No more No more No more No more

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by total eclipse, Nov 9, 2010.

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  1. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    when there is no more
    then what how does one go on
    tell me how
    i don't want this pain
    i don't want this anymore
    i don't want be here
    god help me please
    i just don want to be
    why does it have to be this way god why
     
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    What's wrong Violet? Do you want to talk about it?
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sorry so sorry i am just so deep in pain so sorry distorted thoughts not wnating this at all but there just so m uch sadness and darkness and oh god i can't deal with this again i can'ti am okay i am just so overwhelmed dam it i hate me when i am like this i hate me so much don't worry okay if it gets worse i will call crisis i will
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    violet? what's happened? did those doctors stuff up again? :arms:
     
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    yes please cll crisis line or come here violet...
    so many people care about you here we want you to be ok..*hug*
     
  6. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry :hug: do call crisis or post here if you need to. Please don't hate yourself, you are such a caring, selfless person.
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    please don't care okay
    monday is too far off okay
    i am done now
    i will do what is right don't worry okay
    i just hate me so much some how
    you know that pain that takes your breath away
    that causes you to stop breathing so
    oh how i wish i could just go to sleep
    so all this sadness and pain would go
    I HATE ME I HATE ME IHATE ME SO MUCH
    yet i can not harm anyone i am just stuck
    i know you understand IV im sorry i am
    i hate when i get this way oh god because
    it is not me i am strong i an resilient
    not anymore
     
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope your strength will return violet as it has before...
    hold on..*hug*
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sorry take care
     
  10. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    You don't have to be strong. Strength can mean getting support too. And showing your how you really feel.
     
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    here if you need to talk..*HUG*
     
  12. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    could you please explain what happened? you seem to be very upset and full of questions.
     
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i love reading your posts, you've helped me so much. don't forget you can reach out to get help for yourself, too. you deserve it. sending a big hug, if ok.
     
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i help me do you understand i always have help me somehow but when i get this way idon't want to help me anymore i don't want to go on. i become nothing again garbage useless and it hurts so much
    i want to stay strong ihate me when i am so dam weak and powerless because it is not me i am not that way
    now i have even me confused Monday is too far off it seems like forever
    Help will come then i hope so iam so very tired beyond that my head keeps giving me distorted thoughts and i keep trying to fight them away
    i wish i was someone not to her i am nothing
    i understand the want to go fight it everyday but i will not leave i can't i wont cause others that kind of pain
    how do i go on and still exist when i become this nothing this useless piece of
    you just do you force self out of bed you force yourself but i am tired andi amtrying but i grow tired so tired of this fight
    time to throw in the towel yes admit defeat
     
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Hello Violet!

    Sorry you are feeling so bad, this sounds very painful.

    Is this physical pain or emotional/depression?

    Do you want to talk more about what is going on?

    What is it about Monday, is this when you have an appointment?
     
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Monday i was to see my psychologist
    monday Act team to come hopefully holding my breath on that one
    i just have so much emotional pain the physical pain is gone now
    i don't wan't to say much really it has been a life time of sadness and with my girl now it will never end i feel
    i am so drained she has no emotion she would not care if i left i know that i think she would be quite happy actually not to have me around
    years of torment inside this heart guilt shame tried to help me been in therapy 2 years now i don't know just she triggers all this pain ilove my daughter with all my heart but she does not seem to have a heart anymore
    i should not let the pain come out like this i have kept it buried for so long she will be the trigger that take me one day as i can tolerate the sadness the pain and i will but when it is from her i just can 't seem to control it
    im sorry i just can't i want to fight it but i can't anymore wish i had a way out i do but idon't
     
  17. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    If your daughter has been cruel to you, maybe she will understand later in life and regret what she has said or done.

    You really don't deserve to be suffering the way that you are.

    I know that Monday seems like a million years away, but the day will come. You can always try going to the hospital if you think that you can't make it to then. Maybe you could also call and explain that you are in a crisis and that you want to schedule sooner.

    Please keep talking if that helps!
     
  18. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    something that helps me sometimes is to imagine negative energy shooting out of me, like the top of my head, or where ever, and just leaving my body.

    then when I feel like maybe I've got as much out as I can, I imagine positive energy coming in from the sky.

    this might be useless for you, but just thought I would mention it.

    do you think that talking about your daughter more would help or just make things worse?
     
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    thanks everyone i cannot book earlier appt my therapist is away
    i will try to let go of all the pain like you say May um and take in the lightfrom the sky.
    No i have said enough rocking my self abit helped rocking helps calm me i do that alot when noone is around
    i want so badly sobadly to understand why god has done this again
    put me in a postion i just can't win but this time i have no where to run or hide this time i am being pushed beyoound my means and one day i am afraid of what i will do to me
    my biggest fear i cannot say but it will take more then one away
    i am just not knowing what to do
    i want monday to come soon very soon because i don't know how to keep me from totally going bolistic totally snapping totally going insane
    i am being put in a terrible place and i am trying so hard to keep everyone safe
    rocking myself keeping me calm just want monday to please come please
    breathing too slow slow breaths looking and touching and seeing where i am
    i am here not there i am here i am not her i am here i am please god don't take me back there no more
    ithe pain is slowing going away now i will be okay will be okay i always am m
     
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Oh violet my dear friend...I wish I could fix it...:hug:
     
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