This life is just getting too much for me to even bear, even now. Not only am I suffering from an intense case of unrequited love (which every love I've experienced has been, on either end) but everything else is just collapsing in front of me. I've lost 5 pounds (down to 110) from not eating enough 'cause of the depression from that, and I have a severe sickness in my stomach... it only seems to calm itself when I jerk off; I have to do it 7-8 times a day just to stay calm. Oh well, maybe it's a blessing in disguise; I'll have more money to save up for my final vacation before I commit seppuku which is GOING to happen very soon. Anyways... That's one thing, but to make matters worse, I don't even have any real talents or abilities that could make things better for myself; I was (and still am) a horrible student... I've dropped out of middle school, high school, AND college. I was so bad that my fucking parents often did my homework FOR me, and those were the only A's I've ever gotten, except maybe in English. Thus, in 6th-7th grade when my parents stopped doing my homework, my grades plummeted. It's bad enough that I hate school and am vividly aware of the authoritarian sort of hypersocial and Orwellian form of control it reigns over the pupils (even in college) but at least fucking make me not suck at it so I can get that fucking shit over with! God, is that too much to ask? I guess so. I'm not good at anything; I only enjoy a few things, but I suck at them. I'm tired of these people saying "well it's only 'cause you don't try hard enough." FUCK THEM! Fuck them and their baby boomer ex-hippie sick sadistic intent of making everything harder on people like me because they're still dealing with their middle-aged burnout and the considerable amount of gen Xers and Yers who fucking blindly follow and obey them! Work... I hate my fucking job so much. Plus, because of the fact that I love a girl that doesn't love me back ('cause she has a bf; long story) I now see reality way too clearly. I'm treated like fucking garbage at work; I'm expected to do $10/hr work for less than $9/hr. EVERY time I get a day off, I'm expected to drag my ass up at 6:30am to go back to work at goddamn 7am the day after, like I'm being punished for having a day off. I've never even gotten employee of the month though everyone I talk to tells me I should, and when I show even the slightest frown, the fucking sheeple around tells me "OMG No you're SEW GOOD at your job!" My job's almost (if not) ALWAYS understaffed and they won't fucking bother fixing our equipment promptly (if at all) so it's damn near impossible to do. Plus, almost all of my other co-employees are kissasses and say stuff like "well, hey, at least you have a job in this economy!" yet still hypocritically spout "GAWD BLESS AMURRICA!!" FUCK THEM! I'm not a drone like them; I'm tired of their guilt trip government approved ranting! Worse yet, there are almost no jobs around this state so even if I look for work elsewhere, nobody'll hire me, let alone do I have any more faith in getting out of dodge like I want/need to do to save my sanity/life. Those are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my problems... I could practically make an Alexander Payne-style movie about my life so far with all the hurt/rejection I go through and self-inflicted bad decisions I've made... Whatever, I just can't wait 'til I off myself and finally be freed. I don't hate/blame my parents for all this shit like other suicidals do their problems, but I am VERY ANGRY at them for giving birth to me; why couldn't they just have had my older brother and been content with that? I should've been a miscarriage like nature intended goddamnit! It's just as well, I forgive them though, because none of us knew I was gonna turn out this way; oh well, "c'est la vie" as the French saying goes (though the only foreign language I even sorta know is Japanese.) I'm still pissed that suicide isn't legalized (then again, not even marijuana, a fucking PLANT is legalized) though, but that's a rant for another day... Here's to hoping I die in my sleep ASAP so I don't have to do the suicide myself.