No More Self Esteem

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Wiccy, Apr 19, 2012.

  1. Wiccy

    Wiccy Member

    I was in a very serious relationship. Someone who I've know ever since I was 15. He helped me through EVERYTHING. I knew he had recently came out of a relationship, and a serious one, but I wanted to take a chance. I think it was the worse mistake of my life.

    I've always been seen as worthless to men. I was raped, I was abused. I was bullied. I was in horrible relationships, all of them damaged my trust. This recent guy knew all of this.. but yet.. he cheated on me.

    We had broken it off because he claimed that I didn't apprieciate him and didn't talk to him. When in actuality, I had been too busy to do anything. I was working pounds of over time, and with my abusive mother trying to find it.. it was too much.

    So he breaks up with me, but after I tell him this, he instantly takes it back. At first, I'm heartless. I was already broken and I couldn't trust him. But soon, I realized maybe we can work it out. Then I get a message from his Ex Fiance. She tells me that they were getting back together and that she never even knew about me. She said they had broken up in Sept and were planning to get back together in June... Which was the exact time frame of our relationship (Well.. it ended only two days ago. So not June)

    She was telling me how they kissed in march, well into our relationship. She showed me logs about how as he was trying to convince me to get back with him, he was telling her that he dumped me for her. That she was all that mattered. She even said that when he was at MY APARTMENT, and I was working, that he would call her and tell her he loved her.

    My anxiety kicked it. I worked hard for him. I spent A TON of money for plane tickets to b with him. I worked harder and got a car I can't afford to go see him. I worked overtime so that we could get a place. And now I realize that our six month relationship was all a lie..

    I honestly feel worthless. My friends are trying to talk to me but I can't hear them. He made me feel pretty. He made m feel special. All of this is gone now.. I am honestly numb and empty.

    I went back to SH.. and I went back hard... It honestly hurts to move my arms, and that doesn't even bothr me.I just want to feel pain other than the pain men have caused me. I feel like i'm just not worth the space on earth. I want to end things.. so bad. I mean.. I live alone. It would be easy.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Why give these men any more power hun hell why harm yu over them They are the worthless ones not you You get help you do all you can for YOU okay because you deserve care not the abuse You start being kind to you hun no more power given to them