in your life. There is a way through it with guidance. Post here all you need to.

  11. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm actually going to tell you to sod off and read my previous posts... but I'm kind enough to copy paste the important bits here:

    "Erica is a great singer with musical tastes close to mine and she met a drummer at her school called Joao, they became great friends and she introduced me to him, and we also became great friends, so we decided to form a band so that we could make the music we so loved and also spend more time togheter.

    That worked for a while but thru a variety of reasons the relationship started to become alittle sour and Erica started to get tired of me, becoming angry at me very easily and easily picking arguments. Thinking back I guess I am to blame for alot of stuff but back then I was so afraid to lose her I sometimes didn't really tought straight...). One day she recieved an invite to join another band and she was interested in it. I tried to warn her it could be much of a workload for her but she considered I was being jealous and wanted her all for myself. She broke up with me but said she wished for us to be best friends as ever, and maybe on a later date get back togheter.

    But from that it just went downhill. Bad stuff happened and she started avoying me as much as possible, our friendship becoming more and more void, her new best friend becoming our drummer and my other friend Joao. In time she started hating me and only suffering talking to me when there was an exact reason for that, she started misstreating me and pshycologically hitting me as much as she could while all I could do was hope against hope that she would come around and everything would get back to what it was, as I still loved her. No such luck, even in college she only gave me a small window of interaction, which most often ended with her either ignoring me or simply stating how much she hated me. And yet I kept hoping...

    Our friend Joao tried to help alittle at first but quickly called it a lost cause and told me to get on with my life and that he'd be there for me. But for the most part (like 99% of the time) her loyalties where to my ex. and more and more he started distancing himself from me.

    Then one day she simply stopped talking to me alltogheter. She already spoke only if I asked her something, no more than the necessary, but then she started to turn around if I spoke to her, no explanation given.

    I felt a gap in my heart like I never had. Sure I knew Erica was mostly lost to me, but I still held hope but after that there was nothing I could do, my life had just become the biggest hellhole I could imagine.

    That was a year ago. (now a year and half)"

    "Erica is what really really brings me down. We're not just talking about some lost love here, we're talking about a person who saved my life TWICE, my best friend who gave me the only good moments my life ever had, who preety much brought me to life when I tough I had none. My friend Joao/John would punch me for dwelling on these thoughts but she had her way of reaching me and making all the bad stuff go away. Even the hellish nightmares of my friend from pre school dying seemed to be quite bearable if I got the luck to wake from them when she was there with me. You can't just forget about a relationship this deep. Actually we were voted the perfect couple in my last year in highschool, and I'd never been voted for anything at all... They say a relationship loses some glare when you start having sex, well we never had sex since she wasn't ready and I wanted to respect her and yeah, we had our shine as a couple all the way to the last days.
    Yeah she was amazing to me but my ghost chaser now became my biggest ghost and I can't shake it... the only thing that's going thru my mind right now is the dread feeling that in 4 hours I'll have to share the classroom with her and we'll probably catch the same train home. and there's no way to avoid that... I'm like a reverse stalker
    I know she could help, maybe she's the only one that can help me, she's the best at it. If only we would get back to speaking terms and she would treat me with the kindness she used to, I'm sure I'd pull through and I'd survive this ordeal, but like this I feel hopeless... The strengh I need to make it out alive is right in front of me every day and I can't do anything about it... it's so maddening.
    If it was a mistake for her to dump me, she sure didn't feel the consequences as she's better than ever, popular, with all the friends she cares to want, her talents praised and recognized by everyone and all the things she needs to be happy... I feel so small by comparision, even sick of myself for sucking so much. I guess I'm kinda like the thorn on the rose that you cut to make the rose look gorgeous..."

    so basically, I tried talking to her back in January, she just turned around like I wasn't even there. Recently all I got is information from that guy I mentioned, Joao, and yes, it did occur to me that maybe, just maybe he feeded me false information just to keep me away from my ex and have her all for himself, should he be romantically interested in her. It's possible, but the most important fact remains, she hates me. That I can see with my own eyes... for my never ending sadness.
  12. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I've been seraching for a therapist that would charge me nothing since paying one would mean withdrawing money from my bank account, and my father keeps tabs on that because he's addicted to money and goes berserk if anyone uses more than the extremely necessary to survive (we're not poor or anything, we live well, but he's obsessed with saving money). He also is against phsycologists since he thinks they don't do anything and just wanna con you.

    My mom maybe would give me a hand on that, but I'm not confortable with taking that old ghost from the closed after 16 years there. My mom tried to hard to keep the truth from me, I'm afraid of her reaction if I told her I knew all along... I don't know about that... At this stage the best solution seems just to jump from my selected spot and be done with this never ending nightmare.
  13. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Forgot this extra bit:

    "And that brings me to the worst topic of all... Even over a year after we broke up I still love her with all the love I have to give. I see her every day and every day I wish it'll be the day where she'll finally say that maybe it's time they try again, but it never is and deep inside I know it'll never happen. She's still in my dreams, dreams that sound good when they happen, dreams that I wish would not end, but when I wake up and face the grim reality there's no drink in the world that can ease the pain. She's so much succesfull than me, it makes me feel bad and hate myself by comparision. She's doing way better in college, she has a band along with our friend Joao and they're going great, as far as I know she's dating someone and I even tough he denies I can't shake the feeling that it's Joao and he's not telling me, which makes my blood boil... she's friends with everyone and everyone counts her as someone really special. The only shocker is when they learn she actually dated someone as disgusting as me. I once heard her say she was really sick back then..."
  14. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Charge you're right, I have to go to theraphy about that event...

    Damn, I'll have to talk to my mother about this... there's no other way.
  15. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Everyone outisde this little place called SF just gave up on me... I see it, the way they treat me, look on me. They know I'm dead inside and it's just a matter of time till it's final. They've made there peace with te fact that I'm going (if there's any peace to be made that is) and moved on like I'm already dead and buried... I'm still here, but they just see a grave where I stand.

    Everyone knows I plan to die soon, my msn screen name says as much, but do they care? Of course not, it's all old news for them. I'm the only one who cares even one bit aboutmy life, for everyone else it's just an after thought...

    I wonder what they'll say to themselves when I die... "We did all we could"? "We tried helping, he just didn't want to"?

    Nah, probably just
    "Oh well... it's a shame"
    "Well, that was bound to happen"
    "He did hold on longer than I expected"

    Or even
    "Good, now I can pretend I care"

    But yeah they'll probably tell eachothers they were the best friends in the world and could do nothing more for me...
  16. KirstyMissJimBob

    KirstyMissJimBob Well-Known Member

    aww *hugs* Ordep im sorry for what you are going through, and if there is anything i can do to help in anyway please pm me or add me to msn, my addy is in my sig below. xoxox i hope things get better for you
  17. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Thanks Kirsty, your care is appreciated, it just that the only person that can fill this whole and give some freaking meaning to this cut me as dead, so it's better if I just do her wish and be done with this. Maybe it'll give her confort to know I can never cross her path again, cause to me alive or dead it sure doesn't matter anymore.

    Seriously, I could die today and it would take a month for anything to get to know about it, except for my parents I guess... Preety sure if I die I wont have 4 freaking people I care about to carry my coffin, might as well just pick the first random face in the street, cause that's what I was for 4/5 of life, just a random face on the street, nobody to recognise, nobody to care.

    People nowadays just talk to me for pity, most of the time they just hope I don't talk to them because they don't wanna have to deal with me. And when they decide to talk to me, well:
    "hmmm... How're doing?"
    "fine I guess (might as well lie since I tell the truth and I'm annoying). You?"
    "I'm nice. so hummmm take care ok?"
    "K... you too"
    this happened, there's this guy who always talks to me once a week, always on Sundays. I guess it's like a chore to him, just to see if I'm still alive. But mind you, only on the internet, if I don't go to msn on Sunday, he'll just skip it. Is this what I've been reduced to? Pity talks and weekly unninterested checks? This is degrading...

    I can't recall the last spoken conversation I had, except for my parents, it's been way too long, at this rate I'm gonna forget about my own voice soon enough... God I wish I lived alone, it's hard to get out of home when you're in college and living with your parents... I hate this. Today's gona be another stupid and pointless day at college, not a single word to say, I'll enter quiet and leave mute. 10 hours will go by in the meantime. That's what I've been reduced to... oh and dying inside (for the 100th time) when I get to see my beloved ex later today. That's always the highpoint of my day...

    Yeah, I'm just ranting for whareverness sake, guess that's what I've been reduced to. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna miss tomorrow's chance to finish it all since I'm even too apathic to finish my business and make arrangements. That's gonna force to to stand two more weeks of this crap, at the very least. Sweet hopelessness, even thinking about that depresses me.
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