I'm sorry for making one of these threads. I know people generally don't like them and I'm also not their biggest fan, so sorry to come here and make my own. I just wanted to say, it's over for me. Seriously, I'm not gonna take this anymore. Living I mean. I fought, I fell, I got up, I tried moving foward, I fell again, I suffered, I cried, I despaired, I repeated the process over and over and over. And each cycle my life got worse than it was. No more, I can't look at tomorrow. It seems I reached the point where I'm afraid of what the next day will bring, I don't want tomorrow to exist, I don't want anything, I don't want to exist. I want to break the cycle right here. I'm done. I can't dream. I used to dream alot, of the future and what I'd like it to be. Even when I felt suicidal, I dreamt. I can't do it anymore, I think of the future and see nothing, I can't imagine myself anywhere. I'm afraid of the future, I'm afraid of the next sick twist of fate destiny will put on my path I don't deserve to live, I was born a mistake, it's only fitting that I'll die a mistake. I can't stand to look myself in the mirror, to look at the worthless loser I have become. I am nothing, alive or dead, I don't change anything in the world. They say if you kill a butterfly in the past and then go back to the future, you can alter the entire history. They could kill me and everything would stay the same. Give me death or give me a black room. No windows, no lights, no mirrors, nothing. I want to forget this wreched existence I have become, I am not worth to breathe, I am not worth the space I fill in the planet. Nothing is worth this existence, the pain and torture I have to endure everyday recieves no balance as there are no good things in my life. Everything, EVERYTHING pains me to some degree. This is not a life worth living, I am no longer alive, I am undead. The ones that I love, the ones I'd give my life for. They all either hate me or despise me. They've turned their backs on me. I see it in their eyes and their words, they think themselves superior to me, that I'm scum, a loser, a quitter who isn't capable of taking care of his own problems and wants to take the "easy way". Well they never killed a 4 years old boy with their utter stupidity did they? They didn't accomplish all their dreams only to have them all snatched from their hands within a month did they? I'm not worthy of their freindship, only of their pitty, if that. And I'm supposed to addore them for the crumbs they throw at me! I'd do anything for these people... why do they treat me like this... god why? I must die, it's the only way for me. If I die now, at least I may have some people I care about in my funeral, maybe they'll come... A few more months and I'm sure I can forget about that, they're quickly moving away from me, I'm all alone... I don't want only my parents and a bunch of relatives that don't give jack about me and are only there to fulfill their family dutties, I want them all to stat outside, better if in the rain, maybe they'd leave and spot anooying me even after death! This is not a goodbye thread, for now at least. I'll still be here tomorrow altough, that's mostly because it's Tuesday and there's 0 chance for me to go outside and take care of myself. It's too risky and I'll only have one shot. What I'm saying is that I reached my threshold, it's a deep one, I'm calm, and patient, I'm willing, but I have my limit, and this is it. I'm stopping this mockery of life soon. I feel no euphoria like other people do. I feel only utter and collossal sadness. That's because I'm so ashamed of what I have become, I hate this wretched loser I've become so much that I'm sorry suicide will feel like homicide... This is not a goodbye thread. I'll be here tomorrow. Probably I'll ramble some more in this very thread. But I'm not here anymore, I'm giving up hope, I'm accepting that dying is the only way I'll ever be free and tough I don't know what'll lie on the other side, the simple chance of a better place feels warmer than this unworthy existence. If you think I'm just attention whorring, say what you want, I don't care. If any mods think this thread goes against the rules or whatever, delete it, I don't care. I don't care for pretty much anything anymore. If you wanna try helping, go for it. But I'll first warn you that I'm far from receptive... I'll probably just burst into rant again... I'm sorry guys. You are all great. I have nothing but respect for what you accomplish here, but it's too late for me, I damned myself and there's no return. You are all amazing.