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No more peers to embrace

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Not sure where to really begin, but I guess the nuts and bolts of myself would be a good start. I’ve always had an aversion to risk so I’ve never been arrested or used illegal drugs. I’m not close to my family; it seemed like the closeness in the family died sometime 20 years ago. I’ve also had a slight aversion to forming romantic relationships. I’m a lifetime wallflower. I’ve had a few long-term girlfriends, but have been single for the last few years. I’ve been unemployed for the last year.

In my late twenties after working in a physically demanding skilled trade, I decided to return to school. So here I am a few years later with an associates and a bachelors degrees from a well-known public institutions. Before I even graduated I knew the headwinds I was facing and that there would be no safe harbors to stay and ride it out. I graduated nearly a year ago and have still found no career. I’ve moved twice in search of a career with no luck.

While I still actively am searching for a career, I’m not even sure that is really the answer any more. Which is where we come into my suicidal feelings and actions. Over the last year I have slowly divested myself of a LOT of possessions. I’ve even gone as far as to write out my note and start listing what needs to be done.

It’s the option that sits on the table, as I have no family or friends to turn to for help. It was never my goal walking out college to find some high paying career. I wanted to make just enough to live and find love. I stopped taking my meds about 8 months ago; my current feelings are not an isolated incident. Even if I found a career at this point, I think the likelihood of these feelings subsiding is bleak.

I don't want it to be like this. I've just run out of stopgap measures with meds, talking and external distractions.


Staff Alumni
Hi and welcome...thanks for sharing with us...maybe not taking your meds and not continuing care has contributed to these feeling? There seems to be a spiral we get into, which I have done myself, that when I begin to feel overwhelmed, I become more apathetic and that adds to feeling awful...perhaps this is the time to revisit your pdoc and see the options s/he can reccomend...sorry you are feeling so bad and please contiue to let us know what is going on...welcome again, J

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi Ether glad you are reaching out here. You did great going back to school NO one can take that education away I think it takes so long now to finally get that job after graduating With being on meds and therapy i think it will help you reach that goal Don't give up yet okay your too young to give up hope Keep talking to us here okay hugs


Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend
Welcome to the forums Ether!! You probably should go back to your pdoc and tell him/her that the meds you were on didn't help.. Sometimes it takes a combination of meds before they start working.. I'm currently on seven meds.. But I have alot of problems.. With the little I know about you they would probably put you back on a depression med and a side med for irrational thinking..I know alot of people who take abilify with there depression meds.. The object here is to getting you to feel good again and then continue the job search.. Good Luck!!


Well-Known Member
hi ether and welcome. i agree with the other posters, go back to your pdoc. coming off your meds may well be helping you feel like this. to study for a degree takes a lot of effort and concentration so you have determination which will help you in your battle. as for not finding work, you are not alone in this so dont let that make you feel worse...its just the way things are at the moment, not a reflection on you personally. we all go thru a rollercoaster of feelings and thoughts and emotions, the trick is to not let them win or scare you and thats the biggest battle we all face and sometimes they win the battle but not the war..so dont give up...you are clearly strong you can always reach out here for support.:hug:


Well-Known Member
As you seem to know, giving away valuable possessions and writing out a note, especially one that has post-mortem instructions, is a signal of suicidal thoughts.

This is what you said: It’s the option that sits on the table. I'm guessing what that means is, if things become too much for you to cope with, you'll use the option of suicide.

As others have suggested, it's true that going off your meds is rarely a good idea. Whatever reason you had for doing it aside, depending on the medicine, a variety of extremely severe side-effects can occur after being without the drug for a certain amount of time. One of those side effects with many drugs is suicidal thoughts. And those thoughts can go away if you resume treatment.

For instance, there's a lunatic named Thomas Szasz, a very well known person in the psychiatry world who has written about "the myth of mental illness", who was involved in a court case. What happened was that he told his patient to stop taking his lithium. The patient killed himself a few months later. If you're interested in the end of that story, his wife sued Szasz, who, while needing to award about $700,000 in damage, if I'm remembering the figure correctly, in reality paid nothing, as he was a member of the APA; consequently, the APA paid the sum, and Szasz paid nothing.

I suggest taking it one step at a time. Utilize the person who prescribes your meds. Ask for counsel. No harm can come from it; if you decided to, you could ignore his or her instructions. You're not obligated to agree with him. Many people do not respond well to drug therapy, and then become discouraged and stop taking the drug. But there are many kinds of medications on the market today, and it would be in your best interest to talk with him or her and see what happens.
Thanks for the kind words everyone.

More of my possessions have been sold in the last few weeks just to survive and not a day goes by anymore that I still don’t think about it. My biggest fear that stops me is not because life is so grand and I need to live it, but that I might survive any attempt.

I’m still looking for work and what I think will remain bottled. I look around and I see so much wasted talent it comes to unemployed people like myself. I sometimes wonder what their emotional status is and how long they’ve been unemployed.
I was reminded this week about the forum since it was my birthday. It’s hard to believe it’s nearly been three years. A lot has changed since then. I did find a good paying job out of California. I guess push came to shove and it was just not an option, so I moved to a locale with a better economic picture. I’d like to say that those feelings are totally behind me, but I do think of it from time to time. I’m doing much better, but I still feel totally alone.


Owner Emeritus
While the feelings may occasion surface , I suspect they do in most everybody whether they admit it or not. It sounds like oyu have done well turning things around and getting control of things. I hope others that are in a desperate situation right now take the time to read this and see that there is hope even when sometimes it is hard to see it.

Thank you for sharing and Happy Birthday!!

- Ben

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
So good to hear from y ou and i wish you a very Happy Birthday Glad to hear you find a good paying job You keep talking to us ok you are not alone then you have us here who will listen and care hugs
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