No more peace

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by reptor, Mar 31, 2010.

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  1. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    I've tried, really tried over the last couple of days to get some peace of mind and maybe have second thoughts. I have no time to myself anymore. no place to go and think. No solitude to make decisions.

    Last night I tried to sit out in the nice cool air of the night. Alone and peaceful and quiet. My damn cat had to sit at the door meowing his head off and woke my dayghter so guess who once again could get no time.

    Sorry to spout off about nonsense but it's the last of my thoughts and focus. I'm almost done getting rid of all the things I don't need around anymore. Plans are in place and once the last thing i need arrives in the mail I'll finally be all set.

    I thank all of you here who had kind words or thoughts. I give you all credit for trying to save the unsavable. I was wrong to come here though. I thought I wanted an outlet, but, I really didn't. I don't know what i was thinking. Usually you cry for help when you want it. I didn't and I'm sorry i took from all of you as well. Typical in my life to not think of how my actions would effect others.

    I'll be checking posts thru today. I hope tomorrow doesn't come at this point.
  2. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    What's coming in the mail Reptor?

    I know what you mean, I drove 50 miles last nite just to be alone. Then I have this woodpecker that EVERY morning knocks on the chimney rim....every mornig same time and every afternoon same time.

    Are you still living in the same house? Have you tried to telll the ex that you needs X number of hours or days for yourself?
  3. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Why are you using your cat as an excuse for not being able to meditate? To most people it sounds like a big excuse. There is no perfect situation in life reptor, but that does not mean you cannot be fulfilled in ways you have yet to contemplate. If you want to kill yourself, no one can stop you, but if you just keep trying to understand the reasons behind the superficial, you will realize the special place each and every one of us holds.
  4. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    You got PM.
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    OK, this is quite rude. *sigh*
  6. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Ditto !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's HELLA RUDE.....fork it up!
  7. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    and for your correction IF you were REALLY reading and "listening" to someone, he wasn't meditating! Big difference. SO before you sound off on people with your rude posts, use some tactic or good bed side manners.
  8. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    You can take everything I have to say and throw it out the window if you like.

    I'm not in a good place by any means, but the past day or so has been better. Meaning I'm not (insert bad things I was actively attempting to do a few days ago ::here::). Now things are more of a security blanket. I can sleep when I think about those things. I calm down when I think about them.

    Stop. Sit. Feel the cat's fur between your fingers. The cat wont' shut up? Stick it in the bathroom or bedroom. Breathe. Think, don't think. Do whatever comes to you.

    This may sound screwed up, but you're not taking from me. You're giving me hope (and no, it's not because you're pathetic and I can never get as bad as you, blah blah blah...because I know that's how you're thinking).
  9. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    The issue with the cat is that it woke up my daughter. I wanted quiet alone time to just think, nothing more and nothing less, and I can't even get that. I'm getting as bad as I am because I never have time without a child around me. I have little to no adult contact anymore. no one to try and reach out to. No one to just lay my head on their shoulder and cry if i need to. no one to just hold me and let me be me. All i wanted was a few damn minutes to myself. Some time for me to be calm and quiet and I can't even have that anymore, be it a child needing something, a pet who can't be quiet, always something there and I can't stop and clear my head anymore.

    The thoughts are overwhelming, The "noise" as it were is getting too loud and too unclear. No voices thankfully but a constant ringing in my ears thanks to physical issues. No quiet and no peace. No solitude or alone time for me.

    I want to shut it all out, but then someone might figure out my plans and I can't risk that.

    My end is coming quickly and you people are wonderful for trying to help. You can't dump out feelings like this to children and you certainly can't dump them on adults who would just call the cops because you're threatening yourself.

    To paint the image properly.

    I'm sitting on the ledge of a very high place. Not standing and ready to jump yet, just sitting and looking out across the horizon. I want to be part of the dust and air and aether. I want to glide and soar and stop feeling completely. I'm not ready to stand up just yet but it's coming quickly. People yelling from below telling me to stop and telling me to go. People behind me telling me to stop what I'm doing, come inside and talk but they don't want to hear. No one is reaching out a hand in friendship, just trying to pull me back to cart me off to an institution or jail. Suicide is illegal and you're a criminal in this world for feeling like we do. That's the most F**ked up piece of BS I've ever heard.

    I'm not ready to stand up yet. Not ready to jump. I'm almost there and if one more person pushes me or takes a jab at me or rejects me yet again then I might have to just accidentally "slip" from my ledge a little too soon.

    I'm ready to go. no question about that. I'm at the darkest most painful place a person can be. I've shut down. Closed off the world outside. I'm doing everything for everyone else that I can to throw people off the trail.

    I can't discuss method here but I know it's the best choice and will be the easiest to clean up and forget about.

    I'm done ranting and raving for now. I want to scream but then the neighbors will complain and I can't have that can I. Would be too suspicious.

    As I type these word I realize just how sick I really am. How cold and dark and evil I must seem to the world. I dont know how sever each of you are or how bad you've gotten or how much better you've gotten either. I do know there is no help left for me. i'm one of the rare one who is ready and sees no reason to stop. Even if you showed me one it wouldn't really matter now would it.

    We live by fate and destiny as far as I believe. It's already written for me to do what I need to. What i thought was a choice I now see as my fate. There is no other option.
  10. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    This. This just stands out.
  11. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    In what way. I only speak the truth and speak it from whatever is inside of me at this point.
  12. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I don't know why it struck me. It just did. Maybe because it's something that I can relate to, only you say it much better than I can?
  13. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    "Reptor" i'm getting ready for a quack appt. i'll be back.....promise you will still be here. btw, u got pm.
  14. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    I really can't promise anything to anyone anymore. No more guarantees.
  15. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    You're right "Reptor." No guarantees in this life time.
  16. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    No guarantees and no way to know what truly happens in the end.
  17. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    How were you intending for them to find out?
  18. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    For who to find out what? Just want to be clear here.
  19. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I got your pm.....for your privacy, i won't discuss the details but you really really truly planned this out Reptor.....
  20. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    It is well planned and figured out to the finest details. nobody in my immediate circles has a clue as to the when or how. They know the why if I wanted them to. I do this for no body but myself.

    To sleep perchance to dream. I want no more dreams. Just let the cold inky blackness finally enclose and encase me.
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